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What if the OP can't afford an attorney? Everyone acts as though lawyering up is free.
Just tell her the truth: "I enjoyed meeting you and think you seem like a nice woman, but since you have a habit of pursuing casual sex with men online, I cannot take your words at face value. The fact that you can't remember whether I wore a condom compounds my feelings about this. I am willing to take a paternity test the moment we can do so, but until that point I do not accept paternity nor do I wish to spend any time with you "
Yesterday I asked her a number of questions, such as which types of tests the Dr performed, which Dr. she sees, etc. She seemed to be getting irritated that I was asking questions, saying "I don't care if you believe me, I know the truth and that's all that matters." Then later she texted me to say that I had insulted her with all my questions...
Then, this afternoon she texted me today to ask if I wanted to get a coffee with her. Quite a quick turn around. What do you think? A devious ploy to get attention? Is she just trying to maintain contact with me in an effort to keep me in her life? It's hard to tell, because if she really is pregnant and it's mine I don't want to be a cold a$$hole, but I just have a very hard time trusting anything she says. Not at all going to meet her for coffee, but just trying to interpret her behavior and communications.
Here's why it seems fishy to me. A woman goes online, meets a guy and suggests having a night of casual sex. He uses condoms. Then she says she's pregnant. Then she gets insulted that the guy that she doesn't know but decided to have random sex with doesn't trust her.
First of all - if I were the type of person to do something like that - not only would I be on the pill but I'd also make sure he used a condom. If I were the type that wasn't on the pill and didn't care if he used a condom - I would probably also be the type to use the morning after pill or get an abortion with out telling anyone. And I certainly would never expect a complete stranger to TRUST me. Because, come on - she went out of her way to have sex with a complete stranger. She can't really be THIS stupid. So I'm guessing something's up. Then again - maybe she really is that stupid.
I do know people, both male and female, who have ended up with a child from a one night stand so it can happen. I hope for your sake, OP, that this is either a lie she's made up or that it's not your child.
Aside from wearing a condom (which the OP did) and abstinence, I don't know what else a guy can do to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
You are right, abstinence would be the ONLY way, but the bigger deal here I guess is to at least increase the odds that, should you get someone pregnant, she is someone you know and can deal with for a lifetime!
That's why the one night stand is a bad idea. As I said before, I am not judging because I have been there and done that and it resulted in my firstborn child! I knew the guy but only casually.. he was a friend of a friend of a friend and we were at the same party. He was not someone I would have dated or wanted to spend time with, we were totally at odds intellectually, socially, culturally, everything. We were also stupid and partying. And he was a good looking guy. When I found out I was pregnant I remember thinking "Oh no, I don't want to deal with THIS GUY the rest of my life!!"
I didn't know this beforehand, but this guy was all over town and already had one child confirmed to be his and was being accused of being the father of another, at 19 years old! He seemed a bit proud of it, actually. When I told him I was pregnant he never denied that he was the father. When my son was born, he signed a statement of paternity. He didn't try denying paternity until my son was almost 18 and the government was finally doing something to collect child support!
I never kept him away from our son but he chose to do his own thing (and went on to have four more kids) so he was absent by choice when our child was growing up. I must admit, though I wanted my son to know his father, a big part of me was relieved because, well, just way different values, cultures, etc. Big mess. And it could have been much messier. My son is the best thing that could have happened to me, so I would not change a thing or he wouldn't be here. He is now about to be 21 and is just an awesome guy who'd make any mama proud but the way he got here... just not the way to do it, that's all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Even those are not 100% effective.
I hate to state the obvious here, but if you don't want to have an ongoing relationship with someone who is a whack job -- Or just plain unpleasant, for that matter -- then DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM. That is the only way to completely avoid the issue. Any post that doesn't directly address that issue is really feeding the notion that you can have sex with anyone without possible consequences. Instead, the best way to avoid a problem is to not create favorable conditions for that problem to arise.
Hey, in my single life, I was no monk. At the same time, I was pretty choosy about whom I'd scorch the sheets. It was worth it for me to wait five, six, ten dates just to make sure this was a woman I'd like to be with a lot. On the first date, everybody is on his or her best behavior. Almost everyone can appear sane and reasonable. And you can overlook a hell of a lot of character flaws if the blouse is cut low enough or the skirt is high enough. After 3-4 dates, however, it gets a lot harder for a person to hide his or her intrinsic weirdness.
As it stands, no matter what, the poor OP has a good nine months of nail biting ahead of him, not to mention legal bills. And that's the best possible outcome, no matter what reassurances his recent bedmate gives. If the child really turns out to be his, whether she manipulated him into impregnating her or not, then he will be spending the next two decades writing child support checks. The courts don't care who did what. The courts care about the welfare of the child and the child alone.
This is the crap that the people who have one-night stands ad infinitum don't seem to understand. It's almost as if they're willfully stupid or just believe in their own invulnerability.
This is the best post! That's what I am saying too. No, you don't have to be willing to marry the person, they don't have to be THAT great, but the person you sleep with should, at minimum, be 1) not crazy, 2) similar to you in background, 3) reasonable and with similar values ... someone you could imagine yourself co-parenting with should the worst possible scenario (pregnancy) become reality.
Sometimes you can spend years choosing the right person to have children with, planning and waiting, thinking for sure you KNOW them, and still having it turn out badly, so obviously a one night stand skyrockets those same odds that things will end badly and you are stuck dealing with who knows what kind of person for your child's entire childhood, at minimum.
OngletNyC, your post #81 was awesome and i think that may be the perfect thing for Don Leon to say!
