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Old 03-09-2009, 11:50 PM
 
Location: Middle Earth
491 posts, read 646,462 times
Reputation: 194

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
My son is 18, we have constantly been in battle with him, since he was 5. He hated school, but he did graduate. He is now a lazy, unmotivated slug. Over the holidays he got kicked out of our home, he came back after a week, promising to change, and for a couple of weeks, things went well. Last night he stayed out all night again. One of our rules is to find a job and come home Sunday through Thursday. He chose not to. I know the right thing is to throw him out and stick with it, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I am dying. I don't want to do it. My husband says if we don't, I am enabling his behavior, I know he is right. How do I be okay with myself after it is done? I know he has nowhere to go, we live in a very cold climate, he has no job, his cars heater doesn't work and people do freeze to death here. How can I do it? I love him, but I am sick of being treated like this by him. Please give me advice, I need strength. I know it needs to be done if I ever want him to be an adult. Although he is consistent in saying "I am 18 Mom, I can do what I want". Help me, I need advice on how to be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks
I agree with most of this the only part I do not get is the have to be in by 11. If he is an adult why does he have to be home at a certain hour? You are treating him as a child by doing this. What are you going to do if he moves out require him to call you when he goes out? I understand you worry about him but you have to let him go and let him be an adult.
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Old 03-10-2009, 01:46 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,838,929 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
Wow! I just finally read all of the posts. We went through hell with my son in Dec 2007 Jan 2008, he got into trouble with the law. I have never experienced issues like that in my life. He got two misdermeaners basically for theft, I have two pet peeves in my home, no lying and no stealing, he did both. This is the most amazing part of his story. He is the son of my first husband, who he hasn't seen since he was 2. He has always been a difficult child, although usually loving, he would lie even when the truth was better. My current husband (who adopted him several years ago) and I were diligent on watching his behaviors, took him to therapists, multiple times, had meetings at schools, had so many issues. He is a red head and got bullied brutally, and he was in the time just before they really cared about bullying, plus his worst bully was the principal of the high schools son. I believe most of the reason he was bullied is because of his attitude, and it got worse with the bullying. So last January, I told him, get out you choose where. He went to my folks house in Oregon. Didn't get a job, then he got a felony, this is the saddest part. He was the most immature 18 year old I have ever met. I have another child, she is morally decent and communicates with us very well, as we do her. We are both at home all the time, my husband works from home and I don't work. So we always watch our children, we know who they hang around with and if they go to someones house we meet the parents go to the house, get phone numbers, verify an adult will be around. Just trying to be a good parent, somehow in spite of all efforts we somehow failed with our son. I do NOT condone breaking the law. He was celebrating his 18th birthday with a 15 year old in Oregon. He was smoking pot and they got the munchies. The kid he was with said "dude the school has food in it", so they walked into an unlocked door and got busted coming out. The 15 year old got expelled, nothing else, my son, being 19 now, got a Breaking and entrering felony, with a Burglary 2 charge. I have no idea what all that means, I refused to help him. We do not have major bucks sitting around to hire a lawyer. He plead guilty cause his court provided attorney told him to, so he got the felony, 18 months probation, no restitution cause they didn't break anything or get away with anything, 50 hours of community service, theft class, and a pot class. Now my son is basically "giving up" he says there is no hope for him. He is unemployable, he hates himself. He doesn't speak to me now and blames me because I sent him away. I disagreed with him, he made his choices. I don't think his punishment was correct for his crime, but I am a mom. In the meantime, I have this son who will be 20 in June, doesn't work, might go back to jail. Broke his arm in July, needed surgery had no benefits, didn't get surgery, smokes cigarettes and has the worst asthma. I have no idea why he is so self destructive, he is angry, hates me. Anyone out there know what you can do about a kid like this, trust me, this is NOT from a lack of parenting, this kid is genetically screwed up, he must be since his biological father rots in prison for drugs. My son does smoke pot, but he won't do meth. Well, thanks for all the previous posts, the military won't take him, felony and the asthma, broken arm and then a woman totaled his car in January by t-boning him and causing a back injury, he settled for $1,000. When will it stop? How can he get out from under this? I think he wants to, but even I have no idea what to say to him anymore.

Lost in fear about my son.
There is not much you can do...which is the hardest thing.
I beleive in the power of prayer and there are many stories of kids in deeper than your son who go on to lead great lives.

One thought....
He does need for you to beleive in him. You said you have no idea
what to say to him... May I suggest
" I love you and I am praying for you and I know you can get your life
pulled together "

He may be working out anger over his dad in prison and the bullying.

