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It's so unfortunate when adult children/relatives-caregivers are pushed to such a limit where the ultimately give up and just say if their elder dies -- well they die. But NO.......I'm NOT cleaning their house out one more time....I'm NOT going to move to where they are...I'm NOT going to take the insults and guilt tips any more...I'm NOT going to call yet another home assistant only to have them chased off....I'm NOT going to leave work yet again only to find out it was NOT an emergency....I'm NOT keeping mom/dad in MY home so they can yell at and abuse MY kids....and show absolutely NO appreciation for what we're doing.
Good insights!
I doubt that the above is the norm. I would imagine that most elderly are cooperative and respectful of their adult children. As I said, I'd never abandon an elder and have not done so, though I was feeling somewhat sorry to move back here to help out under the impossible circumstances. I only had one of 3 siblings willing and able to help. The others used distance as their excuse, though they could well afford to chip in. It would have taken so much less of a toll if there was cooperation and respect. An occasional tantrum okay; it's tough to be old and start to lose everything. I get that.
This is the scenario; here I sit on the edge of retirement (days to months) and the plan has always been to relocate. However, concerns about care for the aged parents of my wife are starting to impinge on the plans. I freely admit that these people need a certain level of help which is sometimes difficult because they have always been as independent as hogs on ice though they are more than willing to accept anything you give them and the mother-in-law in particular is very adept at throwing the guilt trip if she doesn't think she is getting her due, they just won't do one damn thing anyone tells them. So very rapidly commuting distance to their house so they can be assisted is becoming a governing factor on what we do. I am very concerned about my wife becoming the servant, or at least one of two servants because her sister is doing a commendable job in assisting but rapidly reaching the end of her rope. My wife is spending a couple weeks at a stretch with them now with increasing frequency. The Mother-in-Laws stated position is that she sees no reason to use home help (she runs off everyone we've tried) when her two daughters can come and live in and take care of anything than they need. Their son lives across the country and shows up occasionally but is typically not a whole lot of help. I have been probably too ready to help them financially in the past when they were in a bind. Being support to the in-law parents has certainly not been my retirement vision. My marriage is decades old and a good one, never expected or received a whole lot from my wife's parents and I am entirely happy with that. To be honest, I'm really, really tempted to relocate far enough away from that commuting to help is a real pain in the backside and then become as obstructive as possible. I really hate the automatic assumption that we're going to do this just because that's what they want. Hope someone has a silver bullet solution but I realize there isn't one, this is more a rant than anything.
Never could understand older folks that refused to let anyone else but family into their house to assist.
If I were you, I would just take off. Things will work themselves out. But be sure to have your own care established for your golden years. Don't do what these two are doing.
To be honest, I'm really, really tempted to relocate far enough away from that commuting to help is a real pain in the backside and then become as obstructive as possible. I really hate the automatic assumption that we're going to do this just because that's what they want. Hope someone has a silver bullet solution but I realize there isn't one, this is more a rant than anything.
You have the silver bullet already. You just don't want to use it because you realize how powerful it is. Your wife is staying there for weeks at a time? I went over this with my wife when we were in our early 20s. We were going to make our own lives. If our parents wanted to follow us and be near us, than they could. We didn't want them expecting us to regularly provide care for them (no thanks sandwich generation) and we sure as [expletive] didn't want them living in our house. We love our parents, but this home is made for a man and his wife, or at least a person and his or her spouse (no hate).
Look for retirement destinations that are at least 800 miles away. If you need help finding good ones, PM me your list of highly desirable and moderately desirable qualifications for a city and which state or metro area you need to be far away from and I'll shoot back a list of suggestions. I know the country well enough to do it off the top of my head.
Your wife and her sister may need to discuss plans together so the sister doesn't feel abandoned if you and your wife make a surprise "oh hey guys, we moved last thursday and now live in on the other side of the country" announcement.
Some who already have heard our story know that we started talking to the ILs early - asking them where they wanted to go in the event they needed assistance. When things started to fall apart we responded - quickly - and thankfully no one not related died because of my FILs poor driving skills. He died 7 months after admission to assisted living. She lives on - still in assisted living -but is also starting to fail and we will be ready to move into action - all the paperwork is signed and sealed.
