Daily Joke Thread (Heath, West, Van: sales, credit, attorneys)

[gwrober]

Nice one Paka!!! I can't rep you tho...

[Paka]

Former President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies.

Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings Hillary by to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

[sapphire]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[gwrober]

I rear-ended a car, this morning, on my way to work.

So there we were, standing alongside the road, steam rolling from my punctured radiator, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. And you know how sometimes you just get sooo-stressed-out that real-life stuff seems to get really funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . The other driver was a DWARF, only about 3 feet tall! So, he storms over to my car, looks up at me, and loudly proclaims, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Okay, well, which one are you then?'
And THAT'S when the fight started .

[dangeruscurves]

A little Texas humor....

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

[dangeruscurves]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

[Deep Forest]

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” --Brooke Shields quote ..

[Deep Forest]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove
that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

[Paka]

What did the Zen Master tell the NYC Hotdog vendor????


"Make me one with everything".

[gwrober]

More Questions That Must Be Answered

1. Once you're in Heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

2. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON t.v.?

5. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you; but when you take him for car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

8. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

9. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?