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Sorry ocnjgirl, but there WAS a "who knows" gesture in the OP. Nobody was treated unfairly. Fred ASKED if the OP was going to play, and the OP didn't indicate a willingness or desire to play.
OP, Blaming other people for not reading your mind is ridiculous. They ASKED YOU if you wanted to play. All you had to say was yes, or pick up your guitar and play. Nope, OP thought it far better to shrug and expect them to beg him/her to play. I guess when others don't know that you're shy or lack assertiveness, the best thing to do is get all upset and blame them for your lack of confidence.
Yes, I think you're confusing me with someone else.
OP, people are never going to behave the way you think they should at all times. It's how you handle that fact that defines your life. You can sit there silently seething and pouting and miss your chance to play because you were "right" and they were "wrong" as you did, or you can just get your guitar out and play regardless. Your choices in life do not depend on how other people act.
You can't possibly believe it would have been "aggressive and inconsiderate" to say yes when they asked if you were going to play?" That makes no sense at all.
Yes, I think you're confusing me with someone else.
OP, people are never going to behave the way you think they should at all times. It's how you handle that fact that defines your life. You can sit there silently seething and pouting and miss your chance to play because you were "right" and they were "wrong" as you did, or you can just get your guitar out and play regardless. Your choices in life do not depend on how other people act.
You can't possibly believe it would have been "aggressive and inconsiderate" to say yes when they asked if you were going to play?" That makes no sense at all.
No, people will not be considerate and fair all the time, that goes without saying. But when they are inconsiderate and unfair it should be ok to notice it. Shouldn't it? Or just ignore everything people do or say and just do whatever we feel like at every moment?
We are part of the social world, and here we are at a psychology discussion forum. So why should everyone ignore everything?
When people are slighted, they generally notice. And sometimes they tell a friend about it. Or post on a web forum -- NOT A GOOD IDEA!!
OP, people are never going to behave the way you think they should at all times.
This. Plus, who says the others were violating "the rules"? Only three performers and no audience present is NOT an open mic, it's just a jam session. So why assume the standard rules for an open mic should be the ones that apply?
If I go to a game session thinking I'm going to be playing Checkers and when I get there I discover the board is actually set up for Go, it's pretty silly of me to assume the other players are "breaking the rules" because they're not following the rules for Checkers. I'll have a lot more fun if I give up my assumption that Checkers is going to be the game of the night, and just Go with the flow.
Quote:
You can't possibly believe it would have been "aggressive and inconsiderate" to say yes when they asked if you were going to play?" That makes no sense at all.
Exactly. To paraphrase the original Ghostbusters movie, when someone asks if you are going to play, you say "Yes!" Had the OP used her tongue rather than her hand, there would have been no ambiguity and Fred would no doubt have seen to it that she got a chance at the mic.
This is just a case of miscommunication. A little more clarity from the OP (taking her guitar out of its case right away, saying "Yes!" to Fred) would have alleviated all this grief.
(Would Ted and Ned have enjoyed her music? Who knows, but that's not relevant. The OP wanted and deserved a chance to play, and didn't receive it. That's unfair, and it's too bad it happened. She is NOT entitled to an appreciative audience, though; no performer ever is.)
No, people will not be considerate and fair all the time, that goes without saying. But when they are inconsiderate and unfair it should be ok to notice it. Shouldn't it? Or just ignore everything people do or say and just do whatever we feel like at every moment?
We are part of the social world, and here we are at a psychology discussion forum. So why should everyone ignore everything?
When people are slighted, they generally notice. And sometimes they tell a friend about it. Or post on a web forum -- NOT A GOOD IDEA!!
And sometimes they choose to let others behavior take precedence over their goals, as you did when you chose not to play guitar that night. Noticing is not the same as basing your own actions on whether you feel slighted or not..youre letting your hurt ego run the show, how's that working out for you? Is your life better because you noticed and pouted and skipped your turn?
Guessing it works about as well for you as it's working for my ex, which is not very well. He always had to be the one who noticed, the one who called people out, the one who was totally unable to let any perceived slight go. And he's also the one who would be asked to leave the group, the one who got fired, and the one who lost his relationships and friendships.
The saying "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" is truth. All of us make this decision in a thousand little ways every day in a way that is consistent with what we want in life. You're so consumed with the being right part that you never get to the happy part.
Do you want to be right or do you want to play the guitar? That was your choice and you chose being right.
And sometimes they choose to let others behavior take precedence over their goals, as you did when you chose not to play guitar that night. Noticing is not the same as basing your own actions on whether you feel slighted or not..youre letting your hurt ego run the show, how's that working out for you? Is your life better because you noticed and pouted and skipped your turn?
Guessing it works about as well for you as it's working for my ex, which is not very well. He always had to be the one who noticed, the one who called people out, the one who was totally unable to let any perceived slight go. And he's also the one who would be asked to leave the group, the one who got fired, and the one who lost his relationships and friendships.
The saying "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" is truth. All of us make this decision in a thousand little ways every day in a way that is consistent with what we want in life. You're so consumed with the being right part that you never get to the happy part.
Do you want to be right or do you want to play the guitar? That was your choice and you chose being right.
I am not your ex.
I go to lots of music events -- open mics, jam sessions, private rehearsals, etc. I always get to play. I don't sulk in the corner waiting for someone to invite me to play. I have learned not to care too much what people think. I hope they like my playing, but if they don't I still had a good time.
The situation I posted about was ONE example of inconsiderate behavior. It happened to be one of the most extreme I have experienced at music events. Possibly because Ned is egotistical, and Fred is not doing a good job of running the open mic.
I go to lots of music events -- open mics, jam sessions, private rehearsals, etc. I always get to play. I don't sulk in the corner waiting for someone to invite me to play. I have learned not to care too much what people think. I hope they like my playing, but if they don't I still had a good time.
The situation I posted about was ONE example of inconsiderate behavior. It happened to be one of the most extreme I have experienced at music events. Possibly because Ned is egotistical, and Fred is not doing a good job of running the open mic.
You’re not my ex but you have the exact same issues with seeing yourself as a Victim and needing other people to behave in the way you think they should.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 11 days ago)
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Reputation: 50679
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good4Nothin
I am not your ex.
I go to lots of music events -- open mics, jam sessions, private rehearsals, etc. I always get to play. I don't sulk in the corner waiting for someone to invite me to play. I have learned not to care too much what people think. I hope they like my playing, but if they don't I still had a good time.
The situation I posted about was ONE example of inconsiderate behavior. It happened to be one of the most extreme I have experienced at music events. Possibly because Ned is egotistical, and Fred is not doing a good job of running the open mic.
And the third leg of that stool is you required Fred to insist that you play after your noncommittal responses.
Perfect storm. Two guys who wanted to hog the stage, Manager who, with zero audience members decided not to enforce the usual rules of turn taking since there wasn't an audience, and you, who required that the manager insist you perform.
And the third leg of that stool is you required Fred to insist that you play after your noncommittal responses.
Perfect storm. Two guys who wanted to hog the stage, Manager who, with zero audience members decided not to enforce the usual rules of turn taking since there wasn't an audience, and you, who required that the manager insist you perform.
The guys hogging the stage did absolutely nothing wrong. Hogging the stage and being egotistical is perfectly fine.
If you think this was all my fault, that's probably because YOU would have hogged the stage and YOU are egotistical.
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