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Your mom is 62 years old. She is not going to change ever. Anything you see happening now you will see happening in the future. Nothing you do will change that. You can clean up the house all you want, and she will return it to the condition that it had been in before. She is never going to lose the weight.
Since you can never change her, work on you. Make changes in your own life to better your position. You certainly do not want to end up like your mom or dad. Invest in you. Save money for your retirement. Lose weight. Do all the things that you wish your mom would do. Set goals for your own retirement. You don't want to rely on Social Security.
If you are so inclined, find a partner for life, a wife. The happiest people are couples that are working on improving life together.
I met her and dad for lunch yesterday. He clearly doesn't seem happen, but is more or less resigned to the behavior.
I'm hoping she will pull a rabbit out of the hat and surprise everyone, but she's saying she needs to rest "for a long time." There is a lot to do at the house, and while I can see taking a week or two of downtime, she really needs to try and do something after that. We'll see, but I'm not optimistic.
My dad once told me that the older you get the faster time moves. As I've gotten older I've come to understand more and more just what he meant. A week or two is no time at all compared to forty or more years on the job. I don't expect you've come to that realization yet, but then I assume you come to the retirement forum to get a different perspective from us old fogies, right?
Your mom is 62 and has every right to retire.
The fact that her social security check is only $1000 says a lot about her working years. Probably took time off work to raise you and lost whatever career she had by the time she went back to work. She probably worked low paying close to minimum wage jobs to bring her share into the family. Be thankful and respectful of that. She is tired. She doesn't need to keep working to 65 to have full benefits as they probably wont be much higher and she won't earn a whole lot. She'll never recoup the years she hasn't been collecting her Social Security had she started collecting at 62. Let her be.
Your dad working is the most important thing. Hopefully they'll pay off the house and just live their remaining years frugally.
It’s none of your business whether they are financially ready for her to retire. That’s between the two of them. I’d be furious if my adult kids were sticking their noses in my business and treating me like a child at age 62.
Well it's going to be his business when he has to give financial support due to her poor choices.
Well it's going to be his business when he has to give financial support due to her poor choices.
I don't think it'll be today or tomorrow, but I don't think they've sufficiently planned this out.
They took out a car note on a CR-V last year. Both previous cars (a Camry and Corolla - Corolla gave trouble) were paid for. It's not a top of the line model and they did get something out of the Corolla, so I doubt the payment is that high, but it's just indicative of a lack of planning. If it were me, I'd have either not bought the CR-V, paid cash for it, or if they had to finance, keep working until it's paid for.
I asked her the other day if she had applied yet to collect her SS benefits. She looked shocked and said "that's none of your business." If she had done it, she would have just said yes. My guess is that she hasn't and they're going to be several months without those benefits coming in.
Her health is bad and he is in good shape. I think something will happen to her before him, but if something happens to him, they're screwed. His employer is also extremely disorganized (they'll send production crew home on Monday/Tuesday without pay, then want to work a Saturday) and there are rumors that the family that owns it are wanting to sell it. In any event, the facility has been there for decades, but the name has changed a ton.
She's still doing the shopping. She bought more sheets and a comforter for my bed, which I didn't request or need. I had two quilts and a heavier comfort - I didn't need another. She brought more "stuff" in that she had just bought on moving day when the house was a debris field and furniture was all over the place. I don't ask for this stuff and don't even really want it, yet she keeps shopping anyway.
My gut feeling is it will play out like this. She's still going to keep shopping and spending, and do virtually nothing around the house. He's going to be working full time, she's going to be in that chair doing nothing, and he's going to be doing all the household stuff too. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if their marriage doesn't end up strained by all this.
Well it's going to be his business when he has to give financial support due to her poor choices.
I don't think she's asked him for financial support. Unless and until she does, her finances are none of his business. Even then her finances are not his business. He can say "no."
One doesn't just 'find a wive' as if just about anyone on the planet will suffice - as if all it takes is that a person is willing to be a wife and just about anyone will be feasible!
That is very antiquated thinking - back to when women were financially dependent upon a man and upon a husband.
If one happens to meet a woman who one has a great relationship with, then one might consider marrying that person.
One doesn't just grab any woman just in order to have a 'wife' rather than happening to meet someone who one especially clicks with on many levels and then thinks about possibly marrying that person. Very antiquated thinking is that just about anyone will suffice because of very old-fashioned financial dependency and other antiquated ideas.
One doesn't just 'find a wive' as if just about anyone on the planet will suffice - as if all it takes is that a person is willing to be a wife and just about anyone will be feasible!
That is very antiquated thinking - back to when women were financially dependent upon a man and upon a husband.
If one happens to meet a woman who one has a great relationship with, then one might consider marrying that person.
One doesn't just grab any woman just in order to have a 'wife' rather than happening to meet someone who one especially clicks with on many levels and then thinks about possibly marrying that person. Very antiquated thinking is that just about anyone will suffice because of very old-fashioned financial dependency and other antiquated ideas.
SC, I know you feel responsible for your parents, and you feel frustrated with your mom. Another poster said that you can only control your own reactions, and I agree.
You have considered moving, and if you really want to, I’d consider doing so. IMO, you need more separation from this drama. If you must stay where you are, I want to encourage you to visit weekly and no more, and disable the link on your phone that allows your mom to know your location.
Your mom wanted to quit, I think. I don’t know why she could not stick it out, but she couldn't. You can’t force her to file for SS. I think she shops for recreation, and I think it is fine to tell her not to spend money on you. If you have to, take stuff back.
However you do this, I want to encourage you to separate your life from them more than you are doing now. I don’t think your constant bailing them out is healthy for you.
In a perfect world, your mom would be undergoing treatment for depression and hoarding behavior. I doubt this is a viable option for her. But there is only so much stress you should have to feel.
Serious Conversation just purchased a condo in his hometown within the last month or two.
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