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and this could be the problem. Don't try to be clever when meeting someone. That could really add to the sting of rejection (No matter what the rejecting person says). The more pressure you put on yourself, the more rejection may hurt.
if i dont rehearse a 30-second elevator speech, i end up sounding like a bumbling fool.
if i dont rehearse a 30-second elevator speech, i end up sounding like a bumbling fool.
What's an elevator speech?
I get that feeling you know what to say can seem helpful at the time, but is it working? Because "rehearsed" almost always sounds exactly that. Can I ask what sorts of things this elevator speech might entail? Just a couple of examples?
But then, you have to be able to tell the difference between flaws, and what is just your personality type. For one thing, there are many different types of women in the world.
There are certain things about yourself that you should change, that is a given. But the better thing to do is find the woman who will love you for who you are as opposed to trying to change to win over the one who doesn't approve of you.
So this is pretty much a journey to figure out.
Luckily we have intelligence that helps us discern things. For example if we wish to be interesting and eloquent speakers and it seems that every single woman we approach seems bored out of her mind we might find some cues to better ourselves. But if we decide to be brutally honest and direct because that's our way of life and a woman can't deal with it, it wasn't meant to be.
I never bought the notion people should feel special no matter what. People should probably work towards being special and exceptional in things they care about, and sure surrounding themselves with appreciative friends and partners is necessary. But we can't just avoid criticism and shrug it off as "he/she didn't like me for who I am". Finding the right balance between changing ourselves for better and keeping our core values intact takes a lot of trial and error and humbling experiences, but it's always worth it.
i cant remember my male neighbors name; as many times as we talked, now it will be weird to ask him.
Steal his mail and find out.
We're really talking about male-female approaches. You stated you can't remember people's names. I'm assuming that was in the context of meeting and speaking with a woman. I'll say again: If at that time you can not be bothered to so much as make a mental note of her name, YES, that's going to show and NO, she's not going to be drawn to you. Or even if you somehow manage to get her digits anyway...if it were me, and the guy texted me and didn't use my name and kept just...not using it, of course I'd pick up on it and I can't imagine what could be much more of a turn-off, frankly. It would certainly be a portent of things to come. No thanks.
I mean, your choice (on whether or not you want to work on this). You're a free agent. I'm just answering your input. We were speaking of changes one "should" make v. what constitutes one's personality in some non-harmful way that doesn't "have to" be changed. In this case, you not only said in a very "meh" sort of way that you don't remember names, you said you suck at small talk. That means you don't even feel like talking to these women (I'm assuming?) since what DO you have with someone you met four seconds ago than small talk? I mean, I love talking science but if some stranger on the elevator launched right into string theory while staring down my blouse I'd be a bit weirded out. It's ALWAYS small talk for that first bit, sorry. And then throughout the course of a relationship, no matter how many "deeper" talks you have, A LOT will continue to be what constitutes small talk. Even if you engage in a debate about whether Homo Floriensis should be considered a direct precursor on the chain to modern man or an offshoot, hell, that's still small talk. It doesn't address a direct need or express a feeling; it doesn't solve an immediate issue. It's small talk. It fills in time and forges connections with an entirely non-essential exchange.
Last edited by JerZ; 12-19-2016 at 08:04 PM..
Reason: OMG: 1. thought I was writing astronomy - nope; astrology. 2 - then...equated string theory to astronomy...Not my night?
I get that feeling you know what to say can seem helpful at the time, but is it working? Because "rehearsed" almost always sounds exactly that. Can I ask what sorts of things this elevator speech might entail? Just a couple of examples?
years ago, women would wear boots with fur inner lining. we were at a club, i tried saying something like:
your shoes are fly; a lot of ladies are copping that style (90's slang).
ignored.
Last edited by stanley-88888888; 12-19-2016 at 08:04 PM..
if i dont rehearse a 30-second elevator speech, i end up sounding like a bumbling fool.
...
