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Nearly 3 weeks ago my wife of 27 years told me that she was in a midlife crisis and although I've been loving, kind, and a good provider she was bored with me and wants out of the marriage. She said she went from her father's house to my house, never mind the fact that I did too. We were both naive virgins when we married in 1983.
She said this has been building in her for the past 3 years. I feel so stupid now for not noticing sooner. I'm completely blindsided. I knew things were not as good as they once were, for 20-24 we were really, really close sharing everything with each. I'm a survivor of child abuse and N was there during my recovery and therapy. It's so hard for me to trust because of my childhood experiences, but finally I began to trust her. Now I can't help but feel that trust has been betrayed.
She put us in bankruptcy in 2005 with $73,000 in credit card charges. In 2008 I found out she had taken out some secret cards and charged up another $20,000. I took over control of all finances, which is one of her complaints against me now. A month ago she wanted separate bank accounts for "her" money.
I was laid off in 2009, but luckily I am very good friends with the managing partner of her firm and she approached me, not my wife, about a job. I took it, mainly because there was literally nothing else, but took a 50% pay cut from $76,000 to $41,000. Whereas before we were either equal in pay or I made just a bit more, now my wife makes twice my salary and she has come to look down on me. She has told me she has lost respect for me.
I have known her for 30 years and excepting the past few month, she was the single kindest person I have ever met. Now she is distant, overly friendly, overly happy and will not talk about anything other than small talk. She refused marriage counseling. What's weird though is I approached her last week and told her if she wanted a trial separation why not move in with one of her girlfriends and see what it's like to be on her own, no kids no hubby and see if this is what she really wants. But she refused that as well.
I'm left thinking that what she really wants is her current life, current house but me out of the picture. I'm feeling so sad and so scared. I've never dated anyone but N and I'm completely blown away by all this. When we're in bed at night all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss having someone next to me.
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand why this is happening. I hurt so bad. How long does this much pain last?
I read an interesting article in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend that pegs my wife perfectly:
Normally I'd give advice on how to win her back over, but she doesn't really sound like a catch and I think you'd be far better off without her. IMO you should take her for all she's worth. With your lower income you're probably due a good deal of alimony too. Pile on top of that her taking her fair share of the debt and you stand to come out way ahead of her, not to mention you've got loads more dating prospects than she does. If she thinks she's bored with you now, imagine how she's going to feel when she's got NOBODY to talk to and is only left with a couple of cats or a toy dog.
I'm sorry for your pain - but that cliche is true: time does heal all wounds. I know it's hard to believe now, but eventually, you may see this as an opportunity to try new things and discover different parts of yourself that you would have never done otherwise. Things are not going the way you planned, but that doesn't mean it will all end badly. This turn in your journey of life could end up being a not-so-bad, good, or even a great thing. In the meantime, try to focus on what you do have: your health, your children, family and friends.
I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, but from what you've seen when people go embrace their midlife crisis as you say, do they find what they're looking for? Does it make them happy? Is that the type of person they stay?
I'm asking just for perspective. I know this thing is over, I'm just trying to play catch up with her. I've been hit with a lot lately. I know how this sounds, but I truly do love her still. If embracing the inner hippie chick would make her happy then that's what I want for her.
Well there is a saying that everywhere you go, there you are.
I would say one common thread with all unhappy people I have seen is they are disappointed in what the world gives them. It's the husbands fault, the jobs fault, the banks fault, the politicians fault, so on. Certainly outside factors affect our lives, but I only think people change to happiness when they adopt the attitude of what they can do for the world and how they can serve, instead of how they can be served. The people that always expect to be served are always unhappy. It's never good enough and as satisfying as taking the lead and making good responsible changes.
Some people used those changes in their life to vault to a better life either due to pursuing more what they were meant to do.
Did it make them happy? No not all of them. It depended on the circumstances. Happiness is something found within us, so if they were looking for something else to fill them up, they usually never find it. Happiness is not something you can buy or purchase, but often people try.
I would say that I am a relatively self actualized person, because I gave up a decent job with a lot of perks to live my dreams. The other side to living your dreams or fantasies is that there is a lot of real life and reality attached to it. Lots of hard work and surrendering other aspects of life which for me was giving up for a while pursuing long term relationships and some financial and security sacrifice. I had plenty of difficult days and still do sometimes.
So it's cool to say for instance you want to go to France and paint. Fine and dandy. The other side is that you have to be able to support yourself somehow and meet obligations you signed up for such as supporting a child or your debt/mortgage/house. The problem with dreams and fantasies for most people is they want the FREE ride, they don't want what might come with it such as financial expenditure or giving up their lifestyle or learning a language or settling in a new community far removed from your culture.
Since you can't control her and hold her down, you have to let her go. The caveat though I would put in place is that you wont be moping up her messes or be responsible financially or otherwise if she does XYZ.
I'm sure those that profit from marriage and divorce in this country would love to shut down forums like this. Reading stories like this by skeptical, cynical singles only reinforces their skepticism/decisions, along with the roll-of-the-dice divorce statistics.
Once the storm clouds disappear, hopefully a much wiser, healthier man will emerge.
Last night I had my first divorce support group, and I had to miss my 14 year old son's taekwondo testing for the first time ever. He was moving from red belt to red belt with black stripe, 2 steps away from black belt. I had told a couple of days ago that I would have to miss it because of a meeting. He didn't ask what the meeting was about and I didn't volunteer.
