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IMO you need to tell him he needs to propose by a given date say 25December 2014. Let him know YOU have an expiration date & if he does not meet the deadline you are gone. Meanwhile stop sexing this man or if you do, do it in stages, oral today, vag, tomorrow, the back on Sunday never all 3 on the same day
I originally wanted to get married at the 1 1/2 year mark but he needed more time and I listened to him, I wanted his needs to be met so I didn't press the issue and waited another year. I do value & respect his desires but not at the complete abandonment of my own.
I don't think that he is "Mr. JustGoodEnough". I admit he isn't exciting but I do not think I would be settling. Settling would be marrying a deadbeat or addict. Does he know my views on relationships? Yes, we have talked about it in depth on numerous occasions.
Hmmmmmmmm...................., I respectfully disagree with you as the only "attributes" that equals "settling".
I hope that you actually "deep down in your wants and desires" know with 1000% certainty what you want andnot what you feel you're seeking in a man. Otherwise the union with any man could potentially become doomed.
The OP seems to be getting her azz handed to her in this thread, hopefully she'll do some thinking and either commit more to the guy or leave him.
I wonder if the OP's bf is picking up on him being a second runner up and is that the reason he's dragging his feet. Only the OP can answer that question.
This thread does give some food for thought on the whole not moving in prior to marriage thing.
IDK, we moved in together fairly quickly, but marriage was never on the docket for us, it just wasn't in our radars, both of us, not just me.
Chowhound: How long did it take you guys to get married? Do you think moving in slowed the process?
IMO you need to tell him he needs to propose by a given date say 25December 2014. Let him know YOU have an expiration date & if he does not meet the deadline you are gone. Meanwhile stop sexing this man or if you do, do it in stages, oral today, vag, tomorrow, the back on Sunday never all 3 on the same day
Well, sure! Using sex as a weapon to manipulate someone is always a good idea!
Chowhound: How long did it take you guys to get married? Do you think moving in slowed the process?
I can't answer for Chowhound, but I moved in with my boyfriend. After about a year he wanted to start a family. I was fine with it but my parents would have had a fit. It was kind of like "OK, let's get married to keep the peace and avoid any drama.'
It was a very small wedding. That piece of paper didn't mean much to us.
Chowhound: How long did it take you guys to get married? Do you think moving in slowed the process?
21 years together, not married.
It isn't something that is important to us.
We might get married for social security benefits for her if I pass before her, but other than that, it's not something that was important to us. We're much older than you guys, I'm mid forties and she is 50.
We both come from families where parents have been multiple times and multiple divorces. Our parents never really busted our chops for not being married, but it was easier for us as we both knew going in that we weren't having children and we aren't religious in the traditional sense.
To people that feel it is important you need to get off the pot and move forward if it is something that is what you want, life goes quick and unfortunately you might have to make some uncomfortable decisions here pretty soon.
Either you're in or you're out, but to be fair to your man, you need to decide if you really love this dude, or like I said before, is getting married some life list to do item, or do you really want this man.
Think about that part, do it a selfless manner, if that makes any sense.
I don't normally advocate ultimatums but sometimes they can kick start someone and force them to evaluate what is important in their lives.
I was under the impression that a man knows if he wants to marry a woman within the first few weeks. If there aren't any barriers to marriage (ie, financial, relocation, kids, etc...) then it should happen relatively soon. I don't know why that was the number, I just had to pick one because I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship where I'm dragged along or kept around as a faux wife. I didn't want to be that "cow" quote everyone keeps posting ("why buy the cow if the milk is free" ??) <- (I hate that quote, I think it's very disrespectful).
I was under the impression that a man knows if he wants to marry a woman within the first few weeks. If there aren't any barriers to marriage (ie, financial, relocation, kids, etc...) then it should happen relatively soon. I don't know why that was the number, I just had to pick one because I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship where I'm dragged along or kept around as a faux wife. I didn't want to be that "cow" quote everyone keeps posting ("why buy the cow if the milk is free" ??) <- (I hate that quote, I think it's very disrespectful).
That quote belongs in the 1800's.
It basically says a woman has to with-hold sex to trap a man.
Women LIKE sex.
Surprise!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I am hoping to get outside perspective on my situation.
I am a 28 year old female who is attractive, financially healthy, educated, loving, fun and kind.
I met my boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago while I was still in University. I didn't feel a spark at first but he was VERY attracted to me, was a good match (friends spoke highly of him, comes from a good family, has a great career, good with kids, etc...) and actively pursued me so I decided to give him a chance. I was very clear at the beginning that I didn't want to date for the sake of dating and I was looking for my future husband. I also expressed that I don't want to be a long term girlfriend because I have never found that attractive or desirable (I understand that it is what many people want and that's great, it's just not me.). Anyways, he understood and continued to pursue me.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years and we have progressed very well. We now live together (first time for both of us), have lots of good times and it's a comfy situation. However, I recently found out that he has NO PLANS to propose to me this year. Nothing. From a man who plans EVERYTHING and says he WANTS to marry me, this was very confusing. I brought it up and we got into a HUGE fight about it in which I almost moved out. His reason for postponing is that he wants the relationship to "stabilize", saying "A couple that's ready for marriage isn't one that will break up at the flip of a coin." However, I don't understand what else I can do but move out. I am very unhappy as a live in girlfriend (ESPECIALLY knowing he has no plans to propose this year). I don't think that I am rushing it because 3 1/2 years is a long time to date for me and I know that will be the MINIMUM.
I feel betrayed, confused and especially ... ANGRY. I keep trying to be fine with the situation and give him the time he needs but I feel angry ALL THE TIME. I only get married (hopefully) once and I don't want it to be after 4+ years of dating. I just don't and I couldn't have expressed my desire anymore clear from the beginning. So what is going on? How did this happen? If he didn't agree he should have said something! I don't want to throw away 2 1/2 years of what we've built but it is being eroded by my anger.
I think you complicated things by moving in with him. Still, I wouldn't tell you to leave him just yet if you're otherwise happy with the relationship. Maybe leave after another year or so, if he still hasn't proposed. I know the living together thing works for some people, but based on things I've seen in my own family, I would just rather not do it at all.
Oh, and don't get pregnant.
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