Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is a regional/subcultural thing. On the west coast of the US, I can't think of any couple I know who were married when they had kids. OP would have no trouble finding that, there.
He would have trouble finding a woman who would give up her career if he didn't give up his own, though, or who would settle for any kind of arrangement that was designed to benefit him over the kids or his partner.
I think, though, that when a guy looks ahead to a potential divorce and imagines he would want anything other than an equitable distribution -- this guy is not ready to be a parent. He is not ready to put others' needs at as high a level as his own.
Last edited by NilaJones; 04-21-2014 at 09:55 PM..
Hurting the children. Money can always be replaced, emotions can't. I'm not assuming it would be easier separating when not married, but it might make things easier on the kids and the couple.
And You think by staying unmarried, with the child brought to earth nevertheless, would not hurt him/ her?
Do you also happen to predict what the unborn child want? Expectations of a family? Or couldn't bother if the parents are married or not, knowing that they didn't care if he/she is a willing party in such a family concept or not?
Last edited by softcrunch; 04-21-2014 at 11:30 PM..
From my limited knowledge of custody cases, you have much more to say about how the child is raised and it's development, should things go south then if your married, your merely a sperm donor just saying from legal perspective if you want to protect the child, just in case. Also pre nups are effective, just get a good attorney if worried about assets
I kind of understand the OP's POV in a way, maybe not everything but most of it.
I myself do not have any kids yet, and if and when I'm ready, I hope to be married one day with at least one child. I think marriage can be a beautiful thing, but marriage has kind of gotten a bad rap because of the high divorce rates and the amount of "gold diggers" out there that basically use marriage as a way to cash in on what their partner has worked so hard to achieve.
It sounds to me that the OP, like myself doesn't like the idea of the confinement of marriage. Marriage is no joke. You have to put up with each others farts, put up with their annoying/disgusting habits, snoring, letting themselves go, and basically love everything about them that you initially didn't fall in love with, and if it doesn't work out... the awful emotional pain of divorce.
I've heard people say that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to them and a few say that marriage caused them to lose their "drive" in life. From sharing possessions, from coming to the same scene each day made them feel trapped and unmotivated to do new adventurous things leading to stagnation. Doesn't make marriage sound very exciting does it? lol. OTOH, those who uphold marriage say that it's nothing like having a good partner by your side when things get tough.
I agree that marriage can be misused at times and allows some people to gain in life by lying on their backs. I tend to support the notion that having Children out of wedlock usually doesn't work out for the best, although it would be nice. Often times in split environments, Children feel neglected, unloved and they'll turn to drugs, gangs, or other things that will potentially get them landed in jail or killed. Raising kids is not a part time job and usually works best with 2 people to share the responsibilities.
Some people on this subforum on City-Data tend to judge people a little harshly for having viewpoints that don't fit their idealistic views in life. As its been said before, Marriage is not for everyone but that doesn't make a person wrong for wanting children. Just like homosexual couples who want children. Although bringing a child into that environment might twist that child's mind from societal norms, it doesn't make the couple any more wrong for having the desire. I respect a poster when they're honest enough to know what they want for themselves and write how they feel. I think some people in this relationship subforum should spend less time beating people up for it.
I'm not a big fan of marriage, most men I know have been burned by it and it wrecks of negativity. Not saying all marriages are a bust, but when they do go bust (and a good percentage do) it is emotionally draining.
With that said, I want to have children. Perhaps in the next 2-3 years, up until this point I was running around avoiding LTRs and now I kind of want to get into one, with the right woman for me of course.
Will it be difficult to find a woman that wants to have children without marriage? This does not mean I will just have children with her and then leave her. It means raising a family, living together, being together exclusively and growing old together. Can this be accomplished without a piece of paper?
To answer your question, yes it can be accomplished if you find a woman who doesn't equate that piece of paper with undue meaning like love and trust. That'll be your hurdle. My friend built a home and family with a great man she loves who loves her, raised wonderful children, they've been together for decades, happily growing old together, and they're not married.
It worked because both of them considered the actual legal act of marriage and the ceremony and all that the concept of marriage based on those things entails to be unnecessary. If your woman doesn't feel the same way, it'll be a disaster.
That said, there's a difference between not wanting to get married because it's an unnecessary convention you have no problem living without and not wanting to get married because you don't want to deal with the emotional drama you feel it comes with. That speaks to a bigger issue relationship wise that you may want to work out before plunging into something serious.
I don't think I know any women (except the whoops babies--which there are a lot of) who would willingly have a child without being married, it's just bad business.
I kind of understand the OP's POV in a way, maybe not everything but most of it.
I myself do not have any kids yet, and if and when I'm ready, I hope to be married one day with at least one child. I think marriage can be a beautiful thing, but marriage has kind of gotten a bad rap because of the high divorce rates and the amount of "gold diggers" out there that basically use marriage as a way to cash in on what their partner has worked so hard to achieve.
It sounds to me that the OP, like myself doesn't like the idea of the confinement of marriage. Marriage is no joke. You have to put up with each others farts, put up with their annoying/disgusting habits, snoring, letting themselves go, and basically love everything about them that you initially didn't fall in love with, and if it doesn't work out... the awful emotional pain of divorce.
