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This is the problem with issuing ultimatums. You're either going to have to go back on your word, or leave. Well, not really, but according to the ultimatum, yes.
There are of course other options. The one I would not recommend of those I've seen on this thread is you and your wife adopting the baby. I've read horror stories about this. I'll try to dig up a link from NPR.
If adoption is out, then the living situation of all has to be decided. I've worked with teen moms; many do move out as they get a little older themselves, say around 18. At age 16, there aren't many options for support other than welfare, unless you and your wife choose to support them. That does not need to be a permanent solution. I would encourage the step-DD to finish high school above working. Many schools have teen parenting programs that can help.
I look at teen pregnancy as one of those things that can happen---like cancer, financial tragedy, etc. Imagine if you lost your job and your wife dumped you. When you marry someone, it IS for better or for worse. The baby is your stepdaughter's and she and her mom can figure out how to deal with it. In the meantime, be prepared to be less selfish about the situation. All I hear in your posts is "ME ME ME ME ME". Well what about your poor stepdaughter who is pregnant? Surely she isn't thrilled about it either. And amidst it all is this helpless baby who is already being rejected before it is even born.
I have known teen moms in the past whose parents treated them horribly during pregnancy, but the minute they laid eyes on that baby they fell madly in love. Family is family, through marriage or blood. Get ready to accept this baby as your grandchild, and stop focusing on yourself and how YOU feel. That baby is priority #1 now. For better or for worse.
This is the problem with issuing ultimatums. You're either going to have to go back on your word, or leave. Well, not really, but according to the ultimatum, yes.
There are of course other options. The one I would not recommend of those I've seen on this thread is you and your wife adopting the baby. I've read horror stories about this. I'll try to dig up a link from NPR.
I was the poster who mentioned the grandparents adopting the baby. I was not recommending it, just mentioning it. My main purpose was to point out that the birth mother promised to be a full time parent and to take full responsibility for raising the child yet just took off shortly after the baby was born. I think that the paternal grandparents veryreluctantly adopted their grandchild as they felt it was their "duty".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana
If adoption is out, then the living situation of all has to be decided. I've worked with teen moms; many do move out as they get a little older themselves, say around 18. At age 16, there aren't many options for support other than welfare, unless you and your wife choose to support them. That does not need to be a permanent solution. I would encourage the step-DD to finish high school above working. Many schools have teen parenting programs that can help.
Several HSs in my area have special computer based learning classes especially designed for teens with children (and teens with medical issues, on probation, or with other special needs). They only meet three or four hours each day and the teens can graduate with their class without spending all day in school (requirements such as gym class are sometimes waived).
There is also a special HS program, in a nearby district, that is totally for new mothers. There are parenting classes & child development classes as well as the typical HS classes and there is free child care on site.
A few unwed mothers simply attend their regular HS as regular students. The school will provide a free tutor so that they do not get behind right after the baby is born and they just return to classes as soon as they are able to do so.
There was a really motivated student in one of my classes (I'm a sub teacher) who returned to school only 10 days after her child was born. She was a senior taking a pretty demanding class load, including several AP classes and she was worried that she would fall behind if she was gone too long (even with home-bound instruction/tutor). The school was able to arrange her schedule so that she had 1st hour & 7th hour study hall (so she arrived late & left early each day) and she went home at lunch time so she was even able continue breast feeding her baby. She had her baby in November and was able to graduate with her class.
So there may be a number of different options to consider.
You didn't raise this girl from early childhood. She's not your daughter. She's a fairly recently acquired stepdaughter. You are still very much of the age to be having more children. Your wife is still of an age to have more children. Yet you both decided, sensibly, that you couldn't afford the stress and expense of another child, so you have avoided getting pregnant together. Meanwhile, your wife's daughter, whom you did not raise, has gotten pregnant. And now you're going to wind up paying to raise the daughter's child with the POS teen father whose attitude is that a lifetime on welfare is just fine.
By far, the best thing would be for her to have an abortion. Even if she were to say that she intends to give the baby up for adoption, she won't, when it comes time to do it. If she doesn't have an abortion, you should consider getting a divorce. This girl and her baby will probably be a drain on you for the next five years or more. Even once she is 18, she is not going to be ready to move out, even on welfare.
This is not your child. This is not your grandchild. You are young. There are many, many women out there who would be thrilled to have a husband like you who works, saves, plans. Women who don't have children yet who would want to have a baby with you - YOUR baby with you.
