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Old 08-06-2014, 03:53 PM
 
9,741 posts, read 7,665,854 times
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I just reread your original post, SadDad, and realized that while you may be a "newlywed", you've been involved with your stepfamily for four years, and sharing living quarters with them for three. So your stepdaughter was twelve years old when you and her mother first began seeing each other, and your stepdaughter, along with her mother and brothers, have been sharing accommodations with you for the last three years - is that correct?

Since you've been in a quasi-parental role for the three or four years of your stepdaughter's early adolescence, do you feel any kind of paternal connection to her and your other stepchildren? Do you care about them, or do you just care about potential problems they may cause you?

What is the significance of the age of 24, the age through which you told your stepchildren and your son you would house them? Does your biological son live with you? How old is he? How old are your stepsons?

How would you react if you just now learned that your son or one of your stepsons were a single, teenage father-to-be?

Who owns the house? You? Your wife? Both of you? If it is your wife's house, did she and the children live there prior to meeting you?

How old was your son when you and his mother divorced? Has he been in your custody since then, or do you have shared custody, or visitation? If it's the latter, how much time does your son spend with you in a typical month?

The answers to these questions will help other posters understand you and your situation - and your views- more clearly, I expect.
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Old 08-06-2014, 03:59 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,872,955 times
Reputation: 61848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
If she's 16, you can't just kick her out. You have no choice in the matter here unless you send her off to a home for unwed mothers if such a thing still exists. You are responsible to keep a roof over her head, keep her fed and clothed whether that's at your house or someone else's. She's a minor.

As her step father you have two choices. Go along with what your wife decides or leave. This is you step daughter and you have no jurisdiction over her. Either support your wife or don't. Choose one. If this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker.

I have a pregnant 19 year old I'm struggling with. These are not easy decisions. One of my fears is if I support my pregnant 19 year old her younger sister will think it's ok to have a baby as an unwed, uneducated, and unemployed teen. If she's out on the street I fear for the baby. There is no winning here. You have to accept that. You are going to lose one way or the other. You either lose in that you accept a baby into the household or you lose your marriage. Take your pick. I'm in the same boat only my dd is of legal age to kick out. I'm not legally responsible for her anymore.

Not true in most states once a minor births a child they are immediately emancipated and the parents of the minor can legally toss her out if they choose to.


Original Poster: This issue is something that should be kept between you and your wife.
It is no one else's business what you choose to do and no one else can really give you good guidance not knowing all of the details from you and your wife and this child.

Seek counseling with someone you both trust, work it out together and not on the internet, come to a decision that everyone involved is satifsfied with, keep your laundry in your own home.
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Old 08-06-2014, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,774,961 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Not true in most states once a minor births a child they are immediately emancipated and the parents of the minor can legally toss her out if they choose to.
Completely false.
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Old 08-06-2014, 04:24 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,076,504 times
Reputation: 30261
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
I just reread your original post, SadDad, and realized that while you may be a "newlywed", you've been involved with your stepfamily for four years, and sharing living quarters with them for three. So your stepdaughter was twelve years old when you and her mother first began seeing each other, and your stepdaughter, along with her mother and brothers, have been sharing accommodations with you for the last three years - is that correct?

Since you've been in a quasi-parental role for the three or four years of your stepdaughter's early adolescence, do you feel any kind of paternal connection to her and your other stepchildren? Do you care about them, or do you just care about potential problems they may cause you?

