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Nearly 3 weeks ago my wife of 27 years told me that she was in a midlife crisis and although I've been loving, kind, and a good provider she was bored with me and wants out of the marriage. She said she went from her father's house to my house, never mind the fact that I did too. We were both naive virgins when we married in 1983.
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If it is any consolation to you most likely she will be back knocking on your door in a couple of years when she comes to the realization that nobody else will want her. Or if they do, they will not be so kind and generous to put up with her spending habits for long.
I understand that you had a rough childhood which resulted in difficulties with trust issues. Because of this you have "put up" with an awful lot of crap because you felt that she was the only person you could ever trust. I'm here to tell you that you can have a better life than you have had. This woman's issues with money was no walk in the park, from what I gather from your description.
Why not look at this as an opportunity for you to heal yourself and move on with your life. I am thinking you can find someone to love you, care for you, adore you and not spend every penny you earn.
Hang in there. It will get easier in time. We're all rooting for you here on CD.
all the responses and posts but I read at least 2 pages. I'm sorry this had to happen to you but you're a better man than me--I am 48 and never married, tho i have a decent job and am independent. I didn't suffer "Child abuse" per se but my home environment certainly wasn't what it should have been. At least you braved it out. I guess we all have kind of the "same formula with different ingredients"
just curious, you had mentioned that you were both virgins when you married, did that ever become an issue either when you married or during the marriage? did she ever denigrate your relationship for that compared to other couples or did you feel respected for the inexperience?
God I hope you're right. Logically I know it, I've got letters and diaries I wrote when I was going through crap with my parents. I read them now from a very different viewpoint than when I wrote them in 1989. I got over that, I guess I can get over this too. And I am glad to be free of them. I rarely think of them, I've gone years actually without caring a tinker's dam.
But Jesus, why do I have to do this AGAIN?
Maybe there is a reason.
Maybe you needed a break to discover yourself and become a person not wrapped up in the identity of another.
Maybe there is something you needed to learn.
Dunno, it will be your journey to figure out.
Geez you might even be able to retire decently in 15-20 years without some woman running up another hundred grand in credit card debt.
I was married for 28 years. The azzwipe left me a note on the door on Dec 26 saying not to try to find him, etc etc. How sweet. At first I was devastated. But by day 2 I was mad as a Hatter! The coward didn't even have the courage to talk to me. Good riddance - and I never looked back. What I did do is take the high road. He kept insisting he was a nice guy and wouldn't stab me in the back, wouldn't try to be nasty - HA! He hired the nastiest lawyer he could find and he tried every nasty trick in the book. So I said, here's what I want, bottom line. But mostly I want out - use that to your advantage. I WANT OUT! I have nothing broken, still have my teeth, and now I finally have sanity. I have it all. I want the money he borrowed from my 401K and I want 1/2 his. I don't want alimony, I don't want anything except to be left alone.
He'd already put us in bankruptcy 2 years before so there was no house, no savings, nothing except freedom.
The similarities: - he was a virgin. We both went from parents to marriage (college in the middle), married at 20, baby at 21.
Relax. Watch out for the worst behavior from her than you can possibly imagine - every dirty, nasty trick her lawyer can pull. Get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Be clear on what you want, what you will not accept - make sure she retains her own debts. Then live. You will be happy again.
BTW, the poster who said she'll find no one else will want her at age 55, is absolutely wrong. We DO get better with age.
VERY IMPORTANT: No matter what - make sure you personally close each and every credit card you have in joint names. Do not trust the divorce decree saying she is responsible for this one, you for that one. Until you personally contact the CC company and have your name removed (by closing), the CC company can still come after you for the debt if she does not pay. I have personal experience with my husband's ex-wife doing just that to him. 5 years later, she opened a revolving card based on the existing card with Sears WITHOUT my husband's signature - it's in the original CC agreement he signed - and the witch charged appliances, washer/dryer/fridge/stove, etc. and paid NOTHING! They came after him and won.
If it is any consolation to you most likely she will be back knocking on your door in a couple of years when she comes to the realization that nobody else will want her. Or if they do, they will not be so kind and generous to put up with her spending habits for long.
20yrsinBranson
My mother was born in Branson.
No she won't do that. She's the type of person who rarely looks back, and when she does she chooses only to see things that she remembers as fun or pleasant. She's never once looked back with regret in the 30 years I've known her. She won't do it here, even if she does regret her choice. I don't think she will regret her choice actually. Oh she might feel a twinge of guilt every now and then but she'll brush it aside easily and quickly.