Why wasn't this girl on Depo? Her mother knows all about the reality of teen sexual activity - she was a teen mom herself! She had to have had some idea that her daughter had a boyfriend! Merely talking about birth control isn't enough. Sometimes buying the birth control pills isn't enough. Unless the parent sees the girl actually swallowing the pill every day, which is really unrealistic, there's no way to be sure a girl is taking the pill. Depo is really the only effective way that a parent can be sure that a teen girl who is sexually active is not going to get pregnant.
You didn't raise this girl from early childhood. She's not your daughter. She's a fairly recently acquired stepdaughter. You are still very much of the age to be having more children. Your wife is still of an age to have more children. Yet you both decided, sensibly, that you couldn't afford the stress and expense of another child, so you have avoided getting pregnant together. Meanwhile, your wife's daughter, whom you did not raise, has gotten pregnant. And now you're going to wind up paying to raise the daughter's child with the POS teen father whose attitude is that a lifetime on welfare is just fine.
...
This is not your child. This is not your grandchild. You are young. There are many, many women out there who would be thrilled to have a husband like you who works, saves, plans. Women who don't have children yet who would want to have a baby with you - YOUR baby with you.
You didn't raise this girl from early childhood. She's not your daughter. She's a fairly recently acquired stepdaughter. You are still very much of the age to be having more children. Your wife is still of an age tohave more children. Yet you both decided, sensibly, that you couldn't afford the stress and expense of another child, so you have avoided getting pregnant together. Meanwhile, your wife's daughter, whom you did not raise, has gotten pregnant. And now you're going to wind up paying to raise the daughter's child with the POS teen father whose attitude is that a lifetime on welfare is just fine.
By far, the best thing would be for her to have an abortion. Even if she were to say that she intends to give the baby up for adoption, she won't, when it comes time to do it. If she doesn't have an abortion,you should consider getting a divorce. This girl and her baby will probably be a drain on you for the nextfive years or more. Even once she is 18, she is not going to be ready to move out, even on welfare.
This is not your child. This is not your grandchild. You are young. There are many, many women out there who would be thrilled to have a husband like you who works, saves, plans. Women who don't have children yet who would want to have a baby with you - YOUR baby with you.
Why wasn't this girl on Depo? Her mother knows all about the reality of teen sexual activity - she was ateen mom herself! She had to have had some idea that her daughter had a boyfriend! Merely talking about birth control isn't enough. Sometimes buying the birth control pills isn't enough. Unless the parent sees the girl actually swallowing the pill every day, which is really unrealistic, there's no way to be sure a girl is taking the pill. Depo is really the only effective way that a parent can be sure that a teen girl who is sexually active is not going to get pregnant.
parentologist made some excellent points for the OP to think about.
The OP may or may not agree with points but he should at least think about them.
In the first post the OP refers to his wife as a "newly wed" but does not say how long they have been married (or how long they have been a committed couple). Yes, I believe that, in most cases, a person should stick with a marriage through "the good and the bad" but I have a sneaky suspicion that this newly wed will be having a lot more "bad" and a lot more challenges coming to his home in the next few years than "good".
IMHO, it is a lot easier to handle "the bad" as well as "the good" after you have been married for five or ten years and not just "a newly wed".
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-06-2014 at 12:27 PM..
Daughters of teen moms are three times more likely to become teenage mothers themselves. The sons of teen moms are two times more likely to end up in prison.
ETA: the chances of her "making it" on her own are very slim. Her mom was well aware of her daughter's sex life -- I refuse to believe otherwise. I'm sorry that you were kept in the dark. Abortion or divorce... It's going to ruin your marriage because you will most likely be financially supporting her. If she does choose an abortion, then you should get her some sort of long-term birth control, such as an IUD.
Plans change and rules get broken. This unborn child will not ruin your life.
This is just part of living. You can use an event like this as an excuse to tank your marriage or you can move forward together. Your wife is 34 and about to become a grandmother. Meh. Not the end of the world. People deal with this situation every day.
Look, this stuff isn't likely to come up in my life because I've remained single to this point in my life (age 38). You went into the fray and married a woman with 3 kids who was a teen mom herself and then came out and imposed your rules on them, like it was going to innoculate you from having to deal with a very real possibility. Your 16-year-old stepdaughter has some growing up to do, but you do too.
Life gets in the way. You could be diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow. A tornado/flood/fire could destroy your house. A car accident could kill off someone you love. Your plans and rules aren't going to fend off disaster. If you can't accept this situation, than please do leave your wife - nobody deserves to live with your resentment and displeasure, and a newborn baby CERTAINLY doesn't deserve it.
But you say your wife is your best friend. What are you willing to sacrifice on the altar of your personal life plan?
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