I've heard people say that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to them and a few say that marriage caused them to lose their "drive" in life. From sharing possessions, from coming to the same scene each day made them feel trapped and unmotivated to do new adventurous things leading to stagnation. Doesn't make marriage sound very exciting does it? lol. OTOH, those who uphold marriage say that it's nothing like having a good partner by your side when things get tough.
I agree that marriage can be misused at times and allows some people to gain in life by lying on their backs. I tend to support the notion that having Children out of wedlock usually doesn't work out for the best, although it would be nice. Often times in split environments, Children feel neglected, unloved and they'll turn to drugs, gangs, or other things that will potentially get them landed in jail or killed. Raising kids is not a part time job and usually works best with 2 people to share the responsibilities.
Some people on this subforum on City-Data tend to judge people a little harshly for having viewpoints that don't fit their idealistic views in life. As its been said before, Marriage is not for everyone but that doesn't make a person wrong for wanting children. Just like homosexual couples who want children. Although bringing a child into that environment might twist that child's mind from societal norms, it doesn't make the couple any more wrong for having the desire. I respect a poster when they're honest enough to know what they want for themselves and write how they feel. I think some people in this relationship subforum should spend less time beating people up for it.
Marriage is a union of two people, not a separate entity from the two involved. You get out of it what you put into it, so if you aren't happy, you're responsible for that, not marriage. By blaming marriage as a whole, people are absolving themselves of any responsibility for their choices that got them to where they are.
No. Marriage does not mean less likely to leave. Get it through your head. And if the point you're really trying to make is that it's harder to leave therefore marriage is better, you're out of your mind. In that case, all it does is make everything harder on everybody than it has to be, unless somebody just runs out first. Marriage does not in any way equal stability. Get it through your head.
It's easy to find information and articles that show that co-habituating couples "break up" more so than marriages. I will quote the nice, neat bulleted list from Rutgers University below. The whole point of not getting married is so it's easier to break up, it's an easy out. and I personally don't think that's a bad thing when it comes to two adults looking to split up (and it's a strong reason I won't marry again)... but it is a very bad thing for children (and we keep forgetting that's the whole point of this thread).
It has been found that the two groups have quite different preferences and expectations. Compared to the marrieds, the unmarrieds have:
A lower level of commitment to each other, and less reluctance to consider a possible breakup
A shorter time horizon in their life planning
Less merging of their financial, social, emotional, and work lives
Less sexual exclusivity
Associated with this difference, according to numerous studies, are the following facts. The unmarrieds:
Are 50% more likely to break up
Have much higher rates of spousal abuse
Live at a lower economic level
Have lower levels of happiness (both men and women), and derive fewer physical and mental health benefits from the relationship
Receive less help from their extended families
Have worse sex lives
The consequences of these circumstances for children are remarkable. The children of unmarried parents:
Have fewer economic resources
Receive less parenting from their fathers
Face a much greater risk of parental break-up, leading to two to three times the risk of having serious social problems when they become adolescents and young adults, such as juveniles delinquency and teenage out-of-wedlock childbearing
I kind of understand the OP's POV in a way, maybe not everything but most of it.
I myself do not have any kids yet, and if and when I'm ready, I hope to be married one day with at least one child. I think marriage can be a beautiful thing, but marriage has kind of gotten a bad rap because of the high divorce rates and the amount of "gold diggers" out there that basically use marriage as a way to cash in on what their partner has worked so hard to achieve.
It sounds to me that the OP, like myself doesn't like the idea of the confinement of marriage. Marriage is no joke. You have to put up with each others farts, put up with their annoying/disgusting habits, snoring, letting themselves go, and basically love everything about them that you initially didn't fall in love with, and if it doesn't work out... the awful emotional pain of divorce.
I've heard people say that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to them and a few say that marriage caused them to lose their "drive" in life. From sharing possessions, from coming to the same scene each day made them feel trapped and unmotivated to do new adventurous things leading to stagnation. Doesn't make marriage sound very exciting does it? lol. OTOH, those who uphold marriage say that it's nothing like having a good partner by your side when things get tough.
I agree that marriage can be misused at times and allows some people to gain in life by lying on their backs. I tend to support the notion that having Children out of wedlock usually doesn't work out for the best, although it would be nice. Often times in split environments, Children feel neglected, unloved and they'll turn to drugs, gangs, or other things that will potentially get them landed in jail or killed. Raising kids is not a part time job and usually works best with 2 people to share the responsibilities.
Some people on this subforum on City-Data tend to judge people a little harshly for having viewpoints that don't fit their idealistic views in life. As its been said before, Marriage is not for everyone but that doesn't make a person wrong for wanting children. Just like homosexual couples who want children. Although bringing a child into that environment might twist that child's mind from societal norms, it doesn't make the couple any more wrong for having the desire. I respect a poster when they're honest enough to know what they want for themselves and write how they feel. I think some people in this relationship subforum should spend less time beating people up for it.
I see very few divorces that have the "gold digger" dynamic...mostly this is confined to extremely wealthy people. Most women who are divorced that I see end up being in more difficult financial straits after divorce.
I'm not clear though if OP wants to raise kids out of wedlock while living with the mother. If so long term live in relationships really differ very little from marriage...there will still be shared possessions.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
