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To get a GOOD lawyer, find one that SPECIALIZES in Family Law--- preferably with trial (certification) experience. Here's a tip...Go to the courthouse in the jurisdiction that will handle your (divorce) case and sit in as an observer. Look and listen to the proceedings. Take note of the lawyers who speak well on their feet, present cases well, have a good relationship with the judge(s), clerks, and with their client. Some you will see more than once. Some will be "one shot wonders". Some will be well thought of by the the ancillary personnel (guards, baliffs, etc.) Note the names of the attorneys that you like. This will cost you nothing. You may have to observe more than once (don't be afraid) to get a feel for it all. You will be able to tell the cream of the crop in short order. Trust yourself.
When you have 2 or 3 names, begin to ask around. Do some research on the attorney---how long they've practiced, where they went to school, what is their speciality, etc. After getting feedback, THEN call for a consultation. You will have already "met" them (observing in court) and conducted your own background check. Hopefully the 1st consult is free, if not you will have some prior knowledge on which to base your questions. And just like a doctor, DON"T BE AFRAID to ask if they will handle your case, or give it over to others in the firm. Also, ask how many cases like your own they have handled and of those what percentage had successful outcomes.
Choose an attorney like you would choose a doctor if you needed open-heart surgery. Because it will be WORSE than open-heart surgery. Believe me, I've had both.
I found my GO-TO attorney using the method above after I paid for 2 attorneys who were just awful. I mean, one of them didn't even KNOW the law. The judge ruled against the ******* after tearing him a new one. Second one was perpetually unavailable,, phone calls, e-mails, etc. went unanswered until it was time for court, then he was LATE, then he rushed through everything to my persoanal detriment.
Sadly, my family-law attorney passed away 3 years ago. I will always miss him as he became a family friend over the years. And that's another thing, just because you're divorced doesn't mean it's over. Issues come up with the children, schooling, lessons, camp, proms, travel, college, etc. And you will find yourself back in court over the years. So pick someone good, and pick someone you like, cause it's not going to be a short-term relationship.
Best of luck to you---you will get through it---just have a really good attorney as it can make a big difference! Don't get bogged down in HER dramas. Get an attorney and let him deal with it. Follow his advice. You'll feel better, believe me.
Don't be sorry, Heph - the azzwipe did me the biggest favor of my life. I have it all now. No, my current husband is not a professional, he doesn't work 6 days a week and 2 nights; we don't spend every vacation in a tent. He spends every minute not working - with me. We travel - from coast to coast and out of the country. We don't have much, we have EVERYthing. We are frugal together, we have disagreements but no fights. But mostly, we have each other and I would not have found him if my dear sweet ex hadn't walked out on me. THANK YOU, ex.
BTW, marriage for him obviously was a good thing - he was married the day after our divorce became final.
I will still get 1/2 his social security benefits (minus mine) when he retires. The longer the jerk works, the more my benefits will be.
The reason she may have suggested that she go on this trip with you is so that you don't talk to anybody about what is going on or say anything about her. I'm seeing exactly this same tactic in my step son's situation. She doesn't want anyone to know what's going on or feel badly about her.
As for the origin of the marriage many young women expect that they will get married and so when someone asks they go for it. There is also a great deal of projection onto the other person. You expect that they are like you and surprised when you find out they aren't. The same for love. What you feel back is what you are putting out in love, a reflection of sorts, not necessarily what the other person feels.
I hope that this reinforces your own good qualities in your mind. It is impossible to know what another human being is thinking no matter how well you know them. Keep your head up.
How about Chris? That's the name I chose when I legally changed it after the abuse issues.
Yes I see that. One of the things she worried about is what my cousin and her friends would say about her. When her friend from California came to visit I took a sabbatical to a hotel. This was less than a week after she dropped the bombshell on me, and I don't think the timing was an accident. She had planned a rather large party of 20+ and "forgotten" to mention that fact to me. So I thought screw it I'm outta here. I told her, not asked but told her what my plans were.
