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I don't want children by myself or with anybody else...
My only desire is to have a child with him and to see him as a father. That's all I care about and want.
I'm not in a mad rush, I can wait a few years or something... its just that i want to have some certainty that it WILL happen.
Oh brother. I’m about as sympathetic a voice as you’ll find, but you cannot have a child with a man who doesn’t want one. If you were willing to wait and be patient, why come on here with misery and complaining? Why are you so obsessed with this one guy as a father? There are THOUSANDS of blokes in London, alone, who would make excellent fathers and treat you better.
You’re hitching your hopes on a guy who, by your own telling of it, neither deserves nor wants them.
Reading some of the references to previous threads, is it possible this guy is really just looking for a gravy train till he gets UK permanent resident status (or whatever the equivalent UK term would be)?
Have you considered that the reason he is so enthusiastic about his sister's baby is because she is part of his family? You are just his girlfriend even though you live together. Does he like other people's kids and get excited about them as well or could he be just very excited to be an uncle?
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099
My boyfriends sister has a new baby...
The minute my boyfriend sees his sisters baby...
his whole face lights up. he seems so excited and interested in her baby. They've been chatting on a skype video call for like 2 hours now, I can hear is my boyfriend gushing at the baby. i feel unwanted and unneeded.
I don't know I just feel jealous and resentful. I honestly can't help it. I want to be happy for others esp as its his sister, but I don't have it in me as I just feel like the world is unfair.
My boyfriends sister and her boyfriend had only been together for 1 year before they had a baby. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years. Still, there's no mention of us ever having our first baby... is it even going to happen? I feel like I'm going to be waiting forever.
My boyfriend just expects me to stay on birth control forever. does he just expect our child never to exist in the world? That everyone else can just have as many children as they want, many people who have a lot less to offer a child than me and my boyfriend, many people in worse situations.
My boyfriends always telling me about his sisters baby, he always seems excited when he sees the baby over skype, one time me and my boyfriend were out shopping and we were in the baby section of the store and my boyfriend was looking at the baby stuff, telling me how he was really excited to be able to buy baby stuff for his sisters baby. We were also at a family gathering and his sisters 3 year old step son was at the gathering (the only child there) and it was the first time we'd met him and my boyfriend was playing with him and he mentioned to me how it was really nice to have a child around for a change.
I'm 25 now and me and my boyfriend have already been together for 5 years and living together for 4 years. We are both very sensible and responsible, my mother would love to be a grandma, we both have had lovely stable upbringings ourselves, we both eat very healthy diets, my boyfriend has a professional job which pays $50,000 with benefits, we both have more than enough to offer a child. I guess its just never going to happen, I'm an only child and I've wanted to have a baby brother or sister all my life, that never happened. since i got with my boyfriend, i wanted a baby 5 years on thats never happened and i don't have any hope that it ever will. things just feel impossible. i feel like were the only intentionally childless couple in the world.
for example, his sister was not in an ideal situation to have a child. shes living with my boyfriends parents and her flat is undergoing major renovation works. If it was me and my boyfriend in this situation, then he would never even consider having a child. we'd have to wait until all of the renovations works were complete etc etc. i also used to have a full-time job (i left recently), my boyfriend also had a full-time job even then this was not enough, he still wanted me on birth control, a child was not ever a consideration. maybe its never going to happen. we have more than enough to offer...
we've talked about having children before, but my boyfriend has said things like he wants to wait 10 or 15 years or he thinks 35 would be a good age to have a job (hes 23 right now). i understand that hes still in his early 20's but still are we going to be putting this off forever?
Why is he expecting me to never want children and to just stay on birth control forever (i've already been on it for 5 years and counting)???
I just want our child to exist!
i haven't told my boyfriend how I feel, but with him always insisting im on birth control whats the point...
One thing I learned a LONG time ago is, you can’t change people. He’s told you he doesn’t want kids. You can’t change him. He might change his mind later, but it will come from within himself, not from your carping at him. So you have two choices: wait and see (no guarantees) or find someone now who is more in line with what you want. I haven’t read your other posts (my drama quotient is low) but if a guy thinks its okay to be physically abusive to you, this isn’t a guy you want as the father of your child. And I bet everyone responding on this thread over the age of 30 would agree with me.
Oh brother. I’m about as sympathetic a voice as you’ll find, but you cannot have a child with a man who doesn’t want one. If you were willing to wait and be patient, why come on here with misery and complaining? Why are you so obsessed with this one guy as a father? There are THOUSANDS of blokes in London, alone, who would make excellent fathers and treat you better.
You’re hitching your hopes on a guy who, by your own telling of it, neither deserves nor wants them.
It makes no sense. He is 23, and most men at 23 have no interest in being parents, particularly when they aren’t even married. I have one friend who was a father at 23 and he wasn’t super happy about it (ended up divorced), but at least he was MARRIED before his wife got pregnant. If the OP wants to have kids, she needs to focus on a guy who is likely a bit older and looking to have kids sooner rather than later.