I understand why you have lost hope but he really needs for you
to see the person he could be and not just his behavior.
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Old 03-10-2009, 01:49 AM
 
Location: San Francisco, CA
300 posts, read 900,751 times
Reputation: 162
Kicking him out might not be the smartest thing to do, he could join a gang.
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Old 03-10-2009, 04:06 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 4,097,215 times
Reputation: 1646
Default Need to throw 18 year old out

This is a tough one because before this kid ever became a p.i.a., he was and is your son. He sounds disrespectful as well as lazy and that is a combination that can only lead him to a bad place in his life. You can give him all the guidelines in the world but unless he wants to get himself together he is not going to. Right now his world is a party world with no responsibility. He has a place to flop when he so chooses, parties when he wants to and where is he getting the money to do this? Are you giving it to him for fear he won't come home? I am a mom of one son so I can see how easy it is to fall into doing stuff for him because you are afraid he won't be coming home.

My suggestion....he should get a chance to see the inside of a prison so he can see where he is going to end up. How do you do that? Now don't think I am off the wall with this but Steve Wilkos on tv has kids like your son on his show all the time and he takes them to state prison for an overnight trip or a one day thing..email Steve Wilkos to find out how you do this. Steve is a former Marine and a former Chicago Cop and has done a lot of good for a lot of kids. If you are intent of not having your son end up in the streets freezing to death, reach out to someone like Steve for help. Unless you get proactive and do it now, this kid is going to walk all over you and destroy your family life. Good Luck
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Old 03-10-2009, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,761,828 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Connecticut Pam View Post
This is a tough one because before this kid ever became a p.i.a., he was and is your son. He sounds disrespectful as well as lazy and that is a combination that can only lead him to a bad place in his life. You can give him all the guidelines in the world but unless he wants to get himself together he is not going to. Right now his world is a party world with no responsibility. He has a place to flop when he so chooses, parties when he wants to and where is he getting the money to do this? Are you giving it to him for fear he won't come home? I am a mom of one son so I can see how easy it is to fall into doing stuff for him because you are afraid he won't be coming home.

My suggestion....he should get a chance to see the inside of a prison so he can see where he is going to end up. How do you do that? Now don't think I am off the wall with this but Steve Wilkos on tv has kids like your son on his show all the time and he takes them to state prison for an overnight trip or a one day thing..email Steve Wilkos to find out how you do this. Steve is a former Marine and a former Chicago Cop and has done a lot of good for a lot of kids. If you are intent of not having your son end up in the streets freezing to death, reach out to someone like Steve for help. Unless you get proactive and do it now, this kid is going to walk all over you and destroy your family life. Good Luck
Exactly...have it be the prison where his biological father is. I REALLY think this would be the best thing for him. Try and establish some type of relationship between the two....let his father teach him how hard prison life is.

In addition, I like the suggestion of having him spend one night at a homeless shelter.

And his grandparents MUST be in contact with his PO to talk about a job and about whatever else may be going on. I'm shocked that he is allowed to just do nothing while on probation. They usually require school or a job as a conditon of probation for a young person.

Of course this will require their cooperation.

Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 03-10-2009 at 06:52 AM..
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Old 03-10-2009, 06:27 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,761,828 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinnishAmerican View Post
Kicking him out might not be the smartest thing to do, he could join a gang.
She already HAS kicked him out...she did a year ago.
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Old 03-12-2009, 03:11 AM
 
Location: San Francisco, CA
300 posts, read 900,751 times
Reputation: 162
okay. How is he doing? Already a full blooded Sureno/norteno/blood/crip/ab/wood/gd etc?

Or outlaw biker
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Old 03-12-2009, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,761,828 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinnishAmerican View Post
okay. How is he doing? Already a full blooded Sureno/norteno/blood/crip/ab/wood/gd etc?

