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I realized I've been moaning and whining like a little girl through this whole thread but I wanted to share something positive that happened yesterday (Saturday 8/21).
Yesterday I felt on top of the world. my wife had made a comment after looking at "her" account and said she only had $57 to last till Aug. 31 (payday). But she still had 2 more weekends of groceries to buy. I got myself a pizza on Friday night and told her I'd buy her and the kids dinner out (Black Eyed Pea). So I wrote her a $42 check.
With that she spent $93 on groceries and told everyone that we're having hamburgers, chicken and spaghetti the rest of the week and if you don't like it -- tough. Part of me smiled inwardly as I remember how fast she blew past my stop signs on spending in the past.
Anyway my daughter wanted to go shopping so of course my wife agreed. She mumbled something under breath as she was leaving that she was going to charge it and then pay it back once payday came.
Can I tell you many thousands of times I've heard that in the last 7 or 8 years? What's that saying about insanity -- you keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Is it workin' for ya?
So as the day wore on I felt relief just wash over me. I DON'T HAVE TO do that crap anymore. I know to the penny how much is in my account because I don't have a drunken sailor spending wildly, angrily and/or carelessly. I'm no longer a cash cow.
So I went over to my aunt's house to watch the Cowboys game. They took me out to PF Chang's for dinner. I'd never been.
(BTW when I got home my wife made a point of ignoring my little take home box but my daughter hungrily pounced on it. My wife made a point of acting bored and said she'd been to PF Chang's several times. I told her in a cheery voice that I never had and it was wonderful!)
Anyway over dinner I asked them both if they feel this much relief after it was all over? They both said emphatically YES. And so I tried on the idea of instead of feeling anxiety, heart pounding in my throat anxiety, or extreme sadness -- that I might one day actually feel this relieved.
And that thought was very healing.
Unfortunately today I'm back in an anxiety spiral. Maybe because it's Sunday night and I'm looking at doing 2 jobs crammed into one. Maybe it's because my wife has been texting frantically all day. To whom, god only knows. I don't know. I just know I can't live this way forever. After I escaped my parents I've lived my life being who I am and being probably more open than I should. I think it's probably a reaction to keeping things hidden growing up.
I'm trying my best to be patient and let things happen as they should. But there's a part of that's getting bigger and bigger that just wants this over with. I also know I've got to get myself some help. I want to thank everyone for responding on this thread. So far between here and folks in Real Life I've received nothing but positivity and for that I am grateful.
Interestingly I'm bursting with story ideas, creative writing speaking. It's just for me, I mean I won't ever be published but it helps to get this stuff down on paper. It's like giving birth in a way, you know? And it is cathartic.
I had my first therapy session yesterday and it was not what I expected. Instead of talking about my wife I ended up talking about my birth family. I didn't realize how emotional I would become over something I thought was finished 20 years ago.
The therapist did feel I am overreacting to my wife's changes. She felt my wife is facing some things of her own and that it is common for women her age to start to look at themselves rather than as just a part of a family. She told me she thought my wife made some mistakes but that those mistakes can be talked out. She told me that I don't have abandonment issues and that considering what I'd been through with my birth family it's natural I would be so suspicious and then subsequently work myself up. Once burned twice shy and all that. That's one area she thought I should talk with my wife about, not now maybe but in a little while when I'm not such an open wound.
I went home after that, rather go back to work. I cancelled seeing the attorney and that felt good. I went home and slept soundly for the first time in weeks.
I think I have been overreacting, so I am going to focus on myself and start to heal some of these demons inside. The therapist asked me what I wanted, and I realized what I wanted was my wife. I love her so much and if I really do care that much about her happiness I need to be able to let go.
I don't know where this headed but all I know is I need to get my head right. If she decides on down the road she doesn't want me then, hopefully, I'll be in a better place handle it. But I need to give myself time to change as well. In the short term I'm going to focus on healing me and seeing if I can get my wife to talk to me more. That always helps, just talking.
I had my first therapy session yesterday and it was not what I expected. Instead of talking about my wife I ended up talking about my birth family. I didn't realize how emotional I would become over something I thought was finished 20 years ago.