Rehearse A 30 second speech?
That almost guarantees rejection.
Try this. Ask her questions. Talk about what she is talking about. And try to have fun interacting. If she seems dismissive, then move on to someone else.
Luckily we have intelligence that helps us discern things. For example if we wish to be interesting and eloquent speakers and it seems that every single woman we approach seems bored out of her mind we might find some cues to better ourselves. But if we decide to be brutally honest and direct because that's our way of life and a woman can't deal with it, it wasn't meant to be.
I never bought the notion people should feel special no matter what. People should probably work towards being special and exceptional in things they care about, and sure surrounding themselves with appreciative friends and partners is necessary. But we can't just avoid criticism and shrug it off as "he/she didn't like me for who I am". Finding the right balance between changing ourselves for better and keeping our core values intact takes a lot of trial and error and humbling experiences, but it's always worth it.
That's what I was getting at.
I believe that people should be who they are as long as they are not hurting others...and always seek to improve
I personally don't buy that people should feel special no matter what either... at least in my case.
Whether that person feels it or not, they are not a match for each other. I takes two to make a match in dating and relationships.
For instance, I want to be with someone named Jada. I feel she is a match for me. But she does not want to be with me. (She does not feel that we are a match)
Therefore, we are not a match.
Just because I feel a certain person is a match does not mean that she is. My feelings are thus probably not accurate. The other person's feelings factor into it.
Such a great post! You've really touched on something often overlooked here...that your feelings are not the only ones that matter, and that you don't get to make unilateral decisions when it involves another.
years ago, women would wear boots with fur inner lining. we were at a club, i tried saying something like:
your shoes are fly; a lot of ladies are copping that style (90's slang).
ignored.
Okay. I see.
Were you very young - I mean VERY young, like 19 or under? If not, throwing slang out there in a pre-rehearsed way is...yeeesh, no.
Also, DON'T make immediate small talk about her LOOKS. OMG please don't! But especially about her clothes. That seems...I am not sure...either phony or gay? Gay would not be a bad thing in and of itself, no more "bad" than being hetero but let's face it, it doesn't scream "I'm hoping to ask this woman out," and phony is uncomfortable. Taking both of those out of the equation, it is immediately personal. You need to realize that for the most part we women are expecting and fearing that any guy approaching us is looking for a quick yinky-yinky. "Personal" even if it's shoes gets our radar up, makes us uncomfortable, and makes us want to leave.
So you see...you are holding onto this belief that pre-rehearsed "speeches" help, but you just gave an example where you were "ignored." So...how does that work? I promise I'm not telling you all this to get on your case or make you feel bad. I'm trying to help.
How about...you get on the elevator, ask "What floor?" She says, "Three, please. Thank you" and you smile and say, "Oh, me too...I'm going to Convention X...you?" or if it's not your floor, "Oh, you mean the toaster convention? So...what's that all about?" (chuckle) Something like that?
Or...like...something that pertains directly to what's going on, is POLITE, general and allows for a response or not, as the person desires? Because if interested she could say "Oh, I heard about that convention...it sounds wild" (laughter) if interested OR "I'm just visiting a friend," she smiles tightly, looks away and neither of you has lost a single thing, including your self-respect.
Do you see the point here - that what you talk about doesn't immediately get too personal (her clothing choices) BUT is directly and POLITELY related to something that's going on in the immediate vicinity? That's what conversation always is. You get started based on something you can both relate to - and in the case of a total stranger, that's likely to be, by necessity, something going on around the two of you at that second - then little things start happening. With each thing she says, you think of something else, and she does the same. And then...voila. You're having a conversation. It may eventually go way off-topic to the original commentary. It may be so much fun you both want to extend it...say over coffee or drinks later? And there ya go! And again, if not....what have you lost? And what has she lost? Nothing. Each of you exchanged a few pleasant words on an elevator ride.
Last edited by JerZ; 12-19-2016 at 08:20 PM..
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