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I hate to state the obvious here, but if you don't want to have an ongoing relationship with someone who is a whack job -- Or just plain unpleasant, for that matter -- then DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM. That is the only way to completely avoid the issue. Any post that doesn't directly address that issue is really feeding the notion that you can have sex with anyone without possible consequences. Instead, the best way to avoid a problem is to not create favorable conditions for that problem to arise.
Hey, in my single life, I was no monk. At the same time, I was pretty choosy about whom I'd scorch the sheets. It was worth it for me to wait five, six, ten dates just to make sure this was a woman I'd like to be with a lot. On the first date, everybody is on his or her best behavior. Almost everyone can appear sane and reasonable. And you can overlook a hell of a lot of character flaws if the blouse is cut low enough or the skirt is high enough. After 3-4 dates, however, it gets a lot harder for a person to hide his or her intrinsic weirdness.
As it stands, no matter what, the poor OP has a good nine months of nail biting ahead of him, not to mention legal bills. And that's the best possible outcome, no matter what reassurances his recent bedmate gives. If the child really turns out to be his, whether she manipulated him into impregnating her or not, then he will be spending the next two decades writing child support checks. The courts don't care who did what. The courts care about the welfare of the child and the child alone.
This is the crap that the people who have one-night stands ad infinitum don't seem to understand. It's almost as if they're willfully stupid or just believe in their own invulnerability.
With one of my pregnancies we saw a sac at 5 weeks. 6 days later we saw a heartbeat. She may have seen a sac in the ultrasound at 5 weeks. Whynot just ask her for the ultrasound pictures? They are always dated and have the name of the patient on them (at least all of mine did as well as those from my friends/family).
Do this. It's been a long time since we had our last, so likely procedures have changed. But, I'd doubt they would schedule an ultrasound on the first visit, unless she further along. Before you ask to see the pictures, ask what they showed. If she talks about seeing limbs then you know it's not yours. Also, as the pregnancy is further along, they can take measurements to estimate the date of inception.
She allegedly went to the Dr today and had an ultrasound and a blood test which confirmed that she is pregnant. This is fishy to me because it has only been 3 weeks and I'm fairly sure that ultrasounds (even vaginal ultrasounds) will not produce any positive results until like week 4, 5 or 6. Can anyone comment on that?
I have asked her about her plans and she says that she want to have a child. I'm not sure how to go about encouraging her to have an abortion if in fact she is pregnant. Part of me thinks it's not my body so I have no part in the decision. But another side of me says I should push her to have one given the circumstance.
Any thoughts on any of this? Thanks.
Ask her for proof from the doctor of the confirmation. Or next time, make it seem like you are happy about the situation and ask her if you can go with her to her Dr's appointment. If she starts giving excuses, etc... that's a red flag.
As for the second and third bolded statements, assuming she really IS pregnant, she has already said she wants to have the child. Even if you mention abortion once (without being pushy) I highly doubt she'll go for it.
Do this. It's been a long time since we had our last, so likely procedures have changed. But, I'd doubt they would schedule an ultrasound on the first visit, unless she further along. Before you ask to see the pictures, ask what they showed. If she talks about seeing limbs then you know it's not yours. Also, as the pregnancy is further along, they can take measurements to estimate the date of inception.
To me, that's a really bad idea.
Let's just assume that she's pregnant. After all, if she's not pregnant then this will not be an issue in a couple of months, right?
But if she is, it's going to be a seriously delicate matter for the OP to handle. He's going to have to deal with this woman on some very touchy legal issues. Issues where, if this guy doesn't handle matters in precisely the right way, she'll get the lawyers involved and perform the legal equivalent of burning down his house and shooting his dog. I don't care what she told him at this point. At month 9, she'll want the money. ]
I'll pick on my idiot brother-in-law once again. He got some girl pregnant after a weekend special. Being borderline Asperger's (Not diagnosed. He just has zero people skills), he basically asked a bunch of questions that essentially translated to "Is it really mine?" When you ask a woman this, you are basically accusing her of being the village trollop, the equivalent of a woman who rushes down to the docks whenever the fleet sails in. I don't care if this woman pulls trains with the local NBA franchise after every win. No woman wants to be accused of being a tramp and she'll punish you accordingly. So the mother of my BIL's daughter essentially moved from state to state and dragged him through family courts the moment she had residency somewhere new. He had a hellish life for about two decades. All because he decided to nail a woman with whom he had zero intention of having a lasting relationship.
