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Whats so great about friends with benefits as opposed to a real relationship? Anybody care to answer?
FWB is just sex without the commitment. When one is not in the mood to commit but in THE mood, these friends come in handy. Relationships take work and commitment and not everyone is ready for it. My fwb relationships tied me over until I was ready to look for a commitment. It worked out well for me and them.
Last November one of my female friends and I moved to being a bit more than friends. We kept it casual, since we didn't want drama and she had broken up a long-term relationship a few months earlier. We saw each other every week or so one-on-one where we hung around, goofed off, and had sex. Sometimes we would get pretty emotional and intimate, but I thought it was all "pillow talk" I never really thought I was attached to her.
This week she called and said she found some guy she likes who wants a long-term relationship and we needed to stop doing what we were doing. I said okay, and didn't make a big deal out of it on the phone, even though I was stammering a bit.
I knew this could happen and never thought it was going to be a big deal, but I didn't see this coming and I'm actually kind of hurt. I've been thinking about it for days now. I feel like I've been pushed off in a flippant manner, like nothing we did mattered to her. I also kind of feel like a wuss for just folding so easily. I guess I liked her more than I thought.
How can I let go of ill feelings? I want to stay friends, and I've talked to her since, but things are kind of awkward. I already made up an excuse to avoid one get-together with all the friends because I don't want to see the other guy; I probably can't avoid another.
Thanks for reading.
Do you really want to be "friends?"
It doesn't sound like you do. I can't blame you, either.
FWB arrangements aren't "normal", and you can't expect to go from friends, to FWB, back to friends. Not sayin it's impossible.. just improbable
Time, darlin', time. No need to put on appearances. If you can't handle being around her with her new guy, there is nothing wrong with just avoiding it. Tell her. Remember, you were friends before there were benefits.
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Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948
relationships with women need to go somewhere.
women do not stay beautiful and attractive.
we must play our cards well.
its not free sex, it was never free ever.
I've said it before, I love that Deepak Choprah Winfrey thing you have going on!
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Originally Posted by temptation001
OK?
Whats so great about friends with benefits as opposed to a real relationship? Anybody care to answer?
It's not for everyone. We can only speak to our own experiences. I've had a couple and they were great. When you can handle it, it can be a really wonderful relationship. I'm talking about a friend you've had for a while, not the hook up from the bar that you only call for sex once a week. That's not really my bag.
People say they want to marry their best friend all the time, but having sex with him/her is taboo. Ohhh, that's right. People stop having sex when they get married.
I agree with posters who say that FWB can be just what the doctor ordered under the right circumstances. However, the mistake most people make is assume that FWB is a kind of relationship that has no complications. It isn't. Even with the best of intentions, FWB carries at least two major pitfalls that I can think of.
The first and by far the most treacherous pitfall is wounded ego. Let's be frank here: even when people say they aren't "into" serious relationships, they still like to think of themselves as desirable SO or spouse material. Everyone likes to be in control -- of their own feelings as well as other people's. This is the darker side of human nature: social conditioning aside, we would like nothing better than to be adored and fawned over, and yet not love in return, to take and not to give, to have our lovers desire more than what we give them and have them give us more than we desire. And so an FWB relationship can feel very satisfactory until the moment when one of the partners ends it in order to have a more serious, intimate relationship with somebody else -- which to the other person, feels like a slap in the face. People involved in FWB relationships often assume that the other party doesn't want a serious relationship, while the truth is often that the other party doesn't want a serious relationship with them. What it says to someone like Barrister is something along these lines: "You were fun to hang out with and f- for a while, but you aren't good enough to be my boyfriend. And now I met someone who is." And so, Barrister, based on what you've told us, I don't think that you have "feelings" for this woman, to say nothing of love. In the words of Marsellus Wallace, it's just your pride effin' with ya. I therefore don't think you should follow the advice of those who have suggested you should tell the woman "how you feel" -- because those feelings are deceptive and aren't what they seem. DON'T confuse ego with love, as many do -- that's one of the ways people end up in dead-end relationships and miserable marriages.
And it gets worse (but only a little, I promise). Time can cure unrequited love -- but it can never cure wounded ego. When you see this woman break up with her boyfriend, you'll feel vindicated instead of empathetic. When you see her get engaged, get married, have children, you'll feel stung all over again every time. It can poison your life. So what I suggest is, two things. One, start seeing someone else. Two, distance yourself from your former FWB gradually. Don't just cut her off, because that will reveal your hurt. Do it little by little.
The second FWB pitfall is related to the first - and it's failure to allow the other person what you allow yourself. A lot of people involved in FWB relationships don't want to commit themselves, but feel very hurt if they find out that their FWB's are seeing other people, to say nothing of feeling anything for other people. If you ever think about getting involved in such an arrangement again, imagine the woman casually mentioning to you: "Just so you know, I have another lover, that I see on a more regular basis. And I have a boyfriend back home. We are in love." Judge your own reaction honestly, and it will tell you all you need to know about your ability to handle such a relationship. If a statement like that would hurt your feelings, then perhaps the whole FWB thing is just not for you.
All these folks bashing FWB are wrong. FWB can be fulfilling to both parties involved. May not work for everyone (especially prudes) but it does for lots and lots of people.
Yes, Barrister85, you let your feelings get ahead of things. But you're obviously not devastated and you surely had lots of good times to look back upon. And, sorry, you probably can't go back to the way things were before you became boink buddies. It just doesn't work that way for most folks.
Yeah, your feelings got hurt, but that's life. If you're like most FWB folks, that hurt is worth the pleasure and fun you had with her, and I suspect you would do it all over again if you could. Wish her well in her new thing and move on.
How fulfilling can being nothing more a human sex toy be? To have no value to a person except as an instrument for sexual gratification. When you think about FWB is just another form of prostitution.
How fulfilling can being nothing more a human sex toy be? To have no value to a person except as an instrument for sexual gratification. When you think about FWB is just another form of prostitution.
Actually, no and no. Prostitution is an act of exchanging sex for money or things of monetary value. An act of sexual gratification alone isn't "prostitution". (Interesting question: Is masturbation tantamount to "prostitution" in your book, too?) Also, FWB's can and do have affection, friendship and emotional bonds. The emotional component of sex isn't just "all-consuming love or nothing". There is a spectrum there.
If you wish to pursue a relationship with her, then tell her how you feel. The only risk is she kindly tells you thanks but no. Like pp's have said, you'll then know the answer and be free to either move on or enjoy being "with" her.
Also, FWB's can and do have affection, friendship and emotional bonds. The emotional component of sex isn't just "all-consuming love or nothing". There is a spectrum there.
Bingo! This is exactly right. Clearly, for some people sex is equated with deep emotions/love...or it's not. That is, there seems to be a dichotomy for some people and they cannot understand how -- or refuse to accept that -- two people could have sex and not be in love or (OTOH) have no feelings for one another whatsoever.
People who like each other -- but don't necessarily love each other -- can have sex just for the fun of it. It can be a win-win for both parties, which is, of course, why lots of people do it.
Those who see a black-and-white world need to shift your vision. Shades of grey, folks. Shades of grey....
I agree with this. That is what FWB and F buddies is to me, just another form of prostitution.
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Originally Posted by CESpeed
How fulfilling can being nothing more a human sex toy be? To have no value to a person except as an instrument for sexual gratification. When you think about FWB is just another form of prostitution.
Are those people you speak of jungle dwelling animals or primates??
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Originally Posted by professorsenator
- two people could have sex and not be in love or (OTOH) have no feelings for one another whatsoever.
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