Rather than ask why, or what's going on or anything like that instead her initial reaction was one of embarrassement. "What am I going to tell everyone at the party when they ask where you are?"
I realize now how foolish and arrogant I was all those years ago. I thought I had been given a gift, that despite the horrors I had experienced, I thought the universe/god/whatever had given me the love of my life. And all the while I never saw underneath what was always there. I've talked with people we've known for years and they saw this selfishness in her, the need for the spotlight and how emasculated I had become.
Like John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you make plans."
And that's another thing, just because you're divorced doesn't mean it's over. Issues come up with the children, schooling, lessons, camp, proms, travel, college, etc. And you will find yourself back in court over the years. So pick someone good, and pick someone you like, cause it's not going to be a short-term relationship.
Best of luck to you---you will get through it---just have a really good attorney as it can make a big difference! Don't get bogged down in HER dramas. Get an attorney and let him deal with it. Follow his advice. You'll feel better, believe me.
I've got an initial visit on Monday. I've been doing research about what questions to ask, and I've got a list of my own. I'm trying to take this just a step at a time. The shock is wearing off, but I'm just now realizing how far I have to go and how bad it is probably going to be.
As for afterward, yeah I've thought about that in the middle of the night. I know for a fact she will flaunt things to me when I have to deal with her, be it other men, real or perceived accomplishments, etc. And it will be dropped ever so delicately into the conversation. I am not looking forward to that.
And my linear naive male brain once again stands back amazed at how someone who was once so loving, so kind could turn so dark and so cruel. I've seen it happen to others and once again I must say I truly never believed it would happen to me. I can't believe I've written this thread, and responded and disclosed what I have, I can't believe what she's done, what's she said and most importantly I can't believe what she will do.
This thing really is a roller coaster isn't it? I started out today on a high, I met with a friend about a career change that involves classes in the evening and although it's scary and big I felt I could do it. Now late in the night ......
I've got an initial visit on Monday. I've been doing research about what questions to ask, and I've got a list of my own. I'm trying to take this just a step at a time. The shock is wearing off, but I'm just now realizing how far I have to go and how bad it is probably going to be.
As for afterward, yeah I've thought about that in the middle of the night. I know for a fact she will flaunt things to me when I have to deal with her, be it other men, real or perceived accomplishments, etc. And it will be dropped ever so delicately into the conversation. I am not looking forward to that.
And my linear naive male brain once again stands back amazed at how someone who was once so loving, so kind could turn so dark and so cruel. I've seen it happen to others and once again I must say I truly never believed it would happen to me. I can't believe I've written this thread, and responded and disclosed what I have, I can't believe what she's done, what's she said and most importantly I can't believe what she will do.
This thing really is a roller coaster isn't it? I started out today on a high, I met with a friend about a career change that involves classes in the evening and although it's scary and big I felt I could do it. Now late in the night ......
Chris, things always look better in the light of day I hope today is a good day for you!
I'm trying, but today's not a good day. Bad place.
Should I just go ahead and pull the plug now? I'm trying to find another job since I work at her firm. When we split, and if I'm still there I'm certainly fired if not immediately then pretty soon.
I'm feeling jumbled up right now. I love her but I'm so angry at being jerked along and I'm even angrier knowing what she really thinks of me while putting on such a sweet smile. I never wanted to live this way, it's so fake. I know she dislikes me, wants me gone and yet she acts as if nothing is wrong.
I don't know, maybe that just means she is smarter than me. She went outside in the back yard to talk to one of her girlfriends, so I know it was about me.
I ask myself what do I want right now and the answer is, if I can't have her, I want out, I want my half of the proceeds from the house and I want my son. But I also want a stable job and if I'm fired a second time in 18 months that will not look good in a job market that is none too stable.
I would not leave your job right now. The last thing you need is any additional financial problems if you are not in a position where you must work. It would be nice to leave her firm and take 6 months off touring the US but that would take a good savings account.
Making it complicated ? Yes & No, but when you're in the middle of a big mess it is complicated. What does not help is you appear to be in shock, numb to the world and not able to be logical and removed from the problems. This is all IMO normal and why you need a good attorney and Shrink to help clear up your options and make the best decisions.