The therapist did feel I am overreacting to my wife's changes. She felt my wife is facing some things of her own and that it is common for women her age to start to look at themselves rather than as just a part of a family. She told me she thought my wife made some mistakes but that those mistakes can be talked out. She told me that I don't have abandonment issues and that considering what I'd been through with my birth family it's natural I would be so suspicious and then subsequently work myself up. Once burned twice shy and all that. That's one area she thought I should talk with my wife about, not now maybe but in a little while when I'm not such an open wound.
I went home after that, rather go back to work. I cancelled seeing the attorney and that felt good. I went home and slept soundly for the first time in weeks.
I think I have been overreacting, so I am going to focus on myself and start to heal some of these demons inside. The therapist asked me what I wanted, and I realized what I wanted was my wife. I love her so much and if I really do care that much about her happiness I need to be able to let go.
I don't know where this headed but all I know is I need to get my head right. If she decides on down the road she doesn't want me then, hopefully, I'll be in a better place handle it. But I need to give myself time to change as well. In the short term I'm going to focus on healing me and seeing if I can get my wife to talk to me more. That always helps, just talking.
Talking is a good thing I hope your wife WILL talk with you, but I thought you said she was against any counseling? Because honestly, I think you guys ultimately need some professional guidance as a couple - to end things OR to make a go of things.
And I'm not sure what you mean by "overreacting" to things, can you elaborate? Wasn't she the one who told you she doesn't want to be married to you anymore? Seems to me your reaction has been pretty typical for a guy who has had his wife say that to him!
In any case, SO glad you got some rest and good sleep, that always makes any situation more bearable!
Well my feeling is if she won't go, then I'll go by myself and take care of myself. I think a lot of what I went through with my birth family triggered bigger reactions in me than were warranted. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know if that matters anymore. So all the more reason to work on me rather than focus on her or divorce or attorneys or any that stuff.
Well my feeling is if she won't go, then I'll go by myself and take care of myself. I think a lot of what I went through with my birth family triggered bigger reactions in me than were warranted. I love her with all my heart, and I don't know if that matters anymore. So all the more reason to work on me rather than focus on her or divorce or attorneys or any that stuff.
Good for you Chris! You know I wish you all the best
This may have been said already, but women rarely leave marriages and families after so many years unless they are in an affair. I am almost 100% sure that this is the case here. All the signs and signals are there.
Prepare yourself if you have not done so. She is gaslighting you right and left. Ywill not be able to make the decisions that affect your future unless you have the complete truth.
This may have been said already, but women rarely leave marriages and families after so many years unless they are in an affair. I am almost 100% sure that this is the case here. All the signs and signals are there.
Prepare yourself if you have not done so. She is gaslighting you right and left. Ywill not be able to make the decisions that affect your future unless you have the complete truth.
I disagree, at some point the real truth does not matter. The damage is already done and it's time to move on and heal.
I'm a bit late to this thread but just wanted to chime in and say I wish you the best. The end of a relationship is hard, but it sounds like you're on the right track with counseling and getting your life in order, separating assets, etc.
I know it's a cliche, but time really does heal all wounds.
I disagree, at some point the real truth does not matter. The damage is already done and it's time to move on and heal.
He should not be blindsided when his wife exposes his son to a "new daddy" and they begin cohabitating like one big happy family. I have seen it happen so very many times. She is manipulating the situation like a master so she can have it all.
The script is written. Heph is the only one who can change it, and to do so he needs to know where this is all going. He needs thr truth so he can to protect and plan. There is a child involved.
He should not be blindsided when his wife exposes his son to a "new daddy" and they begin cohabitating like one big happy family. I have seen it happen so very many times. She is manipulating the situation like a master so she can have it all.
The script is written. Heph is the only one who can change it, and to do so he needs to know where this is all going. He needs thr truth so he can to protect and plan. There is a child involved.
I have to admit after i wrote that I had doubts about not knowing the truth. The truth does set you free and would probably answer a lot of the unknown in his life.
You have explained it very well above.
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I hope your wife WILL talk with you, but I thought you said she was against any counseling? Because honestly, I think you guys ultimately need some professional guidance as a couple - to end things OR to make a go of things.