She won't find what she's looking for but that's her journey not mine.
Maybe you needed a break to discover yourself and become a person not wrapped up in the identity of another.
Maybe there is something you needed to learn.
Dunno, it will be your journey to figure out.
Geez you might even be able to retire decently in 15-20 years without some woman running up another hundred grand in credit card debt.
Thank you. Maybe you're right, I just can't imagine what that would be right now.
It's funny you say that about money. Do you know I know to the penny how much is in my account? When we had the joint account our checking would not have be empty by now less than a week after payday, but I'd be dipping into savings to cover her spending.
It's also funny, she's already exhausted her money and is now talking about eating exclusively out of the pantry and garage fridge. She looked at me severely and said I should start getting used to chicken and spaghetti. I looked at her cheerfully and said no problem I'm not eating very much nowadays anyway!
I was married for 28 years. The azzwipe left me a note on the door on Dec 26 saying not to try to find him, etc etc. How sweet. At first I was devastated. But by day 2 I was mad as a Hatter! The coward didn't even have the courage to talk to me. Good riddance - and I never looked back. What I did do is take the high road. He kept insisting he was a nice guy and wouldn't stab me in the back, wouldn't try to be nasty - HA! He hired the nastiest lawyer he could find and he tried every nasty trick in the book. So I said, here's what I want, bottom line. But mostly I want out - use that to your advantage. I WANT OUT! I have nothing broken, still have my teeth, and now I finally have sanity. I have it all. I want the money he borrowed from my 401K and I want 1/2 his. I don't want alimony, I don't want anything except to be left alone.
He'd already put us in bankruptcy 2 years before so there was no house, no savings, nothing except freedom.
The similarities: - he was a virgin. We both went from parents to marriage (college in the middle), married at 20, baby at 21.
Relax. Watch out for the worst behavior from her than you can possibly imagine - every dirty, nasty trick her lawyer can pull. Get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Be clear on what you want, what you will not accept - make sure she retains her own debts. Then live. You will be happy again.
BTW, the poster who said she'll find no one else will want her at age 55, is absolutely wrong. We DO get better with age.
VERY IMPORTANT: No matter what - make sure you personally close each and every credit card you have in joint names. Do not trust the divorce decree saying she is responsible for this one, you for that one. Until you personally contact the CC company and have your name removed (by closing), the CC company can still come after you for the debt if she does not pay. I have personal experience with my husband's ex-wife doing just that to him. 5 years later, she opened a revolving card based on the existing card with Sears WITHOUT my husband's signature - it's in the original CC agreement he signed - and the witch charged appliances, washer/dryer/fridge/stove, etc. and paid NOTHING! They came after him and won.
Aw geez Annie, I'm really sorry.
I agree she'll find partners. She doesn't look 55, she could easily pass for 45. She's outgoing, cheerful and loves gatherings/parties. But I think she wants out, out on her own much more than sex.
Yes I've already started separating credit cards. I ran a credit report and it's clean. But you make a good point. I need to go through all department store cards as well. God she's got a lot of them.
I was married for 28 years. The azzwipe left me a note on the door on Dec 26 saying not to try to find him, etc etc. How sweet.
Not to distract from Hep's issues but ...
In high school I delivered for a Florist. A man came in and ordered his wife a dozen roses and the note said "When these roses are gone, I will be also"
I was lucky enough to be the one selected to take the flowers to her work. I didn't hang around while she read the note since I figured she might shoot the messenger and not the message.
I wonder in todays world how many spouses have been dumped by a text message.
The reason she may have suggested that she go on this trip with you is so that you don't talk to anybody about what is going on or say anything about her. I'm seeing exactly this same tactic in my step son's situation. She doesn't want anyone to know what's going on or feel badly about her.
As for the origin of the marriage many young women expect that they will get married and so when someone asks they go for it. There is also a great deal of projection onto the other person. You expect that they are like you and surprised when you find out they aren't. The same for love. What you feel back is what you are putting out in love, a reflection of sorts, not necessarily what the other person feels.
I hope that this reinforces your own good qualities in your mind. It is impossible to know what another human being is thinking no matter how well you know them. Keep your head up.
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I didn't read
I didn't hang around while she read the note since I figured she might shoot the messenger and not the message.
