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Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.
My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.
I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.
I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.
My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.
I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.
I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
Thank You For Reading,
-E
I can't tell who is having sex with who here.
Your mom's friend is having sex with whose husband?
Your mom's friend is having sex with whose husband?
This made me laugh lol anyway. My mother has 2 friends (well she has more than 2 but I mentioned 2 friends of hers in my post). Basically, several nights ago my mom was telling me about how her one friend Vicki got cheated on by her husband and that this has been going on for 5 years. Then, this conversation lead her to tell me that this other friend of hers has sex with her husband every night (by the way they have 2 kids and have been married for like 13 years). She told me this to justify her friend Vicki's husband's actions (the excuse he gave Vicki for cheating on her was that they have not been intimate for 7 years).
Friend who is intimate with her husband every night is another friend that my mom used as an example of what a "healthy" marriage consists of but it really bothered me. She kind of made it seem like it's okay to cheat on your spouse if there is a lack of physical intimacy in your marriage.
Marriage means different things to different people. Some couples feel very sexually attracted to each other and want to have sex every night, especially when they are first together as a couple. This often lasts for a few years and then tapers off. Some couples have a more balanced feeling about their life together and enjoy sporty or artistic or cultural things together as their main "togetherness" thing. As a rule, I would say that sex every night is fairly unusual for a couple.
It's very natural to have a romantic view of marriage and life with a man at your age. When you meet someone who shares a lot of your same interests and is fun to be with, and is someone you want to be with every free minute, you will know that this is the right man for you. The sex part, however much or little, will then come naturally, and it won't seem like a gross thing, because it will be a decision between the two of you. And it will seem really special when that happens.
The husband that is cheating because the wife won't have sex may have an agreement...or may not, but have their own reasons for staying married.
And yes, some couples do have sex every day because it is a 'special' thing they share.
Every couple may not but everybody isn't alike.
I went to the doctor last week.
Because I am 74, the nurse was required to ask probing questions. Among them, "Are you still sexually active? ... If so, how often?"
"Yes" .... Oh, 3 - 4 times a week."
The nurse turned red and could not look at me for the rest of the interview.
I was putting her on, but only because I didn't think it was an appropriate question and was none of her business. That's not why I was there.
My message to you: Someone is putting your mother on.
This made me laugh lol anyway. My mother has 2 friends (well she has more than 2 but I mentioned 2 friends of hers in my post). Basically, several nights ago my mom was telling me about how her one friend Vicki got cheated on by her husband and that this has been going on for 5 years. Then, this conversation lead her to tell me that this other friend of hers has sex with her husband every night (by the way they have 2 kids and have been married for like 13 years). She told me this to justify her friend Vicki's husband's actions (the excuse he gave Vicki for cheating on her was that they have not been intimate for 7 years).
Friend who is intimate with her husband every night is another friend that my mom used as an example of what a "healthy" marriage consists of but it really bothered me. She kind of made it seem like it's okay to cheat on your spouse if there is a lack of physical intimacy in your marriage.
This doesn't make it any clearer because you are talking about 3 different women but using the pronoun "her" as if I'm supposed to magically know which "her" it is. For a minute I thought the friend was sleeping with your mom's husband.
SO anyway... it sounds like you're comparing two marriages, one in which the husband is sleeping with someone besides his wife because he and his wife aren't having sex, and another in which your mom's other friend has sex with her own husband every night.
The first thing to do is recognize that there is a difference between "sex" and "intimacy." They are not interchangeable.
Some people use the word "intimacy" as a substitute for "having sex," but many people don't understand that intimacy is an emotional state. You can't have intimacy without trust. It's a state of closeness where you feel safe to be yourself and to be honest with your partner. In my opinion the best sex is with someone you are emotionally connected to.
But lots of people just have sex without intimacy. Which is fine. Even married couples in love sometimes just have quickies because they want to. Not every single time is a magical fairy tale experience.
The next thing to understand is that you will be surprised as you get older at how much people will tolerate in a relationship.
For a married couple to stop having sex altogether means there is something wrong emotionally. They can't connect, and it's their responsibility to figure out why and fix it.
But it's difficult to be married for decades to the same person. It really is a choice you have to make every day to remain faithful to that person regardless of what or who comes along in life.
Your idea of sex only with one partner for life is the ideal, but as you are figuring out humans are far from ideal, and they often make choices they think will help but that sometimes end up hurting.
It may also help you to know that you never REALLY know what is going on in other people's bedrooms, and many people say things that aren't true.
Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.
My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.
I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.
I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
Thank You For Reading,
-E
Your mom is giving you TMI, and about people you actually know, no less! Not a good choice.
OTOH, limiting sex only to "special occasions" isn't realistic for most couples. Everyone finds their own pace, but daily isn't that unusual. You may see things differently in a couple of years; it could be, that your hormonal changes haven't hit full force yet.
In any case, the important thing is, that you find a good match with regard to frequency of sex, when you're in a relationship. There's no one pre-determined schedule that works for everyone. There's a lot of individual variation. Having frequent sex doesn't mean it's not "special", either. Sex is about bonding.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-07-2019 at 10:39 AM..
Some couples have a more balanced feeling about their life together and enjoy sporty or artistic or cultural things together as their main "togetherness" thing. As a rule, I would say that sex every night is fairly unusual for a couple.
It's very natural to have a romantic view of marriage and life with a man at your age. When you meet someone who shares a lot of your same interests and is fun to be with, and is someone you want to be with every free minute, you will know that this is the right man for you. The sex part, however much or little, will then come naturally, and it won't seem like a gross thing, because it will be a decision between the two of you. And it will seem really special when that happens.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to know, thank you! I agree! And I think enjoying sporty or cultural activities together is way more normal because if an entire marriage revolves around physical intimacy then I feel like that's unhealthy and can lead to major problems. What my mom said just really worried me because it in part made me feel like it's all guys care about. Which would suck.
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