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Boy Hep, I hope you can come back here in one year and update us on what you have posted. I suspect in 1 year you'll read your posts objectively and with a clear head and then say how glad you are to be free of this woman. Just a good bet.
H, just slow down and take a few deep breaths okay?
I've actually been monitoring the computer the last few hours because I am so concerned about you and wanted to be here if you posted again.
I know it feels like your world is spiraling out of control as you are being hit with every emotion imaginable, but do try to hang on. You have a lot to process and it will not all happen in a day. Don't be so quick to rush to conclusions, you need time to really think thru the things you think you understand about your wife right now. In time things will be a lot clearer, but with so much emotion involved right now it really is hard to think straight.
Okay. Friends told me I'd be on a roller coaster, I just didn't know they meant it literally. Yesterday I felt on top of the world. Now, not so much.
I WILL get through this. I'm trying to stay in the moment and not repress/suppress what's going on. I did that growing up and it caused all sorts of hell for me.
I thought I'd learned who was who. Now I'm finding out, not so much.
I never thought I'd say this but I am looking forward to getting all this ugliness out in therapy and group. I don't like feeling it and I don't like others seeing it. And I'll be tripled damn in hell before I show vulnerability to my soon-to-be-ex.
Thank you for listening and responding. Please know it means a great deal.
Okay. Friends told me I'd be on a roller coaster, I just didn't know they meant it literally. Yesterday I felt on top of the world. Now, not so much.
I WILL get through this. I'm trying to stay in the moment and not repress/suppress what's going on. I did that growing up and it caused all sorts of hell for me.
I thought I'd learned who was who. Now I'm finding out, not so much.
I never thought I'd say this but I am looking forward to getting all this ugliness out in therapy and group. I don't like feeling it and I don't like others seeing it. And I'll be tripled damn in hell before I show vulnerability to my soon-to-be-ex.
Thank you for listening and responding. Please know it means a great deal.
Just take it one day, one hour, at a time - remember that journey of 10,000 miles? You WILL get to your destination, but pace yourself or the journey will be a lot harder.
Just lean on your friends, and come here to vent and get moral support - many of us here really do care.
In conclusion, I wouldn't sit around wallowing in misery, but use it as an opportunity to connect with yourself and what you enjoy and how you can make a good life for yourself.
I hear you. Nut up or shut up. And I agree.
But I do need to take care of one rather large housekeeping item and find myself another job. As long as I'm at her firm I am diminished and vulnerable. Believe me I doing something every day to find something else. I will, I know I will but until then I've got to take care of myself and get my head right. I hate these anxiety spirals. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of allowing someone else to control my feelings this way.
Never say never, but I can't imagine ever being close to anyone again. I was fooled once by my parents, shame on them. I was fooled again by my soon-to-be-ex. Shame on me. There won't be a third time.
I was fooled again by my soon-to-be-ex. Shame on me. There won't be a third time.
Hep, tomorrow I'll celebrate my 34th wedding anniversary so I can feel your pain & understand your total commitment you've had with your wife. About 4 weeks ago I thought we were starting to head down your path and realized I could not imagine being without her. Right now we are well.
But.... it is very normal to feel the way you do. I doubt I would get married a 2nd time at my place in life, but I also know that's always subject to change.
There should be no shame for being fooled by someone you trust 100%. That's why it hurts so bad.
About 14 years ago I lost a career I had worked hard to build, due to some partners and very close friends who basically screwed several of us. It was devastating since I loved what I did and had a huge stake in the companies.
At the time I was a total loss, completely numb and in a fog. I was able to evolve into a new career where today I make 50% more money and actually enjoy it more than the old career. I'm a whole lot more satisfied where I'm at today and would not be here if the tragedy in my life had not occured.
So when it seems like your at the absolute lowest point in your life, it's really just a new door opening that will make you happier and more fulfilled. I'd bet in 5 years you'll look back and be grateful for where you're at in your life. It will be better then you've ever had in the last 25 years.
The semi-amusing, semi-sad part is looking at the other person that did this to you and seeing how big of a mess they created and how screwed up their life has become.
