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Most of these advices have come down pretty hard on the OP and I think they are unwarranted. Not everyone can find that one magical person to fall head over heels for and a lot of people do stay in relationships rationally instead of emotionally. It doesn't sound like the OP has mistreated her boyfriend during all this time. That being said, I do agree marrying this guy isn't going to work out on the long term so it's best to cut your losses and move on. Two and half years isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. Marrying the wrong guy for a lifetime is a big mistake.
Thanks for the advice. A lot of people do stay in relationships rationally instead of emotionally. Fuzzy feelings will wear off after a few years for most people anyways. What will matter in a decade when we have a family, busy schedules and lots of stress? Who had stronger feelings for who 5 or 10 years ago? I don't think so. I think that other traits are what makes a marriage last: responsibility, respect, honesty, frugality, character, parenting skills, reliability ... those are what we will lean on. J* has all of those. I know that he will make a great father to my future children and help care for our aging parents. I know that he will never mistreat me and will consider me in his decisions (even marriage - as impatient as I am). I know he is a good man to build a life with. It's just that... we all have values we can't sacrifice and I don't know if compromising on this is one of mine. I feel like it would set a standard in our marriage where my desires on important issues are insignificant. I have continuously pushed my timeline out to give him more time but I can only do that to a point before it becomes disrespectful to myself. I feel I'm getting close to that line.
His reason for postponing is that he wants the relationship to "stabilize", saying "A couple that's ready for marriage isn't one that will break up at the flip of a coin." However, I don't understand what else I can do but move out.
So him saying that ^ makes you wanna move out? Lol, yeah, you should definitely leave.
3 1/2 years is plenty of time. I don't buy this business of his wanting the relationship to "stabilize." What does that even mean? I would bet he's just happy with the way things are, and doesn't want to change anything. He's already getting everything he wants. Marriage would bring him no additional benefits, and would saddle him with many additional responsibilities.
You have to decide what to do. He is likely to just keep stringing you along. Set a time limit in your own mind. If nothing changes between now and then, leave.
Repeat after me (to him): "I want you to marry me by (date). If you don't agree to this within (time period), I am ending this relationship, then and there. It's that important to me."
Don't negotiate.
I would also make some preparations for the downside risk if he says no, but only you know what those risks are.
If you can't confront him like this, you may be singing the same song as in this post for a long, painful time.
You moved in with him. Why go buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
You've been together for 2.5 years, give the guy some time. Some guys tend to fear commitment but it doesn't mean he doesn't see you in his future. Leave the guy be. Proposing is a major commitment and maybe he's not ready yet?
Don't ruin what you have with him because you're in a hurry to get married. For what we know, he's planning on proposing in a couple of months. It would be stupid to throw it all away because of your impatience.
You're pretty young yourself so don't rush. Especially when I read the way you started your thread. It doesn't sound to me like you're head over heals in love, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned how you weren't attracted to him initially and blah blah. To me, it sounds like you found Mr Good Enough and not Mr Right. Believe me, you don't want him to propose too soon only to realize months later you have made a mistake.
It's your biological clock ticking/speaking here, not your heart. It's obvious.
If you were head over heels in love, why would you bother saying "He was more into me than I was into him". RED FLAG. You better reevaluate what you want. Me thinks you want him to propose because that's how things should be, not because your heart wants him to. It's plain clear. I'm surprised you're oblivious to this. The way you describe him does not demonstrate love but a guy who "fits the bill" on paper. The sole fact that you mentioned your own qualities before talking about him says it all.
Last edited by LostinPhilly; 05-24-2014 at 03:23 AM..
You moved in with him. Why go buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
You've been together for 2.5 years, give the guy some time. Some guys tend to fear commitment but it doesn't mean he doesn't see you in his future. Leave the guy be. Proposing is a major commitment and maybe he's not ready yet?
Don't ruin what you have with him because you're in a hurry to get married. For what we know, he's planning on proposing in a couple of months. It would be stupid to throw it all away because of your impatience.
You're pretty young yourself so don't rush. Especially when I read the way you started your thread. It doesn't sound to me like you're head over heals in love, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned how you weren't attracted to him initially and blah blah. To me, it sounds like you found Mr Good Enough and not Mr Right. Believe me, you don't want him to propose too soon only to realize months later you have made a mistake.
It's your biological clock ticking/speaking here, not your heart. It's obvious.
If you were head over heels in love, why would you bother saying "He was more into me than I was into him". RED FLAG. You better reevaluate what you want. Me thinks you want him to propose because that's how things should be, not because your heart wants him to. It's plain clear. I'm surprised you're oblivious to this. The way you describe him does not demonstrate love but a guy who "fits the bill" on paper. The sole fact that you mentioned your own qualities before talking about him says it all.
While I agree 100%, I don't think you realize that marriage has always been about being pragmatic and about children. You sound a bit naive. Not every man marries Megan Fox either but it doesn't mean they don't want to. Everyone settles for "good enough"; don't reproach her for that. Remembering that your spouse is basically "good enough" gets you through the days where you want to chuck them through the window.
In any case, what is the rush? Are you looking to get knocked up soon, or what?
If it's just about "marriage as a status symbol" then I'm sorry woman, but you're insufferable. What is so impressive about being a wife; you get to go through life being referred to as "the old ball and chain" and become a Peg Bundy trope ("Do I have to have sex with her?") And on top of that, studies show that he'll start helping out less around the house because that's "the wife's job." Married men also cheat more than live-in boyfriends.
It sounds to me like you just want to get married for the sake of getting married and to meet your self-imposed deadline. Life doesn't follow a timeline. Do both yourselves a favor and scrap the whole idea of marriage because there is obviously no true desire to be with him in any of your posts.
When I was your age (God, that sounds horrible!), I walked away from the love of my life. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. He was the most amazing human being ever, but I knew he wasn't right for me. As much as I wanted to get married because I loved him so much, I knew it would never work. For me, it wasn't about just getting married. I was in no hurry to get engaged or married because I just wanted to be with him no matter what. But when we looked at what a marriage would be like between us, despite how much we both loved each other, we mutually decided it wouldn't work for the next several decades. We were both devastated, but we both had things we were not willing to compromise.
I don't get any sense of loss or love from your posts. There's no gushing about how wonderful he is. You simply said, "I love him." That's not enough to want to get married. You've said nothing about shared dreams for your life together, nothing about an intense desire to be with him, nothing about being happy - just getting along well isn't necessarily happiness. You need to scrap the timeline and focus on finding the right person, not just the concept of getting married, which is what I think is all you're really focusing on.
I would not want to get married if I was the OP.
This is not the type of relationship I would want to be in the first place.
Yeah, I think you are right. He is worried that I don't feel the same for him. I know that he loves me an awful lot and to be honest, I don't love him as intensely. But I DO love him and we would be very happy together. I want to show him how I love him and was thinking about planning a surprise date outing (water-board jets, a local cruise and a comedy club). It might sound awful that I don't love him as much as he loves me, but the love isn't absent, it's just not intense.
I see where he's coming from. Why marry somebody who's not crazy about you?
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