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People should focus on forming friendships even in their older years. I see elderly people every day, at coffee shops, Dunkin Donuts, libraries, just wandering around looking for someone to talk to. It's sad. Some go to the same place every day, sit and wait for someone to come along and talk to them. Sometimes it can be hard to exit the conversation with them. Sometimes it's better to avoid these places altogether if you're busy or don't have time to talk. It's very sad.
Too bad you are not seeing those of us seniors who lead active and social lives as well. Also, living around elderly people 24/7 as I do I can attest to the fact that many of the most prolific talkers do have doting families and friends to talk to. They just enjoy chatting with strangers or anyone who will listen because for some reason, age loosens their tongues like crazy.
Actually I've been in places like these where not-so-elderly people do the same thing. Often lonely old people were lonely younger people too. Many depended solely on children or spouses who were no longer available to them. The trick is to learn to take care of yourself in every way including knowing whom to call if you need help.
Last edited by Minervah; 04-07-2019 at 12:26 PM..
Reason: Added additional tbought
Actually I've been in places like these where not-so-elderly people do the same thing. Often lonely old people were lonely younger people too. Many depended solely on children or spouses who were no longer available to them. The trick is to learn to take care of yourself in every way including knowing whom to call if you need help.
Absolutely.
I've had quite a head start, never married and never wanted kids.
If one wants people to talk with you, at any age, you should have something to say and to listen!
I know this is not true in every case but marriage can stifle people's growth in that they become too dependent upon another to see them through life. I was married for ten years but I don't feel I became a fully functional adult until after the marriage ended and I was on my own. I see many people in my independent senior living complex who lost a spouse or have kids who don't lift a finger and are helpless because they never learned to take care of themselves.
I am fortunate to have a sister who will handle whatever is needed should I become incapacitated or when I die. But there are other sources that can be had to do the same if one doesn't have a siblings, a spouse or kids. I have looked into all of this because it was all a part of me taking care of me and not depending upon someone else to do it for me.
This article and others it mentions does not address the fact that it isn't just childless/free people in a lonely or confusing situation. I would like those who write about these things to take a survey asking just who finds themselves in this type of quandary and why besides their assumption it's only those who never had kids.
I know this is not true in every case but marriage can stifle people's growth in that they become too dependent upon another to see them through life. I was married for ten years but I don't feel I became a fully functional adult until after the marriage ended and I was on my own. I see many people in my independent senior living complex who lost a spouse or have kids who don't lift a finger and are helpless because they never learned to take care of themselves.
I am fortunate to have a sister who will handle whatever is needed should I become incapacitated or when I die. But there are other sources that can be had to do the same if one doesn't have a siblings, a spouse or kids. I have looked into all of this because it was all a part of me taking care of me and not depending upon someone else to do it for me.
This article and others it mentions does not address the fact that it isn't just childless/free people in a lonely or confusing situation. I would like those who write about these things to take a survey asking just who finds themselves in this type of quandary and why besides their assumption it's only those who never had kids.
True. If someone else is always there to support you, it can be difficult to find out what you can really do.
I know this is not true in every case but marriage can stifle people's growth in that they become too dependent upon another to see them through life. I was married for ten years but I don't feel I became a fully functional adult until after the marriage ended and I was on my own. I see many people in my independent senior living complex who lost a spouse or have kids who don't lift a finger and are helpless because they never learned to take care of themselves.
I've seen it too amongst married women, mostly in my mother's generation. Some of them never even drove a car and never worked a paid job. They become helpless in their old age because their spouse is gone and not many people are left to take care of them. My mom in her 70s would have a lot of her women friends pester her to drive them places, and do things for them. They didn't even know how to pay their own bills. She got tired of it.
I've seen it too amongst married women, mostly in my mother's generation. Some of them never even drove a car and never worked a paid job. They become helpless in their old age because their spouse is gone and not many people are left to take care of them. My mom in her 70s would have a lot of her women friends pester her to drive them places, and do things for them. They didn't even know how to pay their own bills. She got tired of it.
I never drove either. I tried it, hated it and never continued driving. I never ask people for rides but I've always had friends who offered. I've always lived in cities with good public transportation so getting around in my own was never a problem. Often I meet people here who had to give up their cars. I'm the bus guru, they come to me to ask how to ride.
