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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 11 days ago)
35,637 posts, read 17,989,189 times
Reputation: 50679
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OP, I agree with those who say this is all 100% on you. You were asked twice if you wanted to play, and you basically said no.
Other musicians would have understandably wanted to go home, and can't be expected to say "you must play, and we won't leave until you do", which it sounds like is what you were waiting for.
No one is going to beg you to play - because they came there to play, not to hear other musicians they don't know.
If you play open mic nights, you will have to expect this. There will be venues where people come to do whatever . . .get books from the library, get a beer, whatever, and your music is actually annoying to the audience, and they are waiting impatiently for you to stop, because they want to have a conversation with people they came with.
Best wishes. I have a son who is a musician, and you just have to learn this lesson. If you get up there and you "wow" them, it's a good night. But on an open mic night, don't expect the kind of audience you get when the band is advertised and the audience pays to hear them.
And I have to ask. If you came to play, and you were the first one to play for this audience of 3, and the third musician refused two invitations to play, would you have insisted he play before you left?
Sorry, but this is 100 percent, completely on you.
I am an artist and musician myself. And I can tell you that your passive aggressiveness will get you absolutely no where. You cannot blame others for your own lack of boldness, and while I understand being a little hurt, as I would, I would also recognize that I had done NOTHING to push myself forward. You have got to break out of this mentality. It is completely counterproductive to creativity and I Will be frank, a little creepy. No one can read your thoughts. You are expecting people to do the opposite of what is coming out of your mouth, to guess what you are thinking, and beyond that, you get angry when these miraculous things do not occur.
No one is going to beg you to go onstage. No one is going to force you out of the bed in the morning to create. You, if you are to be an artist, have to do that YOURSELF. You have to believe in yourself and stop blaming others for not holding your hand. This kills the creative initiative, and blaming others is a sure sign that you have no insight into your own behavior.
And, in the end, this is an open mic where no one even showed up. What if you were in a real situation that demanded real gumption? Are you going to fall apart? You might want to ask yourself these questions.
There is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings, but projecting onto others is not fair, not cool, and not going to get you anywhere but no where. And this is coming from a hyper-sensitive artist type who has gotten down in just these situations. But I didn't blame any one else for it. I didn't project on others. I grew myself up and opened my eyes and realized that's the world. Its tough. You have to be tough. And don't you dare blame others for your own failings. Never. Not fair.
I think it's creepy that you thought what I posted was creepy. But I don't think you read most of it.
I have no fear of performing. I actually love to perform. But I also encourage others. Ted was not going to participate, but since I heard him playing Ned's guitar I asked him to, and he did.
Then he gave the guitar to Ned, and he took a long turn. Then Ned gave it back to Ted. Well, already at that point something was awry. Then Ted back to Ned, Ned back to Ted. Etc.
Fred asked me if I was going to play. But how? I guess I could have gone up and grabbed Ned's guitar out of his hands and bashed it over his head.
It was Fred's job to intervene and keep things in order. But he didn't care enough. Then eventually he obviously wanted to leave, because he was getting ready to.
It was not a terrible big deal. It bothered me because I had driven some distance, and hung around for 2 hours, and I had other things to do.
And it bothered me because I hate being treated like I don't exist.
It actually happens a lot at certain jam sessions, where all the others are men, and there are no rules. In those cases, everything depends on aggressiveness and there is very little encouragement or empathy. It's sort of a contest.
I am used to that, and it doesn't bother me much at all. I am not aggressive and I know it. I just stay in the background and play along, and that's ok with me. That's what I expect at those jams, and playing along is fun anyway.
Other jam sessions have rules and everyone takes turns, and the leader keeps it fair and organized. I like those better, because then I can lead songs.
Open mics have rules. It is not supposed to be determined by aggressiveness. Rules were not followed at the open mic I described. It's true hardly anyone showed up, but they still could have been considerate.
Aside from being ignored, another thing I do not like at all is when there are rules and the rules are ignored.
Sorry, but this is 100 percent, completely on you.
I am an artist and musician myself. And I can tell you that your passive aggressiveness will get you absolutely no where. You cannot blame others for your own lack of boldness, and while I understand being a little hurt, as I would, I would also recognize that I had done NOTHING to push myself forward. You have got to break out of this mentality. It is completely counterproductive to creativity and I Will be frank, a little creepy. No one can read your thoughts. You are expecting people to do the opposite of what is coming out of your mouth, to guess what you are thinking, and beyond that, you get angry when these miraculous things do not occur.
Yes, it is a pattern. But this ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good4Nothin
I think it's creepy that you thought what I posted was creepy. But I don't think you read most of it.
OP, do you not see this childish reflexive attack you use here, time and again? Here is one of your responses to me from the Teaching subforum:
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
42/50 is a C in my school district.
I agree that throwing in the curve is a questionable idea, and it's not your job to worry about whether they are getting screwed because they paid a lot for the class. That is a bizarre thought process for a teacher.
I would suggest you find a way to take a classroom management class next semester.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good4Nothin
I think all your thought processes are bizarre.
