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Thanks for the advice. A lot of people do stay in relationships rationally instead of emotionally. Fuzzy feelings will wear off after a few years for most people anyways. What will matter in a decade when we have a family, busy schedules and lots of stress? Who had stronger feelings for who 5 or 10 years ago? I don't think so. I think that other traits are what makes a marriage last: responsibility, respect, honesty, frugality, character, parenting skills, reliability ... those are what we will lean on. J* has all of those. I know that he will make a great father to my future children and help care for our aging parents. I know that he will never mistreat me and will consider me in his decisions (even marriage - as impatient as I am). I know he is a good man to build a life with. It's just that... we all have values we can't sacrifice and I don't know if compromising on this is one of mine. I feel like it would set a standard in our marriage where my desires on important issues are insignificant. I have continuously pushed my timeline out to give him more time but I can only do that to a point before it becomes disrespectful to myself. I feel I'm getting close to that line.
This should be your biggest red flag ^^^.
This is the very beginning of a lifetime of resentment. All that practical stuff you mention at the beginning of this post matters not when you are not in love with and do not respect your partner. And marriage is NOT about him making you happy and whether he checks all the boxes on your list.
You are VERY young. I am almost twice as old as you are, and I've been married almost as long as you have been alive.
The thing is that you really have no idea what's ahead, how long life can really be when you've spent two and three decades with someone. You aren't factoring in outside influences on a marriage that is not rock solid in the first place. What will happen when you DO meet a guy you feel a spark for? It happens even when you're married. Or when one of you loses a job or you have a child with serious health problems and YOU have to sacrifice MORE when you already feel like you've sacrificed SO MUCH? You will begin to hate your husband, and you will feel terrible about it because, well, he's nice to you and is a good provider.
The least you two should do is take a break. And you really need to be honest with him.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 05-24-2014 at 10:20 AM..
Reason: typo
He's the kind of guy who will break up with you, meet another girl and be married in 6 months.
Bank on it.
That's exactly what I was thinking as I read the original post.
From my own experience, I lived with my first husband for five years before we got married. It was a huge mistake and we divorced 9 years after we married. We weren't excited to get married, but I think we both felt that after five years of living together, we needed to either marry or break up, and what with the house and all, we were too entrenched to just break up for no good reason. So we got married for no good reason.
IMO, if a man isn't passionate enough about a woman to want to marry her, and if he doesn't care enough about her to want her happiness at least as much as he wants his own, moving in is never going to make any difference in how he feels, except that he is likely to become bored with her or to realize that he has everything he wants, so why commit to someone he doesn't feel passionate about.
I feel for you. You know that this is killing your self esteem and your love for him inch by inch. You can do better.
This should be your biggest red flag ^^^.
This is the very beginning of a lifetime of resentment. All that practical stuff you mention at the beginning of this post matters not when you are not in love with and do not respect your partner. And marriage is NOT about him making you happy and whether he checks all the boxes on your list.
You are VERY young. I am almost twice as old as you are, and I've been married almost as long as you have been alive.
The thing is that you really have no idea what's ahead, how long life can really be when you've spent two and three decades with someone. You aren't factoring in outside influences on a marriage that is not rock solid in the first place. What will happens when you DO meet a guy you feel a spark for? It happens even when you're married. Or when one of you loses a job or you have a child with serious health problems and YOU have to sacrifice MORE when you already feel like you've sacrificed SO MUCH?
The least you two should do is take a break. And you really need to be honest with him.
Wonderful post.
OP, it does sound he meets 98% of your ideal requirements, with the exception of love and marriage.
Sometimes there are people that we want to love, because they would make great partners, but the heart disagrees. That sounds like the case here....maybe on both sides.
OP: He's getting what he wants. There's an old saying. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free. It applies to you.
You are operating under the mistaken impression that all milk is worth buying, and it is not. I imagine he is comfortable when he is not being pestered about marriage. I also think he is aware that he falls into the "acceptable/meets standards" category.