A man in his late 20s is more likely to fit this bill than someone in his early 20s, as this is when men are more likely to be in stable careers and able to live independently in a big city. I have friends who happily own a home in the suburbs, not the city, because the city proper is too expensive. That is just what you have to do in large cities where property is too expensive. The husband commutes to the city for work and the wife works in the suburbs.
Guys, I've woken up this morning feeling quite terrible...
I don't want to be so resentful towards my boyfriend and blame him for the way I'm feeling. Quite honestly, I haven't bothered to ever have a serious sit down chat with him regarding having children and listen to his thoughts and desires. I haven't really given him a proper chance. I've just started to assume all of this stuff on my own as I don't feel ready to ask him and have this conversation - I know that things have been rough for the past year as I've had job troubles and they've caused financial issues for my boyfriend and stress on our relationship. I quite honestly can't handle things being out of control or feeling like I'm being told I can't do something for no speciffic reason.
I've just been remembering all of the lovely things my boyfriends has said about us having children...
I was browsing this international adoption website on my laptop and my boyfriend comes up behind and sees what I'm browsing. He asks about it and seems interested... I tell him what it is and he seems really positive about it. He says he knows that I've always being interested in adopting a child and he asks why I don't involve him more in the stuff that I'm looking at. He tells me that he wants me to share this stuff with him and he wants to be more involved...
Guys, I've woken up this morning feeling quite terrible...
I don't want to be so resentful towards my boyfriend and blame him for the way I'm feeling. Quite honestly, I haven't bothered to ever have a serious sit down chat with him regarding having children and listen to his thoughts and desires. I haven't really given him a proper chance. I've just started to assume all of this stuff on my own as I don't feel ready to ask him and have this conversation - I know that things have been rough for the past year as I've had job troubles and they've caused financial issues for my boyfriend and stress on our relationship. I quite honestly can't handle things being out of control or feeling like I'm being told I can't do something for no speciffic reason.
I've just been remembering all of the lovely things my boyfriends has said about us having children...
I was browsing this international adoption website on my laptop and my boyfriend comes up behind and sees what I'm browsing. He asks about it and seems interested... I tell him what it is and he seems really positive about it. He says he knows that I've always being interested in adopting a child and he asks why I don't involve him more in the stuff that I'm looking at. He tells me that he wants me to share this stuff with him and he wants to be more involved...
You know, I just give up. Everyone has told you what you should do, and you won’t listen. Go ahead and continue to sabotage your whole life. Continue to support this loser, get knocked up, and don’t be surprised when he leaves you for someone with a better job, and no crying babies.
Really, I think this whole thread might be a joke.
I don't want children by myself or with anybody else...
My only desire is to have a child with him and to see him as a father. That's all I care about and want.
I'm not in a mad rush, I can wait a few years or something... its just that i want to have some certainty that it WILL happen.
I suspect you fall into one of two categories:
1.) You had crappy parents, and you're seeking that unconditional love and affection that you were missing in your own childhood. It's not uncommon for women to crave having a child simply so that child will provide that love and affection they were missing. They just want to be loved by someone.
2.) You think by having a child with this man, that you will lock him in as being yours. That he'll always have to be a part of your life because of that child.
I strongly lean toward category 2 because of the post I quoted.
Your thought process for having/wanting children is wrong. I suspect this will fall on deaf ears but OP, you should seek therapy, counseling, life coaching or whatever to help you see you're not in a good place. You're certainly not in a good place to even consider having children.
OMG! That sounds like a fantasy list a middle school child would write for the reasons to have a child. To meet your dog?!?
And, yes, he can keep denying you a family. And, he can make you wait until the end of eternity.
Frankly, I bet that if you accidently got pregnant right now your BF would leave you so fast that he would not even pack his clothes or grab his computer. I bet that he would walk out the door and you, and your baby would never see him again in your life time. And, I bet that he would never give you a dime of child support. He does not love you. IMHO, he has never loved you nor will he ever love you in the future.
I do not mean to hurt you by telling you the truth. But, you really should accept what all of us caring strangers are telling you. Leave him, he does not love you. I bet that he does not even like you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099
well quite frankly those reasons i gave are just extras.
we have the financial and emotional resources to give a child
Hmmm, you conveniently ignored the second part of my post. I have seen a lot of situations in my 66 years on earth. I am the person that many people, relatives, friends, co-workers, come to for advice on relationship issues. I am giving you the same advice that I would give my daughter, niece or best friend.
IMHO, from everything that you have written about him, he does not love you and has probably never loved you. You are a just a woman who he is temporarily sharing a bed and an apartment with, because it is convenient (and regular sex that he does not have to buy).
I really believe that if you showed him a positive pregnancy test right now he would walk out the door so fast that it would make your head spin.
Go to school, get a good job and then start to look for someone who truly loves you and truly wants to spend his life with you. And, after you have a good job/successful career and are married to a man (also with a good job/successful career) who loves you and wants to have a child with you then think about getting pregnant.
And, no, IMHO, you do not have the financial and emotional resources to have a child right now. The very first thing that you should consider is what would happen if the BF is gone, no one helping with the rent and no child support. Your BF could walk out the door or develop cancer or get killed in caraccident. can you support both you and a child on your income? IMHO, until you can do that do not consider having a child.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-29-2018 at 08:48 AM..
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