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Old 01-20-2008, 01:23 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 3,048,795 times
Reputation: 1798
I think I agree with what everyone is saying but...as a parent, I thought it was our responsibility to raise productive independent citizens ready to face the world. From your original post, you want him to do and be just that, yet, you have all these excuses already for why he cannot do those things, (car heater, etc) ie. you are an enabler for his situation. I feel he needs your guidance and you are probably doing the best you can. As long as he stays w/you, he cannot do what he wants; the price of freedom is to actually go out on his own. For now, make him pay rent, food, electricity, car/ins, etc to you. I know it would not cost as much as if he were on his own but it will make him learn how much things cost, therefore he would need a job. I liked the suggestion about taking him to a temp agency to apply for a job there. I think you need to be his parent, and not his "friend". It does hurt you, but think of the alternative or think of how proud you will be knowing that you did the best you knew and he turned out okay or he did not, nonetheless you did the best. GOod luck!
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Old 01-20-2008, 05:25 PM
 
4 posts, read 9,376 times
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I have had the opposite happen to me. Extremely protective parents who never let me get out when I was younger. Gave me too little responsibilities. I tried to leave, but when I did they made me feel like I was abandoning them. At 24 I now live alone, and feel like I am missing key skills. But am moving along well. Anyway, I have a friend who was kind of in your son's situation. He was about 15 at the time. But he was drinking, doing drugs, screwin' around and what not. At 15 his dad passed away, and was left to live with his brother. His brother supported him, but at 17 (he was still dependent and irresponsible) his brother sat him down and told him that he had no desire to take care of him for the rest of his life, and told him to go get a degree, and find out how life works. A year later, he got straight A's, proceeded to graduate with honors from a uni at east coast. A few years after that, learned how to play with stocks, and now he has a mercedes smg bi turbo, ferrari enzo, a couinseg (i have no idea how to spell that) various plots of land, houses, great job, takes vacations for months at a time traveling around the world. And has a very well developed character. He is only 29. I am truly happy for him, because I was was certain he would end up on the street/in a gang/dead somewhere. Everyone is proud of him (and naturally-a lot are jealous of him).

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. This is a turning point in his life. He will either end up (sorry to say this) disastrously dependent on others, or successfully dependent on himself. Don't give up on him. Keep the above mentioned story in your head. Dont expect that he will be like my friend turned out to be. But do expect that change can happen. Humans aren't like animals, where once they are domesticated they can't be turned to the wild. Humans are adaptable. They live, they think, they learn, and they live again. He can change. But the question is can you? To me it actually sounds like you are more dependent on him than he is on you. You have to let go. But do it intelligently. Sit him down, tell him this is it. Then tell him we will be letting you go slowly for your own good. Give him a specific date (don't change the date for any reason). Give him enough resources to find a job, and a place to live. Don't worry about him not doing well. Your son has friends. That means he has social skills, that means he already has more than enough of what he needs to survive. You have every right and obligation to kick him the hell out. If you wait too long, might as well start planning on sharing your retirement fund to support an extra person.
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Old 01-20-2008, 08:18 PM
 
Location: southern california
49,303 posts, read 45,862,394 times
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u.s. army can help, 2nd to none.
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Old 01-20-2008, 08:36 PM
 
3,681 posts, read 10,555,924 times
Reputation: 2041
18 is so young! He should be going to school, and at home- yes rules? do not toss
him out, but set up the you live here rule, if you work, go to school etc.,advise is cheap, however, if I am 18, big deal! rules are rules. at 18, does he have a clue what the fico score is? Yup, you are 18! I might say, yes 18, big deal-You do not enjoy here,
get a job? then yes to live.go to school, or 18, pay the rent at home! How does he think, with out a job, school, he even might rent, then car, food etc.?Your husband is maybe stressed-18 is-young-I wish my best-

Last edited by maggiekate; 01-20-2008 at 08:50 PM..
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Old 01-20-2008, 09:17 PM
 
3,681 posts, read 10,555,924 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmieyky View Post
From what you have written it sounds like he is acting out fear of being grown and responsible. Have you talked to him about this? How did he get to this point? You say he has been tough since he was 5 - what consequences did he recieve for bad behaviour as a child?

Regardless of the answers to the above - you must stick with whatever you decide. Not backing up statements with firm action will let him know he can keep pushing you around. I wouldn't kick him out - just me - I would tighten the reigns and treat him like the child he is being. Punish him, set rules and enforce them, put him on a small limited allowance only for gas to and from work (if he gets a job) otherwise let him sit flat broke.

My husband left home (or was kicked out) when he was 16, and he never really recovered. He was missing something at that young age and never got it, and it has taken him til 37 to become a functioning hard-working adult. No lie - he started his current job, in which he is finally stable, just last March. I think had he been punished and given consequences as a child things would have been different - but he wasn't.

All kids are different, enabling is a problem, and knowing what is enabling and what is salvaging self-esteem is a hard question to answer. I think I would resort to rules and treating him like a 10 year old for a week before you give him a week to get it together and throw him out. What could it hurt? If he doesn't respond you still have the option of sending him out the door.

Just a thought.


Oh, and a response to "I'm 18 and can do what I want" - reply "not as long as you act like a child and live in this house." I almost guarantee you he has no desire to be out on his own, or he would have done it already with steps to make his own way. He is being a spoiled brat and knows what buttons to push to shut you up. No matter how old they get, basic things never change.