So picking up the phone and saying, "I want to see the ultrasound to make sure you're not lying," is a really bad idea. Because that's just going to set the tone for the rest of the pregnancy and, if he's really the daddy, the next 18 years or so.
Nope. It's a much better idea to call an attorney NOW.
Let's just assume that she's pregnant. After all, if she's not pregnant then this will not be an issue in a couple of months, right?
But if she is, it's going to be a seriously delicate matter for the OP to handle. He's going to have to deal with this woman on some very touchy legal issues. Issues where, if this guy doesn't handle matters in precisely the right way, she'll get the lawyers involved and perform the legal equivalent of burning down his house and shooting his dog. I don't care what she told him at this point. At month 9, she'll want the money.
So picking up the phone and saying, "I want to see the ultrasound to make sure you're not lying," is a really bad idea. Because that's just going to set the tone for the rest of the pregnancy and, if he's really the daddy, the next 18 years or so.
Nope. It's a much better idea to call an attorney NOW.
That would definitely not be the way to ask. Instead, questions should be asked in a non-committal way to get more information. If it's faked or someone else is the father, she may slip and provide information proving either. Once lawyers are involved information exchanges will stop.
He should consult a lawyer to ensure any of his actions won't constitute fatherhood (even if he isn't), but at this early stage, talking to find out more information should be of more help to him. In actuality, he should have asked for more details when he found out about the ultrasound. In any case, he still has time before getting a lawyer involved (he should be looking for one versed in paternity issues).
Yesterday I asked her a number of questions, such as which types of tests the Dr performed, which Dr. she sees, etc. She seemed to be getting irritated that I was asking questions, saying "I don't care if you believe me, I know the truth and that's all that matters." Then later she texted me to say that I had insulted her with all my questions...
Then, this afternoon she texted me today to ask if I wanted to get a coffee with her. Quite a quick turn around. What do you think? A devious ploy to get attention? Is she just trying to maintain contact with me in an effort to keep me in her life? It's hard to tell, because if she really is pregnant and it's mine I don't want to be a cold a$$hole, but I just have a very hard time trusting anything she says. Not at all going to meet her for coffee, but just trying to interpret her behavior and communications.
Yesterday I asked her a number of questions, such as which types of tests the Dr performed, which Dr. she sees, etc. She seemed to be getting irritated that I was asking questions, saying "I don't care if you believe me, I know the truth and that's all that matters." Then later she texted me to say that I had insulted her with all my questions...
It's hard to know how to interpret this without knowing what you said. If you told her you didn't believe her, then she would be justified here. If you didn't say that, and just asked questions about the test and the doctor, something any concerned potential father would be interested in, then you may be able to cry foul.
What makes this whole thing suspicious to me is how it all started; SHE contacted YOU proposing casual sex. Then afterwards, she badgered you for lots more hook-ups. Even on CL that would be unusual. And you say you were very careful with the condom, no chance that any fluid touched her before you put on the condom? Then you would be justified in telling her not to contact you until she can prove the child is yours.
You need to contact an attorney ASAP as how to proceed. Personally, I would not meet with her until it was cleared by my attorney.
My gut feeling on this situation is that she was pregnant when the two of you hooked up. That's why she was so eager to hop into bed with you, looking for a baby daddy to pay the bills.
Be very cool, and distant until paternity is established. Not one red cent to her, either until then.
What state do you live in? I know some states have better protection for unmarried fathers regarding their rights towards their children. Assuming she is pregnant by YOU (I'm very doubtful from the story, but she could be), some people here might have knowledge of the laws in their state.
Last edited by JustJulia; 02-01-2013 at 12:49 PM..
Reason: clarification
You need to contact an attorney ASAP as how to proceed. Personally, I would not meet with her until it was cleared by my attorney.
This. Bite the bullet, OP, and scrape together money to pay a retainer fee to an attorney. Maybe your buddies can help out, if you don't have the cash. Look through the yellow pages, or do an online search, to see which lawyers in your area do family law, and see from their ads/sites if any mention handling paternity issues. If you find any that have their own, independent practice (not part of a firm), they may give you free advice over the phone. But this situation sounds like you will need to actually hire the attorney at some point.
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