Anyway last night my wife tells both kids that I wasn't there because I was at a divorce support group (she and I had discussed it last week). They were both shocked and alarmed and naturally my wife reassured them that no we aren't getting divorced, I would never divorce your father she said. She then told me that my son was "kind of put out" at me.
So I just now talked with him, and I told him that I hadn't lied and that yes there are problems between mommy and me but those are our problems and we'll deal with it. I told him that I was at a meeting and that meeting was to help me understand and handle some of the problems.
He blushed and was embarassed and said he wished mommy hadn't told me he was angry with me. I told him it was okay, I'm a big boy and I can handle it but I also told him that I don't know where this thing is going between mommy and i but I've never once lied to him in his life (not even about Santa Claus) and I never will. I told him I was straight about not being at taekwondo and I was straight with him about the reason. The rest of it was private.
So I asked my wife why she told the kids that the name of the meeting was divorce support group. She said very sweetly that she thought since I had told my son I wasn't going that I had told him everything.
I choose to take what happened tonight as a gift. This morning when I started this thread I was in a serious anxiety/spiral. I didn't know if I had even until the end of August. I don't know, I may not. But I choose to believe that this was a gift to get me out of my spiral. Who knows?
Wow, I am so sorry. I wish I had some advice or words of support. You sound like such a good, caring kind man who deserves none of this and I truly wish you the best.
Last night I had my first divorce support group, and I had to miss my 14 year old son's taekwondo testing for the first time ever. He was moving from red belt to red belt with black stripe, 2 steps away from black belt. I had told a couple of days ago that I would have to miss it because of a meeting. He didn't ask what the meeting was about and I didn't volunteer.
Anyway last night my wife tells both kids that I wasn't there because I was at a divorce support group (she and I had discussed it last week). They were both shocked and alarmed and naturally my wife reassured them that no we aren't getting divorced, I would never divorce your father she said. She then told me that my son was "kind of put out" at me.
So I just now talked with him, and I told him that I hadn't lied and that yes there are problems between mommy and me but those are our problems and we'll deal with it. I told him that I was at a meeting and that meeting was to help me understand and handle some of the problems.
He blushed and was embarassed and said he wished mommy hadn't told me he was angry with me. I told him it was okay, I'm a big boy and I can handle it but I also told him that I don't know where this thing is going between mommy and i but I've never once lied to him in his life (not even about Santa Claus) and I never will. I told him I was straight about not being at taekwondo and I was straight with him about the reason. The rest of it was private.
So I asked my wife why she told the kids that the name of the meeting was divorce support group. She said very sweetly that she thought since I had told my son I wasn't going that I had told him everything.
I choose to take what happened tonight as a gift. This morning when I started this thread I was in a serious anxiety/spiral. I didn't know if I had even until the end of August. I don't know, I may not. But I choose to believe that this was a gift to get me out of my spiral. Who knows?
Yuck -- what an awful yo-yo situation you seem to be going through. From what I am interpreting in your posts, perhaps menopause is playing a role. May be worth hanging in there for the emotional rollercoaster? A thought is to buy her a plane ticket to Provence and a set of paints...maybe she'll be appreciative of your support of her desire to realize this dream.
My heart goes out to you. While I'm glad to hear that you're seeking help from a support group, I wonder if individualized counseling might be better in your case. Even if your wife doesn't want to go with you, I think it's something that can really benefit you. I hope it works out for you guys. As far as your anxiety issues, I think you might need to talk to your doctor about medication that might help. When I had a panic attack recently, I used a simple breathing technique to overcome it. I would inhale as deeply as I could and when my lungs were full I would exhale as deeply as I could. I kept repeating this with really no major gaps between the deep inhaling and exhaling. I hope that helps you.
I'm sorry for your circumstance too. I've been there and I wouldn't hold any hope that she will stay. This inbetween stage can last an indeterminate amount of time. Best to get yourself seperated emotionally and find out what financial steps you need to take like making sure you're off her credit cards for responsibility. Pull a credit report asap for balances.
Disentangling after so many years is like pulling a wad of cobwebs off you one at a time. You'll go through the stages that a person goes through upon a death starting with shock at the situation. If she is hellbent on her bucket list chances are she will quit her job and move so I would advise you to wait and keep yours. You might not have to experience that akwardness of both working at the same place. One thing that is a big shocker for both parties is the added expense in living. Two incomes make a difference. Usually both have to downsize.
I found it very helpful and made a lot of new friends with both men and women who had been through this before. Many have, and that's where I got both my best advise and understanding. My X also had a sort of unwinding after my father's death who was a steading influence on him. Best wishes to you. PS- a bit of pampering for you is inorder.
If I were a betting man, which I am-any takers?, I am willing to bet that she has met someone else. That's why she doesn't want a trial seperation. That's why she isn't scared to be on her own.
I would suspect that also.
Since there are kids involved, the father needs to put them first, forget his own pain and work on getting the kids through it. Planning family activities, spending a lot of time with the kids and keeping them busy will help all get through it.
Kids that age can have a tough time dealing with divorce - and the same wondering if it was all just a lie all along that the father has can be devastating for the kids.
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