We see this when we help people sell their homes. Their home carries a lot of sentiment and emotion and is not just a house. We come in without the emotion and help them treat it as a business deal and assist in making better decisions. Those other professionals will help you do the same.
I would not leave your job right now. The last thing you need is any additional financial problems if you are not in a position where you must work. It would be nice to leave her firm and take 6 months off touring the US but that would take a good savings account.
Making it complicated ? Yes & No, but when you're in the middle of a big mess it is complicated. What does not help is you appear to be in shock, numb to the world and not able to be logical and removed from the problems. This is all IMO normal and why you need a good attorney and Shrink to help clear up your options and make the best decisions.
We see this when we help people sell their homes. Their home carries a lot of sentiment and emotion and is not just a house. We come in without the emotion and help them treat it as a business deal and assist in making better decisions. Those other professionals will help you do the same.
Yeah you pegged it. Except add in lots of anxiety as well. I'm asking myself what I'm scared of and the first thing that comes up is fear of the unknown. I've never been through this. The second thing is I've seen over the years how nasty these things can get and now that I know she's capable of it, that adds to the anxiety.
I don't care about the house anymore. We were doing accelerated payments and were going to sell it when it was paid off for our retirement. Obviously with what I've found out now those plans are gone.
I really liked this house, I had a lot of good memories here. But oddly enough I'm finding I can let this house go on an emotional level easier than I thought. I guess losing a house compared to losing one's family puts it in perspective.
I am looking forward to getting back into therapy and seeing the attorney. I'm the attorney can give me enough knowledge to calm some fears of the unknown I have. and I'm hoping, eventually, the therapy can help me get my head right, get out of this panic so I can do what I'm going to have to do.
Yeah you pegged it. Except add in lots of anxiety as well. I'm asking myself what I'm scared of and the first thing that comes up is fear of the unknown. I've never been through this. The second thing is I've seen over the years how nasty these things can get and now that I know she's capable of it, that adds to the anxiety.
I don't care about the house anymore. We were doing accelerated payments and were going to sell it when it was paid off for our retirement. Obviously with what I've found out now those plans are gone.
I really liked this house, I had a lot of good memories here. But oddly enough I'm finding I can let this house go on an emotional level easier than I thought. I guess losing a house compared to losing one's family puts it in perspective.
I am looking forward to getting back into therapy and seeing the attorney. I'm the attorney can give me enough knowledge to calm some fears of the unknown I have. and I'm hoping, eventually, the therapy can help me get my head right, get out of this panic so I can do what I'm going to have to do.
Just remember Chris - this whole thing JUST happened to you like 5 minutes ago.
Your body is having a physical reaction due to all the adrenalin that's been released into your system.
THIS WILL GET BETTER, your system will calm down and relax, though I know right now it makes the whole situation a lot scarier. Give your body time okay?
Thank you. You are a real sweetie. I've printed out this thread so I can read and re-read what's been told to me. I was given many tools in child abuse therapy 20 years ago. I have a bad feeling that things are going to get really bad and I'm going to need every one of them. I hope with all my heart I'm wrong but her girlfriends smell blood and I know they're egging her on.
I'm trying self-talk and to tell myself just what you've said -- things will get better and I'm dealing with someone who's made her decisions 2 or 3 years ago. It hasn't even been a month for me. I think I've come a long way in a short time, just saying that about myself was something I wouldn't have been able to do 2 months ago.
My wife has gotten into astrology and out of curiousity and trying to share something with her I signed up to her site as well. I don't believe planets and stars affect us but I did find this interesting today when I checked my email:
Saturday, Aug 21st, 2010 -- You are very aware of the difference between how things are in your life and how you want them to be. Unfortunately, there are certain situations that have come to a turning point and it seems they will play through the same way, no matter what you do or don't do. Nevertheless, this isn't time to hold back the expression of your true intentions. Even if you don't change what's happening right now, your actions can impact the future as it continues to unfold.
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