Why can't I find a "good guy?" (child, affairs, social)

[BajanYankee]

Originally Posted by SnazzyB

Sometimes I think that maybe there are a lot of people on the autism spectrum, who visit the relationships forum because they're looking for a scientific formula on 'making' a relationship. Like..."If I say this in this tempo, and throw in a joke or two, will person 'A' like me? And if so, how will I know she likes me? I mean, she put her hand on my belly a couple of times, and pressed me up against a building in the dark, but how do I know she wasn't just being friendly?"

They think there's some magic recipe that will cook up a relationship...and it's just not like that. It's not a math formula.

Here's another question.

What percentage of people on the planet do you think decide they will not entertain someone romantically because they fail to satisfy some superficial criterion they have in mind (height, face, weight, career, etc.)? 5%? 50? And for those who refuse to entertain someone romantically because that person fails to meet their superficial criteria, does that make them less mature and morally inferior to people who do not (or proclaim they do not) reject people on the basis of any superficial criteria?

This forum has a strong air of judgment about it. If someone doesn't want to date someone under 7' tall, that doesn't make them any less of a person since that person could be doing substantially more to make the world a better place than any of us. Dating is a CHOICE and if they choose to be with someone because the person wears green shoes every day and that fills their life with joy, then so be it. There's more to people than who they decide to share a bed with.

[CyclingChemist]

Originally Posted by SnazzyB

Sometimes I think that maybe there are a lot of people on the autism spectrum, who visit the relationships forum because they're looking for a scientific formula on 'making' a relationship.

You can read the personality description for ISTJ but as I stated rationality, logic, and practicality are the overreaching theme for everything they do. ISTJ is a very common personality type and they are not autistic. They actually tend to be very successful in many practical fields including STEM, Accounting, Actuarial...


https://personalitygrowth.com/istj-l...falls-in-love/

[SnazzyB]

Originally Posted by CyclingChemist

You can read the personality description for ISTJ but as I stated rationality, logic, and practicality are the overreaching theme for everything they do. ISTJ is a very common personality type and they are not autistic. They actually tend to be very successful in many practical fields including STEM, Accounting, Actuarial...


https://personalitygrowth.com/istj-l...falls-in-love/

I didn't mean to imply that YOU are somewhere on the spectrum CyclingChemist. You might remember that I had said that I thought you sounded like a catch, and you sounded a lot like my husband.

BUT, I do think we get a lot of people...mostly guys, who are looking for some kind of play book, cook book, written out directions on how to catch a female. lol And I actually sympathize. And...I think there ARE aspects that can logically be said. Like if someone is putting there hands on you, touching your leg, running her finger down your arm, moves a piece of hair out of your eyes, etc. than you can bank on the fact that she's interested in you.

[jobaba]

Originally Posted by timberline742

There are practical considerations, but they don't trump love and chemistry. They're in addition to it.


"Person A" can have everything on a check list.

"Person B" can have almost none of it.

If there is zero chemistry / emotional connection with person A, the list is absolutely irrelevant.

If its there with "Person B" then there could be something there. We know with A there is no shot for anything.

If you're talking about commitment/marriage, I think it's case by case.

Some relationships are red-hot attraction with some similarities, others are more like friendships, others are pure trade. Etc.

At some point for a lot of people a 'choice' is made. And that choice hinges on different factors, including possibly some of the ones mentioned here.

In terms of attraction/dating, it depends. I would tend to agree if you are really well socialized at a young age, you probably have no problems.

That said, there's some guys who are pretty darn well socialized and charismatic and it takes them until college.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by SnazzyB

Sometimes I think that maybe there are a lot of people on the autism spectrum, who visit the relationships forum because they're looking for a scientific formula on 'making' a relationship. Like..."If I say this in this tempo, and throw in a joke or two, will person 'A' like me? And if so, how will I know she likes me? I mean, she put her hand on my belly a couple of times, and pressed me up against a building in the dark, but how do I know she wasn't just being friendly?"

They think there's some magic recipe that will cook up a relationship...and it's just not like that. It's not a math formula.

I think you are absolutely correct.