Nighthouse has a very good point. You've blamed your anger about this incident on everything from male privilege to dementia. But your own expectations set you up to fail. Sure, they could have been more considerate. Or maybe they kept on playing because they were wondering if you were just going to continue sitting there ... expectantly.
We don't always get an engraved invitation to participate in life. Sometimes you have to elbow your way in. You claim to be happy "playing along in the background," but that clearly was not the case here. When the group is so small, the spotlight is going to include you. So take your turn or don't but quit expecting everyone else to do things EXACTLY the same way you would do them.
Expecting other people to read your mind and accommodate you.
Not asserting yourself.
Blaming "them" - not taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Etc., etc.
I wasn't the person who ignored the rules, or who was inconsiderate.
What did these guys do that was fair or considerate or correct? They didn't care about being fair, and they didn't care about me. What is good about that?
And I can't think of anyone I know who would have thought they were right.
But here we go again -- people who are inconsiderate themselves naturally blame people who are treated unfairly. It had to be their own fault, can't be the fault of the inconsiderate a-hole.
I agree 100%. For me it's a hobby, not a paid job and so I'm not willing to put up with competitions, egos, politics or criticism beyond "that wasn't one of our best". If it wasn't fun I wouldn't do it. I like a bit of praise but don't expect it, and don't need it. The music is it's own reward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonesg
You look like you're enjoying yourselves and if it ain't fun......why bother.
You seriously just don't sound like a grown woman, much less a retired woman. I'm trying to account for it somehow...is English not your first language? Perhaps you're not expressing yourself well either here or in real life?
I know I am asking for it by posting about this here. I know I will advised to get professional help, right away, because there is something wrong with me. I will be told I am making a big deal out of nothing, I obviously have a severe personality disorder, etc., etc.
I know I will feel worse for posting here. But I am really angry and there is no one right now I could talk to about it.
I think I discovered one big way that people can make me angry. And this time I even expressed it, in a kind of subtle way, which maybe they didn't even notice.
I really hate being treated like I don't exist. I am quiet and not assertive, so maybe very assertive people think I want to be ignored?
This is what happened: Tonight I went to an open mic by myself, for the first time. I have been performing at open mics for a year or so, but always with someone else, never alone. In case you never heard of an open mic -- it's where anyone can come in and perform music. Usually at a library, or coffee shop, or bar.
This was a library. I had practiced A LOT over the past couple of weeks. I had 3 songs I wrote myself that I wanted to sing and play. This was a big deal to me.
Well no one showed up except me and two guys, and the person who was running it. They had not bothered to publicize it at all, so almost no one came.
But I thought, oh well, at least I will get to play my songs for the 3 of them.
The two guys who showed up I will call Ned and Ted. The guy who runs it is Fred.
We were just sitting around talking, waiting to see if anyone else would show up. Finally I said "Are we going to have the open mic anyway, even though hardly anyone is here?"
Ned decided to sing a couple songs. The same ones he sings every time, and they are long. Then Ted did a couple. Back to Ned. It went back a forth for a while. I listened politely, applauded, said "Beautiful! Did you write that?" Etc. I did what you're supposed to when others are performing.
Fred looked at me once and asked if I were going to play. I just made a "who knows?" gesture, and looked over at Ned and Ted. My guitar was right there in its case. It was no secret that I did not come just to listen.
So finally Fred starts putting on his coat, like it's time to leave. I started putting on mine. They finally asked me if I wanted to play something. I said "I did want to, but the time has passed." They said "Go ahead," and I said "No, I don't want to hold you all up" and I grabbed my guitar and walked out, fast, without saying good bye.
I didn't want to pretend I wasn't angry, and say "Good night guys, it was great listening to you!" But I didn't want to start expressing how I felt, because whatever I wanted to say would not come out nice.
So, this long story is supposed to illustrate how I personally feel about being ignored. It was even worse, because it was a waste of my time, and I was tired and had a lot of things to do. Instead I wasted 2 hours and got angry.
Is it NORMAL to feel this angry if people ignore you and forget you exist? Yeah, I know they finally remembered I was there. But for a long time they were just caught up in their little egotistical worlds.
No, this does NOT happen to me all the time. As it went on and on and on I could hardly believe it was happening.
Of course, they didn't know I had practiced like crazy for 2 weeks, or that it was important to me. But it should have been perfectly obvious I was there to play and had as much of a right to as they did.
And, of course, there are many other open mics, at other places, that do get publicized, and my practicing these songs was not wasted.
I should also mention that Fred, the guy who runs it, is over 80 years old and maybe a little out of it. Normally I would blame the person running it for not interrupting the egomaniacs who would not stop playing and give me a chance. But I can't really blame Fred because he's had strokes and might not be aware of everything all the time.
This is on you. You should have said yes the first time you asked. Without knowing any more about you than this one post, I would not say you have a serious problem, a lot of people have difficulty with finding the right degree of assertiveness.
And it can change over time. I have a relative who went from being a doormat into a steamroller. That isn't uncommon, but it isn't good. It would be better if she could find a middle ground.
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