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Old Today, 06:36 AM
 
1,102 posts, read 1,158,586 times
Reputation: 836

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Specifically, about last night. We had our son's 4th birthday party at an indoor playground. Its a small intimate indoor playground where no alcohol is allowed. When we went there, he (hubby) picked up a fight with the owner of the place over a fine print we missed and signed. He repeatedly told me that i am wearing maternity-looking cloths, kept making jokes about my height (because its funny, for him, to say i am short), out of 2 hours, he was outside over 1 hr and 15 mins drinking near the car with a few guests while i was entertaining 15 kids and 15 adults....

He would simply say, I will be right back and be gone. At one point, everyone were waiting to cut the cake, little kids between 2-5 started fidgeting because they are so little and don't want to sit still and he is out there near the car with a 'buddy' drinking...
I went outside and told him rather rudely that the guests are waiting, come back in...didn't wait for his answer and left. I was so pissed by then...

When we were back home, he was constantly saying I am being bitchy, i told him that he was out near the car for longer than he was at the party itself and he kept saying over and over about how unreasonable I am...finally he somehow made it all my fault for being disappointed with him for not being at his own son's party.

I see this pattern a lot lately; he would start off with, 'why are you being so off/ bitchy' and everything that I say after that is somehow wrong and he would get upset.

He has this very bad sense of humour; 100's of times he told me about me being dead and him marrying a 20 year old, when in trains he tells kids, oh i don't see mommy..yay we lost her.
things like that.

we've had issues in the past, major issues that I discussed here 4 years ago. And somehow I fear those issues are going to surface again.
I absolutely cannot leave him; it is just not in my culture and i am really not looking for anyone to tell me to leave him. I couldnt leave him then, I cannot now.
There has to be something that I can do to turn things around....again.

I am feeling so sad today, so sad that i want to just curl up an cry.

Edit: Married (Arranged) for 12 years, 2 kids aged 4 and 7
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Old Today, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Hockey Rulez, Texas
824 posts, read 273,643 times
Reputation: 1301
I am sorry to say, but he sounds like he does not want to be married. Those are not the actions of someone that loves you.

If you do not want to divorce, then you REALLY need marriage counseling. But, you might want to start looking at future options. Nothing you described shows he loves you.

Can you live like this forever?
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Old Today, 06:52 AM
 
5,963 posts, read 6,800,899 times
Reputation: 15386
Never say never. There comes a point. You are there.
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Old Today, 06:56 AM
 
1,102 posts, read 1,158,586 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterShipWreck View Post
I am sorry to say, but he sounds like he does not want to be married. Those are not the actions of someone that loves you.

If you do not want to divorce, then you REALLY need marriage counseling. But, you might want to start looking at future options. Nothing you described shows he loves you.

Can you live like this forever?
He absolutely refused to go for counselling. when we had issues 4 years ago, I ended up going alone for counselling because that seemed to help me; based on advises of some people here in city-data.

He says he is joking when he talks about hurtful things to me, like, why would you want to make a joke about your wife's height with your friends? I could see the friends were very uncomfortable with it...

When I keep telling him that its very hurtful to me, he would then tell me I have no sense of humor.

I am educated and earn close to as much as he is, I work so hard everyday, take care of kids to the best of my ability, with in my BMI (he says I am big)...I honestly do not have the courage for a divorce..

can I live like this? I am not sure I have a choice and if I want to leave.

He is good with kids, provides for us otherwise. He can be loving when he wants to.
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Old Today, 06:59 AM
 
1,102 posts, read 1,158,586 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
Never say never. There comes a point. You are there.
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
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Old Today, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,924 posts, read 42,522,667 times
Reputation: 84818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post

I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
What did your therapist suggest?
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Old Today, 07:22 AM
 
1,102 posts, read 1,158,586 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
What did your therapist suggest?
To focus on self care, self love and prioritise my needs and wants above everyone else's. To just focus on being happy; with or without him.
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Old Today, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,924 posts, read 42,522,667 times
Reputation: 84818
Prioritize your wants and needs above everyone else's?? Is that what s/he actually said?

OK, so you've decided to stay. Here is how you can try to survive in an unhappy marriage:

1) LET GO of ANY expectation that he will change. He won't. Stop hoping.

2) Begin to practice detachment. You are married to someone who is abusive to you, so you have to let him be who he is (an a-hole) without letting it affect you emotionally. To practice detachment, you have to treat him like a kind stranger would. STOP giving advice or trying to change him. Let go of small stuff. DO NOT comment on his behavior. Let him make his own choices.

Remain polite (please and thank you) so the kids grow up seeing that you are being respectful even while in pain. (I have to advise you that setting this example for your children is VERY tricky because you could be modeling poor choices for them. You really don't want them growing up with the kind of guilt YOU feel regarding your parents).

Being detached like this lets you avoid those bickering arguments and gives him LESS AMMO against you.

3) Redefine your own life. You have to stay involved in stuff that you enjoy, that makes you happy, because you won't be getting happiness from being with your "partner." Friendships become important.

Mainly, stop fighting over what you cannot change. Don't try to force him to fill the dad and hubby role. Next time let him miss the birthday cake experience. That's HIS choice.

Last edited by BirdieBelle; Today at 08:05 AM..
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Old Today, 07:32 AM
 
7,591 posts, read 11,692,003 times
Reputation: 8463
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
kids will be devastated
If you think the kids will be devastated, then reads the thread here about how many people think their parents had a terrible relationship and cannot imagine why they stayed together...
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Old Today, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,340 posts, read 46,042,892 times
Reputation: 62188
You already know what you should do, but you won’t do it. Why bother asking?

I hope you keep going to therapy, because so far, it is not working. You have choices. Continuing to be unhappy, tolerating abusive behavior, and settling for less than you deserve are choices. You are using your parents as an excuse. I seriously doubt if your parents want you in an abusive marriage. You think you are trapped, but you are not. There are a lot of women who have gotten free of men who abuse them.

If his bad behavior is due to alcoholism, perhaps there is a chance of salvaging the marriage if he quit, but that would be up to him.
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