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I disagree. In many (most) households (especially if there are kids) the woman is doing 90 percent of the household chores. The fact that she has less time and energy for sex isn't even the problem here...it's that if a woman feels like a miad she will RESENT sex, not appreciate it.
I wouldn't say resent sex at all. But, I in fact to the majority of the cleaning of the house, work full time, pay the bills, take care of the kids, doctor's appts etc. Basically EVERYTHING. My DH honestly has no idea how much I do.
I get really frustrated because he does next to nothing but go to work and come home. I have expressed this and he still looks at me like I am a bit insane. So I started making a list of everything I do, and it shocked him a lot. Many men don't realize the little things their wives do that are time consuming and stressful.
So when DH gets home, or on a weekend he is 'in the mood', there are times that I feel like saying '**** off' because I am very angry at his lack of effort to our family. So weeks when he puts in that extra effort, I am definitely more 'in the mood'.
That said, DH an I have made a weekly appt for sex (silly I know) but it works. Sometimes a couple more times get thrown in, but this helps us make sure we have our time.
the whole "do more work around the house and youll get more sex nonsense "is garbage
one has nothing to do with eachother
im all for being faithful but before you marry someone you should know what their sex drive is like, what theyre into etc and make sure you can satisfy their needs because if you dont nobody else can and thats not fair to your mate
I agree. I am a neat freak. Mess and disorder bug me, so more often than not, I do the housework. Hasn't made a difference in her sex drive.
I disagree. In many (most) households (especially if there are kids) the woman is doing 90 percent of the household chores. The fact that she has less time and energy for sex isn't even the problem here...it's that if a woman feels like a miad she will RESENT sex, not appreciate it.
Hi vicket,
Men on average put more hours at work. That has always been my observation as well. It tends to break even as women do more housework.
I was married for decades to a man who couldn't care less about sex. I was married for so long I thought ALL men were like that. My H cared about TV, drawing, video games, and the computer. He spent more time with the dogs than me. It's not that he was mean, angry, or obnoxious. He was just....nothing. I can't even say he was intentionally unkind. I was more or less a piece of furniture sitting around the house. For years I begged for attention from him. Any reaction was better than nothing. I even begged for sex. I tried everything under the sun. I always assumed there was something wrong with me. I blamed myself for all of this. One day I woke up and realized I wasn't the one with the problem.
Finally I gave him an ultimatum. Do whatever needs to be done to fix yourself. If you don't, you won't have me around anymore. He either couldn't or wouldn't change. At the time, we had excellent insurance that would have paid for any medical help/counseling etc that he needed. He did...nothing. Just went on as if nothing was wrong.
So now I am with someone else. A real man. Things are completely different now and I'm just beginning to figure out how screwed up it was that I allowed the H to treat me like that for all those years. The difference is day and night.
Here's the point. It's not women or men in general. It's our specific poor choice of partners.
I wouldn't say resent sex at all. But, I in fact to the majority of the cleaning of the house, work full time, pay the bills, take care of the kids, doctor's appts etc. Basically EVERYTHING. My DH honestly has no idea how much I do.
I get really frustrated because he does next to nothing but go to work and come home. I have expressed this and he still looks at me like I am a bit insane. So I started making a list of everything I do, and it shocked him a lot. Many men don't realize the little things their wives do that are time consuming and stressful.
So when DH gets home, or on a weekend he is 'in the mood', there are times that I feel like saying '**** off' because I am very angry at his lack of effort to our family. So weeks when he puts in that extra effort, I am definitely more 'in the mood'.
That said, DH an I have made a weekly appt for sex (silly I know) but it works. Sometimes a couple more times get thrown in, but this helps us make sure we have our time
veuvegirl...I'd rather stay home doing house chores all day than going out in real world dealing daily with job stress and A-*&@#$% co-workers...im problem going to get alot flack for saying this...my wife was complaining the other day that she had to wash a ton of clothes...and Im thinking to myself...what are you talking about...you didn't wash the clothes...the Kenmore washer did!!!...It wasn't like in my mother's time where she lived in a farm and had to wash clothes by hand...Believe me I would switch places with my wife anyday...and you know what... at the end of the day..I would still give her sex when she came home from work...