What is the significance of the age of 24, the age through which you told your stepchildren and your son you would house them? Does your biological son live with you? How old is he? How old are your stepsons?
She has two children---a daughter and a son. He has a son. There are three children total. Not four.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Who owns the house? You? Your wife? Both of you? If it is your wife's house, did she and the children live there prior to meeting you?
He says THEY bought their house 3 years ago.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-06-2014 at 05:16 PM.. Reason: Irrelevant to poster's question to OP.
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Old 08-06-2014, 04:39 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
11,410 posts, read 7,428,578 times
Reputation: 16991
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I desperately need some advice here since I really don't want to be a part of housing a pregnant minor. 4 years into this new relationship I had a family meeting and I specifically said to my step kids & son that they will have a home until the age of 24 as long as they don't come home pregnant (stepdaughter) and they don't get anyone pregnant (stepson & son from previous marriage). We'll my stepdaughter has always been the brave one and has done things that no1 has ever done before and now she's pregnant!!! For the last two days I've been really stressful and her mom (my newly wed wife) is a mess. We had a conversation yesterday in which I found out that the 16 yr old is keeping the baby (so far) and trying to stay in our house. I told my wife that I don't know if I can handle a baby in my house that isn't our baby. My wife and I talked about having a baby but with our schedule and our lack of time spent together I realized before I married her that there's a strong chance we couldn't have a baby of our own. I'm in my early 30's and I would've live to have a baby with her since all I have is just one son.... I knew this before marrying her and I accepted the possibility of not having anymore babies ever. Having giving up our wants and needs now we get this bombshell from this stupid teen that shows no freaking remorse for her actions. I told my wife that I'm not making her choose between her daughter and me but I don't want a baby in my house and I don't know what tomorrow will bring as far as me staying in this relationship.

We bought a house 3 years ago for the 5 of us and when I married her I chose to be there for her and care for her kids but never would I imagine that her baby would be having a baby at 16. I don't know what to do at all.... This young girl barely know how to clean her room so how is she supposed to care for a baby? I really don't want her in my house when the symptoms come and especially when the baby comes. Her father is a pos who lives with his momma at the age of 44+ so it's not like there's room for her in there and the baby father is 17 and he and his parents are shacking up with his sister in a 2 bedroom apt living off welfare and whatever the system has to offer. He's been texting my wife telling her that he will care for both of them but he's whole family is on welfare and basically homeless!!

Since my wife is my best friend and she's the one who has always been there for me and the light that shines my path I couldn't help but to come clean with all my feelings and I told her that this whole ordeal can break our marriage. No matter how much I try I just can't accept a baby at home that isn't our own. We get by financially but that's just it... Who do you think is going to buy formula, diapers, take time off from work to help her, get her to the doctors and etc? I don't want my wife to go thru that as she was a teen mom herself and I was planning for our future of finally doing things like vacationing, honeymoon, going out to diner, movies and etc without her kids texting her all the damn time. My wife is due for a good life stress free and I really feel that she will end up raising this baby even-though she says that won't happen.

What can I do to overcome something that I'm so against of doing? If I break this rule for my stepdaughter that means that I would have to do the same for my stepson and son. I really just want her out of my house or I can leave them the house.
Being a stepfather has nothing to do with any decision you make.
You're a father.
Gotta do what must be done. Can't tell you what it is, because the situation and solution is different for everyone.

Add a room to the house; divorce your wife; embrace the situation - your choice.

BOL!
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Old 08-06-2014, 04:59 PM
 
560 posts, read 307,602 times
Reputation: 1817
Default You make the rules and you can change them, or not

You are in a bad situation, and I do not envy you one bit. However, you are still quite young and what you don't know is that life can be good, but it doesn't really get great until you start pushing fifty. For almost everyone, the thirties are just a holding pattern.
That is, assuming you don't screw everything up now in ways that can't be fixed.

Now that I'm getting old, I have only two things that I did in my life that I really regret, and those regrets come back to me almost every night. (the list of "I wish i had instead done but so what" is very very long) The regrets are both letting someone else down. I hate to go Neanderthal, but both of those was not being a man, not taking charge, and not doing the right thing by someone else.

That's the spot you're in. If you let your wife down in this very big deal, no matter how this turns out, you will still be sorry fifty years from now.

I don't know your daughter, but if you do choose to support her, i can bet that she will give you many many unpleasant days. Who knows, she may yet turn out to be the best ever. But then, one day, she will have moved on and you can be proud of yourself, knowing that you have done what men are put on this planet for.
You're going to have to take charge of these imbeciles.
And you'll lose many battles before it's over. I recommend no ultimatums, no hard rules but use "because I said So" when you need to.
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Old 08-06-2014, 05:01 PM
 
Location: here
24,476 posts, read 28,773,973 times
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I'll read further, but in your OP, you don't say what your wife thinks about this.

