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FBut secondly, this is a movie and we both know this is not the first scene. You plucked it out of some sort of context. How I know, although I haven't seen the movie, is that when he said, "lightening could strike" her expression made it FLAGRANTLY obvious that this was a callback to some other thing. He had found some kind of way in which that sentence was meaningful to her, however he had to snoop to find it out, and he threw it out there knowing it would reach her. And because it's a movie, she took it as coincidence but it pinged her "points of commonality" button as stuff does with us women... But they were also talking about a possible provider/patient relationship and so this was perhaps not their first ever conversation.
For starters, everything you said above about the movie is wrong lol. The "lightning could strike" line was something her father (played by Anthony Hopkins) had said to her earlier, so she was taken aback by the coincidence. And no, this was their first meeting, they had no prior interaction. And whether it comes from a movie or not is irrelevant since it was only an example. People meet and fall in love with complete strangers all the time, whether it be through cold approaches or through dating apps. Clearly, that's not your thing, but a lot of people are open to the advances of a stranger who's both attractive and respectful.
I just feel like, we are one of the most naturally social species on the planet. It's fine to be "an introvert" in the sense that you aren't a party animal or a social butterfly all the time and it is tiring when you do too much, but to the extent where you don't leave your house much and don't know how to talk to other people...that is not what we are evolved to be or do.
So in a sense, yeah, I do think that women can and should go ahead and initiate things, but mostly what I mean by that is HAVE SOME AGENCY in your dating. Make deliberate and mindful choices, don't just go along with what some dude wants. A lot of women I've known either just sorta hang back waiting for a man to sweep her off her feet or let men push us into things. We need to take a good, empowering kind of responsibility for our love lives.
Does that mean cruising up to strangers and asking them out? I mean...that sounds weird to me. I'm pretty experienced and I've certainly been willing to be the one to make a move or nudge things forward, but I'm not just "approaching" randoms at bars or in produce sections. I go to social places. I don't put targets on specific, attractive individuals, I just talk to whoever seems friendly and wants to talk. There is no dating intention there at first. I'm just interacting with people, having a nice time. Being FRIENDLY. If something starts to feel sparky, I might pull in some flirtation, and maybe at some point it progresses somewhere, but by the time it does we don't really feel like strangers anymore. We've focused on talking to one another and deepening our knowledge of each other for at least a few hours.
Hell, even on dating apps I was pretty much like that. If I got a message, I would check the profile. Dude might be an instant "nope, why the heck would you talk to me?" based on us just being from different worlds, nothing in common, like he says he wants someone who is my polar opposite and it makes no sense. In those cases, if the message was more than "sup" I'd reply politely and tell him I did not think we were a match and wish him luck. Otherwise, we'd chat. In a friendly way. To see if there was any point proceeding any further. If things were still going well, we might meet for coffee or lunch or something.
So the whole "approach" and "shoot your shot" thing is just... It seems weird and unnatural, and it reeks of "I hate people and don't want to talk to them unless in pursuit of a very specific agenda." And I'm not that person, and don't think I'd want to date that person.
But in social situations, just talking to people, I can pretty much always tell when a man is attracted to me enough to at least start something. Whether he is a man of quality deeper down or there is any long term potential, that's a different story. Won't know till I try, no risk, no reward. Best bet is to proceed somewhat slowly...at least, slower than the speed of hormones.
Great post!
Over and over again, guys (usually) come on here, and like you said, they're shy, anxious, don't have friends, social skills, don't get out of the house much, don't participate in social activities around other people. IMO, the big issue is they also lack the willingness to overcome or change any of those things. The world is not going to adapt to that.
You won't have effective social interactions if you don't know how or don't care to learn how to be social. People aren't going to be attracted to or interested in the guy who is afraid of his own shadow. If basic social interactions make you fearful, you need professional help to overcome that. Shy is cute and acceptable for a 4 year old, not for a 24 year old.
Guys need to understand that average to pretty women, really don't go walking through life with men chasing up to us trying to hand us bouquets. The "attention" we get in public just as we go about our lives, are construction workers grabbing and shaking their crotches and yelling at us. Starting around when we're 12.
You should speak for yourself on that one. Attractive women get all kinds of men approaching them for better or worse. Of course, they are going to get more unwanted attention from the "wrong" guys than wanted attention from the "right" guys because that's just the nature of the beast, but to say that the only attention attractive women receive is from construction workers is in no way grounded in reality. Unless your idea of being approached is limited to walking down a sidewalk, and even then attractive women will be approached by their fair share of decent men.
Last edited by BajanYankee; 10-06-2022 at 11:57 AM..
This really has nothing to do with the OP. The matchmaker in the video is talking about women going after men they are interested in. You're trying to change/broaden the scope of the discussion by suggesting that women should approach men they're not interested in. That's not what's being discussed here.