BTW...I hope all you wives out there had a nice Xmass..and I hope you gave your husbands the gift he was really looking for....
Last edited by tonyandclaire89; 12-26-2009 at 07:11 AM..
You know veuvegirl...I'd rather stay home doing house chores all day than going out in real world dealing daily with job stress and A-*&@#$% co-workers...im problem going to get alot flack for saying this...my wife was complaining the other day that she had to wash a ton of clothes...and Im thinking to myself...what are you talking about...you didn't wash the clothes...the Kenmore washer did!!!...It wasn't like in my mother's time where she lived in a farm and had to wash clothes by hand...Believe me I would switch places with my wife anyday...and you know what... at the end of the day..I would still give her sex when she came home from work...
BTW...I hope all you wives out there had a nice Xmass..and I hope you gave your husbands the gift he was really looking for....
Obviously you have never been a SAHD. I've been a career woman for decades (and I mean 6 figures) til I got pg with our 1st child. 3 kids later, I can honestly say, that the HARDEST job I have ever had, was staying at home with 3 small kids, and tending to their every last need. Plus maintaining the house, the hubby, the yard, the pets.....whatever.
You think your boss is tough on you? You have issues with your coworkers? Try having non adult conversation all day (ok, really no conversation - just screaming, crying, whining), and then your SO comes home, and doesn't want to engage in any conversation, b/c he's been talking to adults all day, and now wants to veg in front of the tv, and ignores you, the kids that are screaming, the dishes that still haven't been done b/c you've been cleaning up spills/poop/puke and dog tracks....
And then the kicker is...he comes into bed and wants to have sex. Sure, I can "put out"....but do I feel like it? No.......I am exhausted, mentally depleted, feel unappreciated...you name it. I can't wait til next yr, when the kids are all in school, and I can start working again. No day in the office was ever as hard as a day home with the kids. Nor as rewarding either, I should say. But yrs of this is not helpful to your marriage, nor sex life.
Wow, dgfurman you are right on the money when talking about how it was when my kids were little!
I'm now in my 50s and would like to address the original posting. There's been alot of anger expressed on this topic, but I think it truly results from the premise of a misunderstanding. Sure there are women who purposely withhold sex - maybe their needs in other areas aren't getting met or they don't find their husbands attractive any longer or their angry at their husbands for something, etc. But I think most women in my age group have lost their desire for sex due to hormonal reasons. I can only think of 1 woman out of any of my friends (and believe me, this is a topic of conversation) who is still interested in sex.
I started having hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, insomnia, forgetfulness, etc over 10 years ago. My night sweats got so bad that I began to time them and I was having one EVERY 35 MINUTES from 11 pm to 5 am. Most men can't understand what that's like. I was awakened from my sleep EVERY 35 MINUTES, EVERY NIGHT, FOR YEARS, completely drenched in sweat, so hot from the inside out that I had a fan blowing on me all night, summer and winter. Imagine not getting a good nights sleep for years, but still being expected to perform at work and home as though nothing has changed.
In any case, I don't want this to be about the misery of menapause, just informative. When my menapause began my sex drive slowly began to disappear, my clitoris shrank, my vagina dried up, my nipples became sore, etc. My husband and I had always had a great sex life, but sex became uncomfortable, I couldn't reach orgasm, I no longer enjoyed his touch, but at the same time nothing had changed for him, so I tried to pretend to be interested. I went to doctors and tried testosterone, but that didn't make any difference because my testosterone wasn't low and that isn't always the cause of low libido in women. My mother died from breast cancer so I wasn't a candidate for hormone replacement therapy. So, I just kept pretending to be interested. Finally, I just couldn't keep pretending and had a conversation with my husband about how things really were. But I love my husband and couldn't imagine having him go without sex. We used to both enjoy it so much that just because I didn't feel the same way I still wanted him to enjoy it. So now we don't have sex as often as we used to or as often as he'd like, and we have sex in the morning rather than at night, and usually it's all one sided (by my choice not his - he's always been a very generous, attentive lover) and it doesn't last as long as he'd probably like.