When you married your wife, a mother, you accepted her kids as your family. Your step-daughter is your family, and is a minor. She lives in your house, so you are partially responsible for her. You wife is for sure responsible for her. You can't just kick her out. This is part of being a parent. You signed up for this.

As I see it, if you don't like it, you can move out.
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Old 08-06-2014, 05:07 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,076,504 times
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I really don't blame the OP for how he feels. Our most recent posters (Ivory and Jersey) with pregnant daughters have said they did not want their daughters living with them and raising a baby in their houses. Jersey changed her mind, and that's working out well. Last I heard, Ivory was standing firm on not allowing it.

But a stepfamily situation, especially a fairly new marriage, makes this more complicated than two biological married parents making the decision. Many people here continually say that stepparents have zero say in the raising of their stepchildren. (I disagree with that.) This is much bigger than whether or not to allow a stepchild having a cell phone and other discipline and privilege decisions made in stepfamilies.

Some good points were made comparing this to a major illness or disability. This is different though because there are options of abortion and adoption.

The OP isn't the only one in this marriage guilty of making the partner choose. The mother "standing by her 16 year old daughter's decision" (AS IF she's capable of making a rational decision) is really putting the OP in the position of choosing too.

They made the decision to not have children, it sounds like it was a reluctant decision on the OP's part. To have sacrificed not having a baby but to allow his granddaughter to have a baby seems illogical to him since they made their decision based on finances, work commitments, etc. Now he has to put stress on their finances and work commitments for another person's baby. Of course, that's just mindboggling to the OP at this very moment in time.

This seems like a natural initial reaction, especially since the most recent biologically related families initially had the exact same reaction to their pregnant daughters. The difference is those parents were on the same page---both sets of mothers and fathers opposed allowing their daughters to live in their homes with grandchildren. Is the OP really that much more of a terrible person simply because he doesn't agree with his spouse? It's okay to oppose this if both parents oppose it, but it's not okay to oppose it if one parent supports it? That doesn't even make sense.
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Old 08-06-2014, 05:11 PM
 
Location: here
24,476 posts, read 28,773,973 times
Reputation: 31056
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I seriously doubt that the mother and daughter will go this route once the baby gets here. I have thought about it as a possibility but it's not worth bringing up.
All options should be discussed. If she decides early on to go the adoption route, they can mentally prepare. You don't just wait until the baby comes, hold him and bond with him, then decide to give him up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
I think you mentioned in your OP that you would have liked to have had another baby but have pretty much given up on that idea. Have you considered the possibility of adopting this baby?
I think this used to be much more common when teen pregnancies were kept very hush hush. It isn't a horrible idea.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
In the words of John Lennon - "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans".

If your wife is your best friend, are you HER best friend? Friends don't bail when the going gets rough or things don't go according to plan. You're already threatening divorce with this situation. What will you do if one of the other kids gets in serious trouble? If your wife comes down with a serious health problem? Your house burns down? All these types of situations disrupt the plans you may have had for your life, but if you are the type of person who runs from problems, your wife is probably better off without you.

Be a man and be the rock your family depends on. Be an example to your stepkids of how a decent man steps up in difficult situations and does the right thing. Making your wife choose between you and her child is putting her in a horrible situation - don't be surprised if she decides to stand by her daughter.
Yes, this. You made a vow, for better or worse. Your wife and daughter need your support right now.
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Old 08-06-2014, 05:17 PM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,365,196 times
Reputation: 2645
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Not true in most states once a minor births a child they are immediately emancipated and the parents of the minor can legally toss her out if they choose to.

Completely false. In many States a minor may become emancipated insofar as making her own medical decisions regarding her pregnancy and adoption.

On the other hand, the parents of the teen have NO legal obligation to support or to care for the grandbaby. However sick this may sound, they could turn their own daughter into the agency in their State that monitors child abuse, etc. and tell them that their daughter has no means of supporting the infant and that they do not intend to support the infant. The State would likely immediately remove the baby unless it can be convinced that the birth mother has the means to support the baby.
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