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While she's a minor, she needs evaluated by the Regional Center for services.
They can really assist a lot if she does this prior to the girl turning 18.
After 18, she will never qualify. Diagnosis must be made while she's a minor.
Part of these supports is having support for this girl to live independently as all adults would.
Whether that is in a group situation, a host family, etc...
Federal Law via the Lanternman Act, established Regional Centers which are require to provide supports.
God bless these parents
The Lanterman Act is not a Federal Law, it is a California State Law. Note that most other states do not have Regional Centers. Is this woman in California?
Depending on her age when she was dxed, she should have had services though in most states (some states are better than others). She should certainly have services at school and some of those services can help at home although her mom may need private services and that can be expensive.
Also note that even in CA at Regional Centers, some centers are better than others and most won't have a lot of help for a high school student. Everything is geared for young children from 3 to 7 years old.
Honestly, this is a HUGE part of why I never risked having kids as a single woman. What would someone like me do in such a situation. Part of me is inclined to say the mom here needs to suck it up and investigate the possibility of something like a group home if she wants relief. And when the daughter throws tantrums to the point that the police are called, let them take her off to the hospital for a psychiatric hold. If she does have control over herself, she'll rein herself in - I don't think anyone has ever called those psych holds a pleasant experience.
Are there really laws that require parents to take care of adult children? I would assume that someone at her level would just become a ward of the state once she turned 18 if her parents didn't want anything to do with her. Moreover, if she is as high-functioning as her mother says, it seems odd that the state would insist her parents retain responsibility for her. The whole letter seems "off" to me. And honestly, the mother's insistence that the daughter can control her behavior seems a little bit self-serving. Is she REALLY sure of that or is that just what she wants to believe?
Further, I really liked Kwame Appiah's point about how the daughter is still in the throes of adolescence. I was a MESS during my teen years solely based on my hormones, and I don't have autism or a probably personality disorder. And remember, science now says the brain does not fully develop until age 25. A lot could change.
What I hope is that the LW was just having a really bad day and had to vent to someone in desperation. Because, I kind of feel like the fact that this kid didn't ask to be born or afflicted by multiple mental issues means that she needs and deserves SOME kind of support from her family. I sympathize with the LW and I would support my taxes being raised to provide more services for people like her daughter. But I kinda feel like you spin the wheel when you decide to become a parent and this is one of the possibly ugly outcomes. I don't know. Maybe that's harsh, but so is talking about cutting your mentally disabled kid loose (though I'm still not clear on how mentally disabled this kid is) before they're even an adult.
That is a hardship but it's also very sad to put the child into an institution where they could be abused, raped, etcetera and would be cast out of the family.
And there are almost no "institutions" left, if you're talking about a long-term mental hospital. If the daughter is an adult, why not get her hooked up with a community mental health center so she can be routed to a group home or whatever the local resources are? There is no reason on this earth the parents have to be caregivers 24/7/365. For one thing, that means there will be nothing in place when the parents die or become too ill to do the job any longer, and the daughter sure doesn't sound like she's in good enough shape to set anything up for herself. Get her a caseworker! Even if she's still a child there should be plenty of resources out there for her. Psychiatry, ABA treatment for the autism, occupational therapy to calm her down.
And there are almost no "institutions" left, if you're talking about a long-term mental hospital. If the daughter is an adult, why not get her hooked up with a community mental health center so she can be routed to a group home or whatever the local resources are? There is no reason on this earth the parents have to be caregivers 24/7/365. For one thing, that means there will be nothing in place when the parents die or become too ill to do the job any longer, and the daughter sure doesn't sound like she's in good enough shape to set anything up for herself. Get her a caseworker! Even if she's still a child there should be plenty of resources out there for her. Psychiatry, ABA treatment for the autism, occupational therapy to calm her down.
There are very few resources for teenagers and adults with autism. ABA and OT would have to be privately paid. So would a psychiatrist. It does not seem like this parent has the money for this since she and her dh spent it when her dd was younger.
Has the parent considered a military school or wilderness program? My semi friend's mom threw him out when he was 16 for drug dealing and fighting. This kid doesn't sound retarded but just a brat. Kick them to the curb and they can fend for themselves.
How would that work? That's great for a kid that needs more structured boundaries, or even a semi-delinquent kid. But it isn't going to work for a kid with a mood disorder and mild autism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenstyle
I know nothing about adoption; having said that, let me ask:
Since when is a parent considered a hostage of a child? Can't she be put up/out for adoption? I thought this was possible anytime until age of 18.
If it were me (and it isn't) I would put the girl out using whatever legal means. Yes, she'll be a burden on someone else. But at least I would have the rest of my life back.
Folks, please do not take contraception for granted! Fight for its widespread availability, and use it!
How would this have solved the problem? It doesn't sound like an accidental or irresponsible pregnancy. The kid is physically normal. Nothing could have predicted any of it.
I'm not sure why the daughter gets the choice to refuse the meds, when she is terrorizing the family. IMO mom being guardian, caregiver and victim should get to choose. I would have a real problem if my kid was well enough to go to high school or college and hold a job but came home and tortured me, AND refused treatment to stabilize her moods. No way, that mom has my sympathies, I'd want to run away too.
This kid isn't helpless. She's able to hold it together at school and holds down a part time job. The issues listed are mild autism, learning disabilities and the mood disorder. If the kid (20 yr old right?) can keep it together for school and work then she can do better at home. I think she acts out at home because she knows there's no real consequences. If she refuses medication I'd put her in an institute where she'd have to modify her behaviour if she wants independence. There is another child to consider and her well-being is just as important as the older child with issues. I just feel so bad for them all.
Unfortunately, society's about-face that occurred in the 70's and 80's that prioritized a disabled person's "free will" over being institutionalized (and the resultant closure of said institutions, partially to save tax dollars), has been largely responsible for the tens of thousands of individuals living on the streets in the USA. The subject of this thread's daughter, if she is cut loose, may well end up regularly defecating on the sidewalk in San Diego or LA herself one day, after being used-up by sugar-daddy's and then, pimps. The problem is exacerbated by substance abuse. Until the pendulum swings back the opposite direction, and we deem people who choose (or are unable) to assimilate into traditional societal roles (rationally-acting / outwardly sober / self-supporting / contributing / taxpaying citizens) are acceptable living among us similar to the lowest caste in Calcutta, we had better get used to stepping over Hep A-contaminated needles and piles of poop in our cities and towns.
I wish I had a solution to this, and the absence of one has me terrified of Vexed's implied solution of rehabbing Birkenau.
I have heard of parents with these handicapped adult children banding together to form a group home for them, and sharing the cost of live in aides and other expenses. I bet there is some state money available for some of the expenses, too.
At any rate, there is safety and support in numbers. I hope OP is connected with other parents or social agencies who can give her some emotional support.
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