Don Leon, what really concerns me and whats making me have my doubts about this girl being truthful is the fact that she asked u if u used a condom.. that implies that she may have had unprotected sex with other people because if you use protection everytime than thats a question thats really unnecessary to ask.
you said you spoke with her .. can you tell us what questions you asked her that made her tell you that shes knows the truth and thats all that matters? like Ruth4truth said, her response may have been justified if u kept insisting that she was lying.
we are telling you to ask her casual questions pertaining to the ultrasound and tests because we are telling you that it is way to early to see certain things like limbs, movement, heart beat, gender.. all that can be seen later in the pregnancy, but right now at 3 weeks its a bunch of divided cells. so now that u know, play a little dumb and nxt time she tells u about the ultrasound, ask her:
"is the baby a boy or a girl?"
"how big is the baby"
is it kicking and moving around and stuff?
"did you hear the pulse? what was the babys heart rate? (its usually a number btwn 120-180)
what tests are u scheduled to get? (some tests can obnly be taken or given within a certain trimester like glucose screening)
dont ask them like sherlock holmes or whatever lol , just casually ask in conversation. i think the best proof for her to show u right now is an ultrasound picture. ask her to text you the ultrasound picture because those pictures almost always show the date the place and the patients name.
of course if you go by blood type, u can know for sure if the babys is yours or not when its born. certain blood types of the parents can only have the offspring be a certain blood type. but yeah dont hang out with her or give her any of the attention she wants like going out for coffee dinner etc.. its a bit odd because if she really is pregnant and its yours and she felt like you was making her out to be a liar about the whol sitiuation, then she shouldve been too mad at you to even ask u to hang out with her. oh well. everyones different.
the best thing to do is tell her exactly what ongletnyc said to say on post #81. when the babys born and the doubt is still there, then get a court ordered dna test to establish paternity.
OngletNyC, your post #81 was awesome and i think that may be the perfect thing for Don Leon to say!
Don Leon, what really concerns me and whats making me have my doubts about this girl being truthful is the fact that she asked u if u used a condom.. that implies that she may have had unprotected sex with other people because if you use protection everytime than thats a question thats really unnecessary to ask.
you said you spoke with her .. can you tell us what questions you asked her that made her tell you that shes knows the truth and thats all that matters? like Ruth4truth said, her response may have been justified if u kept insisting that she was lying.
we are telling you to ask her casual questions pertaining to the ultrasound and tests because we are telling you that it is way to early to see certain things like limbs, movement, heart beat, gender.. all that can be seen later in the pregnancy, but right now at 3 weeks its a bunch of divided cells. so now that u know, play a little dumb and nxt time she tells u about the ultrasound, ask her:
"is the baby a boy or a girl?"
"how big is the baby"
is it kicking and moving around and stuff?
"did you hear the pulse? what was the babys heart rate? (its usually a number btwn 120-180)
what tests are u scheduled to get? (some tests can obnly be taken or given within a certain trimester like glucose screening)
dont ask them like sherlock holmes or whatever lol , just casually ask in conversation.
Actually, the bolded sounds like a good idea, as part of one last conversation with her. See if she'll fall for the trap.
What state do you live in? Look up the laws about the children of unwed mothers. In some states, if the mother is not married there is a legal requirement to give a paternity test to the man named on the birth certificate.
Did your dating profile portray you as having money? If so, I'm willing to bet she was already pregnant and is looking for a meal ticket. If you're broke, I can't imagine why she'd bother.
I think you should cease communicating with her in any way. It is not going to accomplish anything, and you are just giving her more ammunition to use against you if this ends up in court. Everything you say can and will be used against you, etc. I would get a consult with a lawyer but wouldn't bother hiring one until the baby is born. You can't require her to get a paternity test prior to the birth because there is a risk to the fetus when doing that.
you said you spoke with her .. can you tell us what questions you asked her that made her tell you that shes knows the truth and thats all that matters? like Ruth4truth said, her response may have been justified if u kept insisting that she was lying.
First off, thanks a lot for taking the time to provide your feedback. This is very much appreciated, and that goes to everyone on this thread!
To answer your Q, I think you're right, I probably did get too intrusive with my questions. I asked her if the Dr. gave her an ultrasound and when she said yes I said that 3 weeks was too early and doctors wouldn't typically give an ultrasound this early. That probably stoked the fire. I also asked which Dr. she went to. That was pretty much it, but I think she must have assumed I was questioning the validity of her words. I also said that I would want to get a paternity test because I don't believe it is mine. I think this also offended her because she said she is sure it is mine because she's not some prostitute like I insinuated. Not what I was insinuating at all, but for some reason she expects me to take her at face value and was offended that I would suggest it could be someone else's, because she previously told me I was the only possible father. Ughh!
Another thing that is fishy: she told me that at her Dr. visit he said she had very low hormone levels and that was dangerous because it can lead to "spontaneous abortion" as she stated it. Almost sounds like she's planting that seed so she can perhaps use it later. "The doctor told me that I had a spontaneous abortion due to low hormone levels, so I'm no longer pregnant."
Another thing that is fishy: she told me that at her Dr. visit he said she had very low hormone levels and that was dangerous because it can lead to "spontaneous abortion" as she stated it. Almost sounds like she's planting that seed so she can perhaps use it later. "The doctor told me that I had a spontaneous abortion due to low hormone levels, so I'm no longer pregnant."
Well, that actually is a real thing - and it can be detected from the first blood test. Did she see a heartbeat on the sonogram?
Well, that actually is a real thing - and it can be detected from the first blood test. Did she see a heartbeat on the sonogram?
She didn't mention seeing a heartbeat on the sonogram. She wouldn't be able to see a heartbeat yet, correct? We were only together three weeks ago.
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And he was a good looking guy. When I found out I was pregnant I remember thinking "Oh no, I don't want to deal with THIS GUY the rest of my life!!" 