Will buy a fabulous ring to impress shallow people: Check
Good provider: Check
Sperm donor: Check
Remembers to buy me things: Check
Will take the kids to practice and pick them up: Check
What is missing is "a spark," and he knows that. He is absolutely making the right decision.
Thanks for the advice. A lot of people do stay in relationships rationally instead of emotionally. Fuzzy feelings will wear off after a few years for most people anyways. What will matter in a decade when we have a family, busy schedules and lots of stress? Who had stronger feelings for who 5 or 10 years ago? I don't think so. I think that other traits are what makes a marriage last: responsibility, respect, honesty, frugality, character, parenting skills, reliability ... those are what we will lean on. J* has all of those. I know that he will make a great father to my future children and help care for our aging parents. I know that he will never mistreat me and will consider me in his decisions (even marriage - as impatient as I am). I know he is a good man to build a life with. It's just that... we all have values we can't sacrifice and I don't know if compromising on this is one of mine. I feel like it would set a standard in our marriage where my desires on important issues are insignificant. I have continuously pushed my timeline out to give him more time but I can only do that to a point before it becomes disrespectful to myself. I feel I'm getting close to that line.
Reading this is just kind of sad. If you marry him, in 5 or 10 years, you will both have additional responsibilities. You will both also feel a deep emotional void. You don't love him enough to marry him, and he eventually won't love you either.
Having read through this thread, I think you should do what 'mghow' wisely suggests in post 58. And report back to us.
At this point, you've received lots of great advice and insight which I think only an open emotionally naked conversation with him can serve to bring things to some acceptable action on your part for your well being. We've heard your story, and I think from the ways you've referred to him and described your feelings toward him that these are tipoffs as to why he's been hesitant (if truly interested in marriage). i.e. he's consolation prize and has more emotionally invested in you (your perception).
I'd be most interested in knowing Has the two and half years been filled with lots of quality time sharing thoughts / feelings or just doing stuff together? How is the communication between you on regular basis? What was the context of the conversation that led up to you two deciding to live together?
I think that will provide insight into both of your mindsets / intent toward marriage. If ever there was a time for you to insist on knowing about marriage that was it. Consider this a vital life lesson.
Otherwise, he's now sitting pretty in the situation he has. He enjoys the benefits of playing house as an adult without any negatives. Ask yourself, if you were him and you knew how 'Journeyhome85' felt about him what if anything would make him change his mind/outlook?
Print out the whole thread when you are both in good moods, take a leisurely walk to a park, zoo or circus (~see below) and tell him you've been thinking about what a life together would look like and to you that would be full openness honesty and that you'd like to have him read something all the way through and to take the time to give his thoughts on what he read.
IME, a couple should marry when both feel they may as well because, either way, they'll spend the rest of their lives together. That's how it was with my late wife and me. We knew we were together for the rest of our lives. Marriage wasn't important; it was just a nice topping on the cake. One day I asked her to marry me, and we were married a week later. I got to introduce her as my wife and she got to introduce me as her husband. Nothing else changed.
OP, it seems the opposite is true with you. You're considering moving out or breaking up with him because there's no immediate marriage plans. A wedding does not make a couple; it only makes it official. If you're not happy with him as a BF, you won't be happy with him as a husband. If you were truly "right" for each other, you'd be happy as a dove simply being together, and at some point both of you would likely decide you may as well get married to make it official.
I don't know and won't be so presumptuous to say whether you should stay together or not, but the fact that you are considering moving out because he hasn't yet proposed leads me to believe that you're not deeply in love with your BF, that it's too early for marriage, and that he probably isn't the best life partner for you. I'd guess he suspects the same.
We can open our hearts to love, but we can't force ourselves to love anyone. Are you 100% certain this is the man you want by your side for the rest of your life? If you walk out today, will you miss him every day for the next 60 years? If not, don't push for a marriage with him, not just yet.
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