BTW, lest anyone think I'm picking on women for not learning how to be independent, I want to say that I've met many men who are just as helpless. They lose their wives and don't know how to take care of themselves. They never had to cook, clean house or sometimes, pay bills. Some who are not in the best health want someone to care of them as a nurse. The wife did it all.
These guys are really on the prowl and make no bones about it.
The majority of women I've always called my friends are strong, independent women. Most were never married or no longer have husbands. The most independent are those who were single most or all of their lives. Very few have kids.
I wish someone would write and article about them.
The ones that let the other half take care of everything is the saddest case
How is that possible? I hope that doesn't happen as often as it did in the olden days.
Mom never took care of money, dad was older and decided to prepare her. He started giving her money to put in her credit union, and having her buy cds. When she reached the insured limit he told her not to worry. She already knew how to do all household stuff. When he died all the money was already hers but she needed a little handholding. She told my brother she was worried about buying cds because she might not remember when they exprired. He offered to remind her, but then she remembered the credit union reminded her. She put my brother on her bank accounts so he could write checks of she couldn't and had me do her taxes but other than that she did fine.
I know this is not true in every case but marriage can stifle people's growth in that they become too dependent upon another to see them through life. I was married for ten years but I don't feel I became a fully functional adult until after the marriage ended and I was on my own. I see many people in my independent senior living complex who lost a spouse or have kids who don't lift a finger and are helpless because they never learned to take care of themselves.
I am fortunate to have a sister who will handle whatever is needed should I become incapacitated or when I die. But there are other sources that can be had to do the same if one doesn't have a siblings, a spouse or kids. I have looked into all of this because it was all a part of me taking care of me and not depending upon someone else to do it for me.
This article and others it mentions does not address the fact that it isn't just childless/free people in a lonely or confusing situation. I would like those who write about these things to take a survey asking just who finds themselves in this type of quandary and why besides their assumption it's only those who never had kids.
I got married the first time at 22. I now think about that and wonder if I would have been a close minded pain in the you know what like my sisters that have been married for 50 years or so.
Very narrow minded. Things have to be a certain way or else.
Great topic! We are in our 40s with no kids. I hear this a lot about who will take care of us.
there is nobody better to take care of the old me than the young me. My husband and I live well below our means, we work hard, we save a lot of money and because we don't have kids, we have even more money to save for retirement. So when we are old, we will be able to afford the best of care. I plan on staying in a house and eventually finding a retirement community where they have doctors and housekeeping on site. No need to burden family.
I know it's common in some cultures to have one person taking care of parents, inlaws, themselves and kids. But they also happen to be a lot of poorer and 3rd world countries. I honestly think it's an idea that keeps people poor. Sorry to offend it's just something I noticed when people list countries where extended family lives together.
When I wind down for the evening, I like wearing skimpy pjs and my husband sits in his boxers. We find what we like on tv. We also play World of Warcraft. We couldn't do this living with family. We'd have to be fully clothed. We'd have to compromise of what to watch on tv. Often family is relegated to living in a back bedroom. No thanks. That's not what I worked my whole life for. I want my own house, my privacy and my freedom. The thought of living with family is depressing. I'm also very clean. What if someone is messy? I just have to deal with it? Pass.
As for the mail order brides. Buyer beware. Men are more taken advantage of here than the women are. Many men end up finding out down the road their brides had children, parents, even husbands in their home country the men end up having to financially support. Some brides come here, save money and then later leave back for their home countries. Many brides end up wanting children. So men in their 50s and 60s find themselves with a house full of kids and a wife who just wanted him to support her lifestyle. The men aren't pampered and doted on like they imagined. Instead they are treated like a piece of furniture and cut off from sex once she has the kids she wants!
Not that there aren't happy stories. But even the happiest story of a mail order bride is you found someone who will tolerate you because you took her out of her hell hole. If that's enough then, good for you.
But really senior women far, far outnumber senior men. Why would it be so hard for a senior man to meet a woman? I would think it would be pretty easy.
Another thing I've noticed is how society often paints women as desperate and needy for men, but really it's men who don't do well alone. Women, especially senior women usually do just fine. They are happy with their lady friends, church stuff, volunteering, gardening. It's men who just seem really sad and pitiful alone. I would think a man would be better of meeting a woman on a senior dating site like Our Time than getting a woman from overseas who could easily have ulterior motives for wanting to marry you.
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