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Thanks for taking the time to read this, I am hoping to get outside perspective on my situation.
I am a 28 year old female who is attractive, financially healthy, educated, loving, fun and kind.
I met my boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago while I was still in University. I didn't feel a spark at first but he was VERY attracted to me, was a good match (friends spoke highly of him, comes from a good family, has a great career, good with kids, etc...) and actively pursued me so I decided to give him a chance. I was very clear at the beginning that I didn't want to date for the sake of dating and I was looking for my future husband. I also expressed that I don't want to be a long term girlfriend because I have never found that attractive or desirable (I understand that it is what many people want and that's great, it's just not me.). Anyways, he understood and continued to pursue me.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years and we have progressed very well. We now live together (first time for both of us), have lots of good times and it's a comfy situation. However, I recently found out that he has NO PLANS to propose to me this year. Nothing. From a man who plans EVERYTHING and says he WANTS to marry me, this was very confusing. I brought it up and we got into a HUGE fight about it in which I almost moved out. His reason for postponing is that he wants the relationship to "stabilize", saying "A couple that's ready for marriage isn't one that will break up at the flip of a coin." However, I don't understand what else I can do but move out. I am very unhappy as a live in girlfriend (ESPECIALLY knowing he has no plans to propose this year). I don't think that I am rushing it because 3 1/2 years is a long time to date for me and I know that will be the MINIMUM.
I feel betrayed, confused and especially ... ANGRY. I keep trying to be fine with the situation and give him the time he needs but I feel angry ALL THE TIME. I only get married (hopefully) once and I don't want it to be after 4+ years of dating. I just don't and I couldn't have expressed my desire anymore clear from the beginning. So what is going on? How did this happen? If he didn't agree he should have said something! I don't want to throw away 2 1/2 years of what we've built but it is being eroded by my anger.
Well it takes a bit. I would agree with you. But I mellowed some. My cut-off would be 5 years. My brother dated his girlfriend for 4 years before they decided to get married. So, it's not totally off the table. And another couple I know dated for 5 years before marriage.
So, 5 would be my cut-off. But seems he didn't say he wasn't going to propose at all, just not yet. So it seems he does plan to, but wants to wait a bit longer.
But it seems you care more about marriage than him. And if rushed for the other party, and under pressure, that marriage will end in a divorce.
But just depends on which is better for you. Being with him and waiting a bit, or dumping him and the 3 years down the drain and risk never being married, because there's no guarantee you will find another man. But that's IF you love this guy. Otherwise, if the waiting is upsetting, and you feel he's not serious, then it is best to part ways and date other guys and try to find something that will last, and have marriage after 1 or 2 years.
But, if he's dragging his feet, and not trying to progress in other ways working for the marriage, you may be wasting time, and thus start packing quickly.
Though I agree that living with a partner for a period of time is a good idea, not moving forward with the relationship when you know that this is the person you know you want to marry will stagnate the relationship and possibly create anger and frustration.
If all things are fine, and he has said that he wants to marry you, he should progress the relationship, in this case it's proposing, but when you get married may be at a different time.
It kind of reads like he's comfortable with where the relationship is right now, and he doesn't want to progress. Maybe if you put your foot down and start packing your things to leave might send a signal that you want more than just being a girlfriend now and he might react. He might just say goodbye, I don't know, but I think you should either press the issue or make a decision based on what he said.
Your post doesn't mention love. It mentions a LOT of self-imposed deadlines, but no love.
Yep... I agree, and as a man I find it somewhat off putting how she mentions how hard he chased her and she seemed to "give in" to him... I know that's drifting from the OP a bit, but it dove tails into what you mention about the love part.
Romance is a two way street, a man busting his hump to get you is fine and I can see a woman liking the attention but you need to throw the dude a bone.
I'm not attacking you personally, but your post came off like he worked on you for a while and you said **** it, he's ok, as you indicated that you weren't initially attracted to him.
I guess I'm just used to women being hot for me in a reciprocal manner, and I chased but it was clear they were interested in me too, I never pursued past a certain point.
Anyways, I hope he does propose and things work out well, cause life is short and you're late 20's now but tomorrow, you'll wake up and be 38.... not being snarky, just a little life wisdom that has been hitting me lately.
Best of luck to you.
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Do you love him?