It's honestly silly to suggest that women should APPROACH men who aren't even on their radar. It's one thing to say that a woman should "give guy a chance," but you're taking it a step further and saying that women should initiate with men they don't even initially find attractive. Nobody would even suggest that a man should approach women they don't find attractive.
ok you win, I give up, this is my last post on this thread...although, tbh, I think you (perhaps intentionally?) took my words out of context (re-read the second paragraph of the post you quoted and it is *clearly* evident that I conveyed that women should not have to approach, date, or be in a relationship with a man they are not attracted to...? )
And some people wear poker faces. If you could tell everything from body language and everybody's body language was the same, we would hardly need spoken language!
There are drastic cultural and individual differences on things as simple as personal space. What might seem "intimate" to one is normal to another. What might seem normal to one is way too "intimate" for another.
Well, that's pretty much why I said "Just ask". No one's going to die by asking. I like to think I'm pretty good at body language, signals, etc., but I've been wrong before. There's no shame in it.
ok you win, I give up, this is my last post on this thread...although, tbh, I think you (perhaps intentionally?) took my words out of context (re-read the second paragraph of the post you quoted and it is *clearly* evident that I conveyed that women should not have to approach, date, or be in a relationship with a man they are not attracted to...? )
ok I'm out...
To be fair, you said certain "men would *love* to be approached by women," so I perhaps took it too far saying you believe women *should* be approaching these kinds of men. I also understand that you're sticking up for men who are already sort of downtrodden when it comes to romance.
For starters, everything you said above about the movie is wrong lol. The "lightning could strike" line was something her father (played by Anthony Hopkins) had said to her earlier, so she was taken aback by the coincidence. And no, this was their first meeting, they had no prior interaction. And whether it comes from a movie or not is irrelevant since it was only an example. People meet and fall in love with complete strangers all the time, whether it be through cold approaches or through dating apps. Clearly, that's not your thing, but a lot of people are open to the advances of a stranger who's both attractive and respectful.
Do you "cold approach" people? How does it work for you? How many couples do you personally know who started off this way? Not in movies or TV, but in life, real people, not scripts?
Hell, sound off City Data! How many of you are in relationships that began with a stranger "cold approaching" you? How many of you have been in such a relationship before? Was it good? How many of you respond positively to this? How many of you have experienced this being a thing that works? And was it in recent times or the previous millenium? Please, o my friends and countrymen & women, share your own experiences!
I've never had it work out. The vast majority of it was gross, sketchy and/or very unwanted. I've never had a lasting relationship, or even a short or casual fling, result from a stranger just "shooting a shot." Yet...as I've said...I have had no shortage of sex, love, and romance in my life experience. But if I found myself single again, I would definitely not expect that one day a random person would approach me at Petco, nor that I'd spot some man who by miraculous coincidence is single and a good match for my life, and go toss some kind of shmooze his way. I would instead consider my options from among social groups I'm already a part of. No shortage of options there!
And thinking on the decent and good men I know, who are many, I cannot imagine them just "cold approaching" women in settings where it doesn't make sense, nor expecting that they'll get sex, let alone a girlfriend, let alone a wife, just from a couple minutes of smiles and cheesy lines.
No, that tends to be the strategy of the struggling and lonely dudes, or it's what they imagine should work, because they saw it in movies and TV shows and maybe heard an anecdote or two from their parents or grandparents, or worse, read a book or watched Youtube videos about "game"... and then they assume that the reason it does not work for them in modern contexts is because women are too picky. Not because it comes off as weird.
It comes off as weird.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BajanYankee
You should speak for yourself on that one. Attractive women get all kinds of men approaching them for better or worse. Of course, they are going to get more unwanted attention from the "wrong" guys than wanted attention from the "right" guys because that's just the nature of the beast, but to say that the only attention attractive women receive is from construction workers is in no way grounded in reality. Unless your idea of being approached is limited to walking down a sidewalk, and even then attractive women will be approached by their fair share of decent men.
I admit that at 43 years old, I am more objectively "average" than gorgeous, though I clean up pretty good if I try. Given the interest I've had from plenty of great men in my life...men I know socially, not random strangers...I certainly have to assume I am no dog. But my 18-to-early-20s self? Yeah, she was hot. I have photos to prove it. It's fact. I did not think of myself as being all that amazing at the time because the people around me were not great and I was poor and struggling, and so "quality" men weren't hitting on me because I was in exactly zero social spaces where they were.
But I have lived in 6 states, almost always in or near major cities, I've spent time walking, sitting, drinking coffee, working, riding transit, shopping...living life...in all of them. I've been on a pool league and gone to loads of concerts (so, bars.) I CAN recall one youngish man "shooting his shot" when I was working at a gas station in my younger days. He was a frat kid from the college across the street and he would come in OFTEN. At first I was gracious and polite in saying no to him. I was married with a baby at home. I was not interested. He persisted. And persisted. And would not stop. I eventually started hiding from him in the back room when he showed up. Eventually had him banned from the store.
Was he "a decent man?" I say no, because although he was objectively not a bad looking guy, he did not respect my no. That's not decent. It's the opposite of decent.
How are we defining "cold approach"? Is "cold approach" some stranger walking up to me and asking me on a date? That's never happened to me before.
However, I've met guys in bars who chatted me up, spent some time talking and flirting with me, and then before the night is over, asking me out. And I think something like that happens often enough.
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