Rakin,
You have hit the nail squarly on the head with each sentence you've written here. You have said it so very well. But, we both know that will be so hard for him to grasp because of where he is right now and what he feels right now. It is hard to suffer through all of this pain that seems like it will never end. But soon, he will see the light at the end of the tunnel and eventually he will be happier than he has been in years. It will happen, it always does.
In some ways I am grateful for things that did go wrong in my life, otherwise I would have never learned some valuable lessons or made changes I needed to.
I think for the OP he has to recognize he's only 48, which is not that bad of an age. Still plenty of time to build a better life and fall in love again.
I just never get all this "it's all over" thinking. It might be a golden handshake to do some stuff you might never have done. You might be getting a favor.
Since a lot of my job revolves around instructing in a high stress(for some) environment, I can see first hand that it's all in your head. If people convince themselves they can't do XYZ, the body follows the mind.
good post you got rep. very true you can build a better life at 48. it can happen but nobody said it would be easy breezy. i know lots of people that folded up and never got up again. getting help is a great idea. cowboy up, does not work well on this one. but i hear you high stress jobs like yours, develop a can do attitude, that is good. thanks for reminding me.
Okay I'm in a bit of spiral at the moment. Maybe because it's Friday night, maybe because I'm relaxing and feelings are up. Forgive me, you're not exactly catching me at my best.
Why does love die? Please, I'd really like to hear from women in particular. How is it possible that you could love a man and then stop? And even more specific, how is that where once there was love there is now dislike? Not hate, no I'm not that much into self-pity.
It's hard to answer not being in this situation, not being able to predict the future, and not being in your or her shoes. I haven't been with my dh for 27 years, but we've been together for some time now, and I can't imagine the love just stopping. Clearly, we no longer have the passion we had when we first met, but it has grown into something else/more; family. The way I feel right now, I can't fathom breaking up my family. There are trade offs and sacrifices to be made in any marriage, but bolting and casting your mate aside isn't something I understand. My husband would be completely devastated if I left him. For that reason alone, and there are many other good reasons, I couldn't leave him. It's a matter of loyalty on my part. Granted, this position is dependent on certain parameters- that he remains the kind and respectful guy he is, etc.
I look at my parents. They divorced after 17 years. My mother initiated it and she now somewhat regrets it. My father was not an intimate, romantic, or passionate man, and my mother was that kind of woman. She was over come with desire in her 40s, left him, and took up with a man that was passionate. They are now married still 20+ years later. But, my step father was not a stable guy. He didn't plan for the future, etc. So, now my mom has cooled, she's a bit tired, and realizes that life would have been easier with my dad- for a host of reasons I won't get into. Point being, she didn't stop to consider the big picture and long term consequences. And I've heard on more than one occassion, I shouldn't have left your father. My dad says the same thing, if we stayed together we would have been on easy street (he's currently separated from his last wife). Hind sight is 20:20.
Boy Hep, I hope you can come back here in one year and update us on what you have posted. I suspect in 1 year you'll read your posts objectively and with a clear head and then say how glad you are to be free of this woman. Just a good bet.
God I hope you're right. Logically I know it, I've got letters and diaries I wrote when I was going through crap with my parents. I read them now from a very different viewpoint than when I wrote them in 1989. I got over that, I guess I can get over this too. And I am glad to be free of them. I rarely think of them, I've gone years actually without caring a tinker's dam.
Rakin,
You have hit the nail squarly on the head with each sentence you've written here. You have said it so very well. But, we both know that will be so hard for him to grasp because of where he is right now and what he feels right now. It is hard to suffer through all of this pain that seems like it will never end. But soon, he will see the light at the end of the tunnel and eventually he will be happier than he has been in years. It will happen, it always does.
Light when all I see is darkness is indeed hard for me to see.
I'm toying with the idea of taking some community college courses in video editing. It feels big, it feels scary because it's unknown. I've got a buddy who's thinking of taking it as well. I don't know, what with looking for a job, support group, therapy should I take on one more thing?
He says if I don't do it now I never will. I work in legal and believe if you think facing a lawyer is bad, try working for them. Bleah.
I'm going over to house to watch football tonight and talk some more with him.
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Divorcing After 27 years - so much pain