[captaincatfish]

Let me begin by saying there has been an excellent amount of knowledge dropped amid the myriad replies to Coldjensen's OP

But sometimes, you just need to cut right through the bovine scatology and get to the point, which I will place in bold and capital letters below, so no one mistakes my intention...to wit:

AS THE ROCK HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH JACK YOU PULL IN, HOW TALL YOU ARE, WHAT KIND OF CAR YOU DRIVE, HOW BIG YOUR (AHEM) MALE EQUIPMENT IS, HOW MUCH OF A FASHION MODEL YOU LOOK LIKE (THIS APPLIES TO BOTH GENDERS AND CUTS ACROSS SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS AS WELL)...YOU CAN LIVE IN A MANSION IN THE HAMPTONS OR OVERLOOKING THE PACIFIC, OR YOU CAN LIVE IN A SPECIALLY INSULATED REFRIGERATOR BOX ON TOP OF A SEWER GRATE IN NEW YORK CITY

THE POINT IS THIS...IF YOU AIN'T SOMEBODY SOMEONE ELSE WOULD BE ABLE TO SPEND TIME WITH, THEN ALL THAT OTHER STUFF IS SUPERNATURALLY IRRELEVANT...MONEY, CARS, CLOTHES, HEIGHT, AND LOOKS DON'T AMOUNT TO A FLAMING SACK OF RAT POO, IF YOUR PERSONALITY IS THE SAME AS A MATTER-DEVOURING BLACK HOLE SWIRLING IN THE VOID BETWEEN JUPITER AND SATURN...HOW ABOUT LEARNING TO ENGAGE IN CONVO THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE PHYSICAL AND MATERIAL STUFF, AND ACTUALLY TRYING TO FREAKIN' GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY? WHAT A CONCEPT, RIGHT? END OF CAPITALIZED BOLDED RANT...

Dude, I am 66 years old as of my last birthday, I'm ex-military, stand 5'8" and weigh about 240-250 lbs...I have stared prostate cancer in the face and told it to get to steppin'...as such, I have little to no patience with some of the junk people try to pull...none whatsoever...but I've been with my wonderful, long-legged, double college-degreed queen for almost 20 years, dating and married...

And how did I 'snag' her, you ask? By practicing what I preach, and by being someone somebody else would want to be around 24/7/365...I have a high school diploma/education...and she makes MUCH more than I do, hands down...but that money stuff is immaterial, because unless you dig a grave the size of, say, Nevada, you absolutely cannot take any of it with you...I have sat at parties when my wife was working in academia, talking to tenured professors and a few higher-ups

And ya know what we talked about? If Harmon Killebrew was as good a slugger in his day as Reggie Jackson was in his...whether Tom Brady could win 7 championships in 10 years the way Otto Graham did...how many shots did Chuck Connors fire in the intro of each episode of The Rifleman (hint---it was 12 )...hell, I once won a bet at one of these parties by reciting, from memory, the list of World Series winners from 1950 to the present...it was ALL about being someone other someones wanted to be in the company of...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the forest nobody can seem to see for the trees

[jobaba]

Originally Posted by captaincatfish

And ya know what we talked about? If Harmon Killebrew was as good a slugger in his day as Reggie Jackson was in his...whether Tom Brady could win 7 championships in 10 years the way Otto Graham did...how many shots did Chuck Connors fire in the intro of each episode of The Rifleman (hint---it was 12 )...hell, I once won a bet at one of these parties by reciting, from memory, the list of World Series winners from 1950 to the present...it was ALL about being someone other someones wanted to be in the company of...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the forest nobody can seem to see for the trees

If sports knowledge was the key to getting women, then ... I'd have been Johnny Depp...

[captaincatfish]

Originally Posted by jobaba

If sports knowledge was the key to getting women, then ... I'd have been Johnny Depp...

LOL...I see ya Jobaba

[ChrisTopher800]

I do think some of these guys are being way too mechanical and taking feelings out of it.

But there are some mechanical/mathematical things that happen to get people into a relationship alot of times

Most times people in relationships are so evenly matched looks wise that they could pass for being related to one another. That’s not a coincidence

Most people are also of similar values sense of humor etc

[SnazzyB]

Originally Posted by BajanYankee

Here's another question.

What percentage of people on the planet do you think decide they will not entertain someone romantically because they fail to satisfy some superficial criterion they have in mind (height, face, weight, career, etc.)? 5%? 50? And for those who refuse to entertain someone romantically because that person fails to meet their superficial criteria, does that make them less mature and morally inferior to people who do not (or proclaim they do not) reject people on the basis of any superficial criteria?

This forum has a strong air of judgment about it. If someone doesn't want to date someone under 7' tall, that doesn't make them any less of a person since that person could be doing substantially more to make the world a better place than any of us. Dating is a CHOICE and if they choose to be with someone because the person wears green shoes every day and that fills their life with joy, then so be it. There's more to people than who they decide to share a bed with.

Well...yeah, you're not wrong. But THOSE people aren't obsessing about finding the right guy, or crying because they're not tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough or rich enough either.