Or outlaw biker
Read OP's post from a few days ago. He's been convicted of a felony for burglary and is on probation and he's living with his grandparents (OP's parents).
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Old 04-08-2009, 10:33 PM
 
Location: Virginia
1,938 posts, read 6,190,072 times
Reputation: 865
Sounds like a kiddo that resembled the at-risk kiddos I worked with while at an alternative HS. You can imagine the trouble, issues, and trauma these kids had faced. Many were in trouble with the law, on drugs, moms and dads, abused, adopted, homeless, etc...
So, my point is, the only thing we found to work with these kids were relationships. These kids needed a mentor, someone to talk to, to build a healthy relationship with.
I remember going through a rough time as a young teen.-my bf and I were having sex at 13 and 14 yrs of age. My parents took me out to booney land with a tent and we camped for a long week. I didn't want to go, I hated it, resented them for it, etc. I didn't come back "cured" or "fixed", but I came knowing that my parents where doing everything they could think of to get me back on the right track. My mom tried to build a close relationship with me, something you can't do in a week. They took me camping because they wanted me away from everything, just the three of us. I was a bright kid, got great kids, just one of those girls who developed early and was always mature for her age and fell in love too young and went ahead and started having sex (on birth control) with her boyfriend. All I wanted was to be married and have kids. Otherwise I obeyed all rules, no drugs, didn't stay out late, had good friends, great grades, etc, was just having protected sex at age 13. (JUST!! like it is nothing...oh geez)
Bottom line is that research states punishment/discipline works for few people. People break the rules (small/large) all the time, whatever they can get away with. Getting people to change their way of thinking is the really what you are tying to do and words aren't going to do that. He is going to have to experience something as he builds a relationship with someone he respects and will listen to. I hate to say it mom, but that person isn't you. His actions dictate that he doesn't respect you nor will he listen to you. If he did, he would be more respectful of your rules and home. The kids I have worked with that did similar things that your son has and disrespected their parents...when they were turning around things in life, they realized how they had treated thier parents and from then on, showed the utmost respect to them. One of my former students "dates" his mom by going out with her occasionally to whatever she wants...dinner, movie, shopping, etc. Before he came to me, he was an inner city Chicago kid whose dad was a corrupted fire chaplain and he hung with thugs. He did drugs, held his own hours, came home whenever, abused school property and was expelled from school. Judge ordered him to live with his mom where he was resentful and attempted to continue his ways. Thank goodness there aren't any real gangs or thugs in Colorado Springs! Anyhow, after being expelled form his HS he came to me, kept to himself and hated life. I came into work one morning and told him good morning and how much I enjoyed seeing him first thing. He was a breath of fresh air compared to the other kids who showed up an hour later. (I didn't even mean much of it, just trying for a relationship with the kid.) Next thing I knew, he was at my desk all the time, sharing things, talking, and in a matter 4 months, he was living a new life.
I have numerous stories like this. I only have one where she was successful at committing suicide. One out of hundreds troubled youth (our HS was 16YRS -21YRS).
Bottom line, hopefully he finds a mentor or builds a relationship with someone. I could continue sharing stories like yours and kids I have reached.
Remember the power of prayer. I openly told my kids that I prayed for them. I didn't tell them they had to pray, I was pushing my faith on them...I just told them, "I prayed for you" and about specific things. They are usually shocked the first time...because someone was thinking about them and cared to pray for them. I also joked with some of them who were going down a bad path that we needed to have a come to jesus (pronounce it in the spanish way- hu-sus) meeting. They totally got it...we talked, I listened, discussed and validated their emotions..must validate their feelings, very important! And feelings are never wrong...never.
Geez, I could go on...I will pray for you and your son. Good luck.
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Old 04-08-2009, 11:27 PM
 
12 posts, read 45,941 times
Reputation: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Donn2390 View Post
He is an adult, give him a quarter and tell him to call when he gets his life together. Nothing you can do to help him. Trying to help him you are just becoming an enabler... Keep trying and he will drag you down with him.
You have to start raising a child at birth, not when he is twenty. It's too late now, so the ball is in his court. Don't spend any money or tears on him.
Tough talk, but I have seen it before, you can't help him don't even try...
Ummm yeah, read my original posts, I have been there from inception. From the beginning, trying everything some of you just think you could have done better, I sometimes wish you could see what it is like to have a kid that just DOESN'T LEARN FROM CONSEQUENCES AND DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS. By the way, I am the farthest thing from an enabler, he isn't in my home, I don't speak to him and I just wish I could. I DO NOT do anything, yes I send him cards on holidays, but that isn't enabling, it is loving. I do not rescue him, bail him out. I just hope someday he grows up. Good luck with your future, you might have some bumpy times ahead. I am guessing your a guy that had a few sons that turned out fairly well, have you heard of screwed up genetics. Thanks for your GREAT words of wisdom DONN, wish you were there for the years of teacher meetings, therapists, contstant attention we gave him, my husband was soccer dad, cub scout leader, so the parenting didn't start at 20, it just doesn't end at 20. I realize I can't DO anything, I am looking for ideas for him to DO. Wow!
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