If they refuse assistance there's really nothing you can do but be ready for the blowback when they fail. ALL family members need to participate. We have a non-cooperative family member (sibling) so we blocked her out of the picture and moved ahead anyway. She is not interested in her mother's welfare. She just wants to be there when the checks are written.
There is absolutely no need for someone to spend weeks on end taking care of someone in assisted living. It's why you pay all that money. And that money needs to be from the ILs assets - not your own.
When MIL complains about not being visited or no one calls her - we remind her she has an open invitation to live near to us. She then utters, "Over my dead body"..... and we tell her that's her choice. She has to live with those consequences.
It's a balancing act. She still wants to be independent - but clearly can't be. We will step in when needed. Until that time we "manage" from a distance her choices of doctor (her last doctor called us to say she is his oldest patient - he is a family practitioner - so we got her referred to a geriatric physician), her dietary needs - working with the ALF kitchen people and staff. Spouse eyeballs her checking account monthly....and makes certain she's not late in paying her taxes.
This will crumble and we will have to act. It NEVER happens the way you expect it to - you just have to be ready for anything.
But there is NO REASON to put your life on hold for it.
My older sister and BIL live in the expensive part of Northern California. They moved there over 40 years ago when it wasn't - but they lived in the very same home they purchased 40 years ago for $36,000.
BIL's father died 25 years ago - and his mother was living in Florida. There was no way they were leaving her there alone. She was elderly and "friends and neighbors" were preying on her - trying to get her to sell her home - lowballing it for their own benefit.
So my sister and BIL moved her to their neighborhood. She needed assisted living.
Fast forward to now - and she is 94 years old and pretty much gone due to dementia. Just this last month my BIL was in a tragic auto/pedestrian accident where he did not survive.
My 68 year old sister is now left caring for this MIL on her own. She has kids in the area so she is supported well emotionally - but damn.
ANYTHING can happen. I told my spouse he damn well better not leave this earth before my MIL passes.
Are these the estranged children we wrote about? I don't want my children, who feel that I was not/am not the best parent, assuming responsibility for my care. I would rather remain "estranged". It is, in fact, the impetus behind the distance I keep between us.
Move, change your name, your phone number, etc, etc and die alone. Better that than in the presence of people who resent you.
We have lost something. May be this is the price we pay for living too long.
I guess some people have no problem using their adult children as caregivers. A friend of mine did that for his mother and even moved her into his extra bedroom. The mother took total advantage. It almost cost him his marriage because his mother by that time was bedridden. No one else in the family even offered to buy her diapers or watch her for the day so they could have a day alone.
I remembered what happened to him and put my mother in assisted living. Caregiving isn't for everyone.
Worrying about being charged with elder neglect, I contacted a social worker who asked the competency questions about our mother; she passed them all. We explained that aside from her ongoing demands on her terms, when she wanted to she would shut us out of her house by locking all doors including the storm doors and not answering the phone if she was ill. The social worker advised us to keep a dated journal (boy was that ever stressful) to detail what happened on what day over time, to present as evidence in case needed. The two social workers who we sent to her house got chased off the porch fast.
Are you aware that in some states, our former one being one of them, children are charged with the responsibility for caring for elderly parents of limited means. It's actually a crime to fail to meet that fiduciary/familial responsibility. However, in all my years there working in law enforcement and politics I cannot remember one case where the law intervened in that regard.
Are you aware that in some states, our former one being one of them, children are charged with the responsibility for caring for elderly parents of limited means. It's actually a crime to fail to meet that fiduciary/familial responsibility. However, in all my years there working in law enforcement and politics I cannot remember one case where the law intervened in that regard.
My sisters and I would have had no problem providing for her financially if she'd needed it (and we did loan her the money for her final house). It was HER we couldn't deal with, but being the good daughters that we are, we did that at considerable mental expense (ours). Come to think of it, in terms of being charged with neglect , jail might have been preferable!
On another note, did I read somewhere on this thread that adult kids are responsible for their parents' debts if their estates have nothing left?
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, I contacted a social worker who asked the competency questions about our mother; she passed them all. We explained that aside from her ongoing demands on her terms, when she wanted to she would shut us out of her house by locking all doors including the storm doors and not answering the phone if she was ill. The social worker advised us to keep a dated journal (boy was that ever stressful) to detail what happened on what day over time, to present as evidence in case needed. The two social workers who we sent to her house got chased off the porch fast.
