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Dammit I know how that sounds but I think I could deal with it better if it was something tangible like she'd met someone else who made as much money as she wants, or we'd been having huge arguments for years but just to be told she wants out without a good reason just leaves such an unsatisfied feeling.
I wish to god I'd never met her. I need to find a silver DeLorean, go back in time and stop that first meeting. Damn her for making me feel this way.
Dammit I know how that sounds but I think I could deal with it better if it was something tangible like she'd met someone else who made as much money as she wants, or we'd been having huge arguments for years but just to be told she wants out without a good reason just leaves such an unsatisfied feeling.
I wish to god I'd never met her. I need to find a silver DeLorean, go back in time and stop that first meeting. Damn her for making me feel this way.
You feel that way now because you are hurting, and I'm so sorry for your pain
In time your perspective will change and you'll realize that without her you would never have had the particular children you now love and cherish so much - THEY will be the best thing to come from your marriage to her in the long run.
There is such a difference between the logical mind and the emotional heart. I've never felt this way before.
When I stood up to my abusive parents, all that took was the guts to do it. I never for one second believed they cared a damn about me. And in many ways it made the thing easier. There was no emotional baggage. It was simple, not easy, but simple. They were evil, I was not. I thought there was a lot of pain with that, and there was, but nothing like this.
This is the first time in my naive life someone I truly, genuine love doesn't love me. Why one day and not the next?
Rationally, in my logical brain, it seems to be a better fate and a happier life to never fall in love, to never allow someone so close inside that they become part of your soul. Foolish stupid and naive.
I was right when I survived my parents, do not let anyone in, EVER. No happy memories, nothing with this woman will ever compensate for what she's doing to me now.
I remember one of the problems I had in therapy about the child abuse was understanding how one human being could hurt another so callously, so willingly and just not care about the damage they've done. As I sit here today, I still cannot wrap my mind around it. How do you live with yourself after hurting someone else? Don't you try to make it right?
And now I apply that same lack of understanding to this situation and I feel the same clueless confusion all over again. I would never hurt someone like this, or if I did I would do what I had to do to make it right. At the very least I would show common human decency and compassion.
As before I don't even merit that.
Yeah Yeah I know, whine whine whine. I'm sorry but I'm in a bad place right now.
My sympathies and yada, yada, yada. That aside. Your last post Hephaestus48 is just wrong. You are looking at things as being all or nothing. Your grief and upset are robbing you of the ability to think rationally. Regardless of the change that has happened to your wife to cause her to want to end your marriage, past good times can not be changed. Your enjoyment during them can never be stolen unless you decide to put the present situation against them. Just like your child can never be a baby again. Those memories are yours to carry with you. Keep them as good memories no matter what the present tribulations may bring.
Lets face it your present sucks. It can soon be just a unpleasant memory from the past. Let the bad go and hope for a better tomorrow. As long as you dwell in grief you are abusing yourself. I believe you stated
Quote:
I would never hurt someone like this, or if I did I would do what I had to do to make it right. At the very least I would show common human decency and compassion.
Well make it right to yourself. Do not hurt yourself. Show that human decency to you.
Yeah Yeah I know, whine whine whine. I'm sorry but I'm in a bad place right now.
With all you've been through you may be aware but...
Be careful, depression can sneak up and kick you in the azz when your down and out. You may not realize it till it's too late and once you get into that deep hole it can be hell getting back out.
About 14 years ago I lost a career I had worked hard to build, due to some partners and very close friends who basically screwed several of us. It was devastating since I loved what I did and had a huge stake in the companies.
At the time I was a total loss, completely numb and in a fog. I was able to evolve into a new career where today I make 50% more money and actually enjoy it more than the old career. I'm a whole lot more satisfied where I'm at today and would not be here if the tragedy in my life had not occured.
So when it seems like your at the absolute lowest point in your life, it's really just a new door opening that will make you happier and more fulfilled. I'd bet in 5 years you'll look back and be grateful for where you're at in your life. It will be better then you've ever had in the last 25 years.
The semi-amusing, semi-sad part is looking at the other person that did this to you and seeing how big of a mess they created and how screwed up their life has become.
In some ways I am grateful for things that did go wrong in my life, otherwise I would have never learned some valuable lessons or made changes I needed to.
I think for the OP he has to recognize he's only 48, which is not that bad of an age. Still plenty of time to build a better life and fall in love again.
I just never get all this "it's all over" thinking. It might be a golden handshake to do some stuff you might never have done. You might be getting a favor.
Since a lot of my job revolves around instructing in a high stress(for some) environment, I can see first hand that it's all in your head. If people convince themselves they can't do XYZ, the body follows the mind.
I can see first hand that it's all in your head. If people convince themselves they can't do XYZ, the body follows the mind.
Our perception is our reality.
We had a spell where we had done a little marriage counseling. The counselor compared this to 2 people who were stuck in traffic.
One person was irate, horn honking and mad at everyone on the road. The other guy was listening to his favorite tunes, was relaxed and enjoying a beautiful day to be alive. They were stuck in the same traffic jam but had a different mental attitude on how to handle their situation.
It's mostly in how we react to outside influences.
Thanks for the warning. I don't know if it is a conscious decision or not but I do see signs of that already developing. I think right now she's living in the moment, refusing to think too far ahead much like she did when running of tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt. I'm curious though about what you mean when you say "self-centered survival thing"?
For whatever reason (mid life crisis, new man, ect) your wife is in a very selfish, self-centered place.
Clearly, she is not dealing with whatever the real problem is but has instead chosen to run from it. Her unhealthy emotional reaction indicates to me that she is strictly in some sort of "survival mode".
When dealing with people in survival mode you just have to remember how a drowning person often reacts to those trying to rescue them. In their panic they will drown their own rescuer.
Honestly, if I were you, I would simply refuse to cooperate with her in any of her plans until she agrees to sit down with you and a marriage counselor for at least 3 sessions.
Not saying this would change her mind about leaving (though it sounds like she's trying to drive you off so that she doesn't have to be the "bad guy" and leave), but, it might answer a lot of questions and force her to deal with whatever the real problem is if you could just get her to admit to it.
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