My prayers are with you.

KimmieyKy
no job, no money! anyway, no education, no great job-
18 to 55 home is great, til you leave, and then money! 18 is young, yes do what you want, not here? tell him to check first his fico score?
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Old 01-20-2008, 09:32 PM
 
Location: Gary, WV & Springfield, ME
5,826 posts, read 6,061,861 times
Reputation: 17131
It's already been said here but I'll say it again - give your son a few brochures. They should be the nearest recruiting office. Nothing will turn your son into a productive and responsible man like a branch of the military. Let him pick the branch, then take him to the recruiting office. The military will house and feed him, while shaping him into an asset to the community as well as the nation.

That is assuming he is healthy and not suffering from some sort of mental incapacity. You might want to consider having him talk with a counselor or psychologist to make sure there isn't some underlying reason for what you and your husband have declared to be "laziness."
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Old 01-21-2008, 08:28 AM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
10,846 posts, read 12,205,311 times
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I have a question- is there any concensus on what leads to this happening? You see it on Dr. Phil, hear about it from other people. But why do kids end up so worthless and unable to leave home?

I'm asking because I'll become a father in about 4 months (twins) and I don't want this for my sons. My theory is that it all starts with a lack of discipline at a very young age. It seems to me that people who end up in this situation lack self discipline and don't understand the consequences of their actions.

But then I grew up with a friend who was studious, hard working, honest and successful. But his brother turned out to be unable to hold a job, homeless at times, and ultimately died of a drug overdose. So how do you explain such different personalities raised by the same parents? There must be something genetic involved too.
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Old 01-21-2008, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Oz
2,238 posts, read 6,352,573 times
Reputation: 1293
Quote:
Originally Posted by AliceT View Post
It's already been said here but I'll say it again - give your son a few brochures. They should be the nearest recruiting office. Nothing will turn your son into a productive and responsible man like a branch of the military. Let him pick the branch, then take him to the recruiting office. The military will house and feed him, while shaping him into an asset to the community as well as the nation.

That is assuming he is healthy and not suffering from some sort of mental incapacity. You might want to consider having him talk with a counselor or psychologist to make sure there isn't some underlying reason for what you and your husband have declared to be "laziness."
And when he gets sent off to the front lines because he has no education and no skill at anything? What then? She'll see her son coming home in a body bag because she thought the military could "make him a man".
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Old 01-21-2008, 02:43 PM
 
Location: Gary, WV & Springfield, ME
5,826 posts, read 6,061,861 times
Reputation: 17131
Quote:
Originally Posted by denverian View Post
I have a question- is there any concensus on what leads to this happening? You see it on Dr. Phil, hear about it from other people. But why do kids end up so worthless and unable to leave home?

I'm asking because I'll become a father in about 4 months (twins) and I don't want this for my sons. My theory is that it all starts with a lack of discipline at a very young age. It seems to me that people who end up in this situation lack self discipline and don't understand the consequences of their actions.

But then I grew up with a friend who was studious, hard working, honest and successful. But his brother turned out to be unable to hold a job, homeless at times, and ultimately died of a drug overdose. So how do you explain such different personalities raised by the same parents? There must be something genetic involved too.
I agree with you that a lot has to do with upbringing and parental disciplinary measures. In the case of brothers, as I pointed out, "assuming he is healthy and not suffering from some sort of mental incapacity" play a role. Parents generally don't want to admit (or face) the possibility that their child or one of their children isn't quite right.

Mental illness goes unchecked in way too many instances which leads to behavioral problems and lack of drive. That's because it doesn't have visible symptoms like broken bones or wheezing or blurred vision. As ksaunmt admitted, they've had "problems" with their son since he was 5. That tells me that he may have a chemical imbalance issue that first surfaced when he was 5 and has gone unchecked all this time. Same thing with your friend's brother. Just because your friend is driven and successful doesn't mean that his brother isn't suffering from a mental health issue. Talking to a psychiatrist could help determine if there is a health issue that requires treatment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoaminRed View Post
And when he gets sent off to the front lines because he has no education and no skill at anything? What then? She'll see her son coming home in a body bag because she thought the military could "make him a man".
Obviously, your knowledge of the armed forces is limited to the bad news perpetuated by the media. Her son will not be given a uniform and a gun and sent to the front lines "uneducated" only to brought home in a body bag. The vast majority of young men that go to a war zone are anything but uneducated even though they are "fresh out of high school." They are trained, toned and versed on the dangers they and their country face. The vast majority of young men that go to war, come back alive, trained and stronger than when they left. The media just doesn't report this because good news doesn't sell as well as bad news.
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Old 01-23-2008, 06:20 AM
 
1 posts, read 4,040 times
Reputation: 10
I am having the same problem with my 18 yr old who wont get a job and has quit school he has no motivation we have taken his cell phone and truck and he doesnt seem to care. he wont help around the house brings friends over all the time when we asked him not to. I had him go the therapy thinking maybe this would help, they put him on meds saying they think he is bipolar. the stress is unbearable and it causes alot of problems with me and my husband. my daughter just turned 16 and couldnt wait to get a job to have her own money that doesnt even seem to bother my son. he acts like everyone owes him, we dont give him money either.
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