My husband tries to make me happy in many ways, so since I know this is a way to make him happy I don't have a problem with it. Now, don't get me wrong.....If I'm not happy with him I'm not having sex with him. I can't imagine touching or being touched by someone I don't enjoy being with. Happy is as happy gets!
So, for those of you who are complaining you're not getting any sex have you tried to have a calm conversation with your partner and tried to reach a compromise. Good sex starts with a conversation....
veuvegirl...I'd rather stay home doing house chores all day than going out in real world dealing daily with job stress and A-*&@#$% co-workers...im problem going to get alot flack for saying this...my wife was complaining the other day that she had to wash a ton of clothes...and Im thinking to myself...what are you talking about...you didn't wash the clothes...the Kenmore washer did!!!...It wasn't like in my mother's time where she lived in a farm and had to wash clothes by hand...Believe me I would switch places with my wife anyday...and you know what... at the end of the day..I would still give her sex when she came home from work...
BTW...I hope all you wives out there had a nice Xmass..and I hope you gave your husbands the gift he was really looking for....
Yup, as you can see you are getting flack. It is very different to be a SAHM or SAHD than go to work. You think you have to deal with **** bosses and crappy coworkers? Have you ever had a 2 and a 4 year old as your boss?
Try waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming 2 year old having night terrors. Daddy cannot comfort the child, because Daddy works--oh wait only 50 + hours a week. Mom? 24/7. Try having a 4 year old scream at you in the middle of the store what a horrible mother you are for not giving them what they want.
As a SAHM or SAHD you control nothing, the kids do. Yes, you set boundaries, discipline etc, but that only goes so far. You as the primary care giver are on 24/7 no time off. Until you do it, you will never understand a high stress level.
I work full-time admire women who can be SAHM because that is THE hardest job there is hands down.
I am sure you will find cases where someone is not pulling as much weight.
That's correct gwynedd1. Men most of the time put in more hours at work so that their families can survive and get nagged by their wives for coming home late.
So men work more hours and are paid more for it and a nice percentage of the time, men occupying mostly the more dangerous and hazardous jobs.
Yup, as you can see you are getting flack. It is very different to be a SAHM or SAHD than go to work. You think you have to deal with **** bosses and crappy coworkers? Have you ever had a 2 and a 4 year old as your boss?
Try waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming 2 year old having night terrors. Daddy cannot comfort the child, because Daddy works--oh wait only 50 + hours a week. Mom? 24/7. Try having a 4 year old scream at you in the middle of the store what a horrible mother you are for not giving them what they want.
As a SAHM or SAHD you control nothing, the kids do. Yes, you set boundaries, discipline etc, but that only goes so far. You as the primary care giver are on 24/7 no time off. Until you do it, you will never understand a high stress level.
I work full-time admire women who can be SAHM because that is THE hardest job there is hands down.
Hi veuvegirl,
I would still rather stay home. I would make a perfect wife really since I do most of the cooking from scratch anyway. I still grow a garden, forage, can, dry and do home repairs with a full time job as well as help with our toddler. I have a 2 year old who is much harder on my wife because she and most other people let them get away with too much. My wife or mother in law failed to get him to nap without bawling. I had him broken in in a week. However I apply behavioral and child psychology so for me its easier. When I had watched "The Nanny" as few times my reaction was, "duh". That 4 year old screaming is usually the result of poor reinforcement and bad parenting. Though I will give high points for my wife who had him potty trained at 18 months. Its because she knew better as well.
Still I don't begrudge stay at home moms, or fathers for that matter. Its a vital function and certainly a lot of work. However don't be surprised if some men would prefer it. I don't need to socialize nearly as much as most women. I can have more fulfillment doing something creative rather than making a living. I don't care about my "status" as women do. I have never met a child that frightened me. So I would certainly prefer it, but I doubt most women would like stay at home husbands. In my case, I have the earning power so that is the way it goes. It turns out my job is 24/7.
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