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Regardless of the relationship drama and the big 'What do I do!?' stuff, there's something that's more interesting to me. That is, the incredible amount of energy required to maintain ones self image. The more radical and outlandish it is, the more energy required. It's nothing more than an idea and it's like a fire that will burn itself out if you don't keep throwing more wood on. Writing stories about how this didn't work out, that didn't work out. Telling yourself you're a failure, on and on and on. The same goes for the high maintenance of trying to be happy all the time.
It requires an inordinate amount of self deception because if you were to admit to yourself that you actually enjoy seeing just how hopeless or depressed or even angry you can get, you wouldn't be hopeless or depressed or angry anymore. A lot of the Bi-polar stuff (physical causes aside) is about pulling the rubber band back as far as it can go so that you can enjoy the stark contrast of both the ups and downs. People talk about peace but really hardly anybody is actually interested in it.
The torture and the struggle is really about an unwillingness to feel. Guys are told in so many ways that feelings are for women. Some guys would rather be shot in the leg than be caught crying in public. When that unwillingness is really held to be true and internalized on a level of not even being willing to feel in your own private life, you must turn to suppression. Alcohol is the bottomless well of suppression offered up in virtually every city and town. Anything to avoid admitting that life was never actually a problem even in the midst of your catastrophes. You made it a problem and you either admit you like the drama or keep operating in a trance state where the stars have to stay aligned for you to feel the way you want.
Regardless of the relationship drama and the big 'What do I do!?' stuff, there's something that's more interesting to me. That is, the incredible amount of energy required to maintain ones self image. The more radical and outlandish it is, the more energy required. It's nothing more than an idea and it's like a fire that will burn itself out if you don't keep throwing more wood on. Writing stories about how this didn't work out, that didn't work out. Telling yourself you're a failure, on and on and on. The same goes for the high maintenance of trying to be happy all the time.
It requires an inordinate amount of self deception because if you were to admit to yourself that you actually enjoy seeing just how hopeless or depressed or even angry you can get, you wouldn't be hopeless or depressed or angry anymore. A lot of the Bi-polar stuff (physical causes aside) is about pulling the rubber band back as far as it can go so that you can enjoy the stark contrast of both the ups and downs. People talk about peace but really hardly anybody is actually interested in it.
The torture and the struggle is really about an unwillingness to feel. Guys are told in so many ways that feelings are for women. Some guys would rather be shot in the leg than be caught crying in public. When that unwillingness is really held to be true and internalized on a level of not even being willing to feel in your own private life, you must turn to suppression. Alcohol is the bottomless well of suppression offered up in virtually every city and town. Anything to avoid admitting that life was never actually a problem even in the midst of your catastrophes. You made it a problem and you either admit you like the drama or keep operating in a trance state where the stars have to stay aligned for you to feel the way you want.
In the end mf my marriage, I had to take a hard look at myself and what I was doing wrong. That was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I learned a lot about myself and it was the only way to truly work through the whole ordeal and move on. And I came out much better in the end.
Back in Phoenix, I was and an ic courier for many years. An ic courier is someone who delivers documents and packages using your own vehicle. I used to drive 250+ miles a day. During this time, I was rear ended many, many times. I noticed my back getting worse and worse over the years, but now it has put me at the breaking point. Monday I went to Walmart, Sunflower and Circle K. I got food and some beer. As I got out of my car my back went out and the pain was severe. I could not even carry in my purchases. I had to lay down on the street by my car.
Luckily, a guy in my complex was throwing out trash and I asked him if he could take my groceries and beer into my apartment. It was so embarrassing. I do thank God it happened here though instead of in a store parking lot. This has happened before, but never quite this bad. I have not been able to walk until today, but it still hurts bad. I have had to literally crawl around my apartment all week.
Now this takes me to my unemployment. I just finished 6 months, and I had to go on emergency benefits. I cannot meet the new job search requirements in the letter I got Sunday, so I called the office. The lady said I cannot be disabled and get unemployment benefits. She said I am no longer eligible so now I am cut off and will not receive any more checks. What is really upsetting is jobs that I can do like my last one do not exist any more. I tried tons of security companies, and they all want me to be able to stand long periods, climb stairs, stay out in the heat/cold all night, etc. I physically cannot do it. I knew I was screwed when I got laid off, but I did not realize just how bad it was going to get. Getting on disability is very expensive and takes years to get on so that is not an option either. I really do not know what to do. I feel as though I am backed up against a wall, and cannot escape.
I hope this makes sense now why I said I wish I had a time machine. Maybe that is why I am obsessed with the show "Quantum Leap." I never would have done that driving job for one thing.
Last edited by las vegas drunk; 05-18-2012 at 10:12 AM..
The dogs will seriously be overjoyed. They LOVE the car.
Only trouble I had with my dogs is getting them to do their business on something besides grass!! This is what they were used to and would "go" from the time we left Southern California until they nerly popped when we reached our new house here. If grass is all your dogs are used to I would try other surfaces before your long trip!
Only trouble I had with my dogs is getting them to do their business on something besides grass!! This is what they were used to and would "go" from the time we left Southern California until they nerly popped when we reached our new house here. If grass is all your dogs are used to I would try other surfaces before your long trip!
My dogs don't care. LOL My little girl has been known to squat on the sidewalk!
I really do not know what to do. I feel as though I am backed up against a wall, and cannot escape.
If you only knew what a blessing in disguise this is, you would smile from ear to ear LVD. There's nothing more than a thin veil separating all the peace of the world from you. It's usually only when people exhaust every possible means of escape does it become apparent.
If you only knew what a blessing in disguise this is, you would smile from ear to ear LVD. There's nothing more than a thin veil separating all the peace of the world from you. It's usually only when people exhaust every possible means of escape does it become apparent.
There is no blessing in disguise. I cannot work and most likely I am going to have to watch all my things taken away, being kicked out of my apartment, and losing my car. The only escape from there is death, but that would absolutely be my last option. My only hope now is my buddy on here will be able to teach me what he does below:
I have almost hit rock bottom before, even living in my car for months. I always managed to pull myself out of it. However, I was in good health and the economy was good. This time things are different, very different. I am making myself crazy even thinking about it anymore.
There is no blessing in disguise. I cannot work and most likely I am going to have to watch all my things taken away, being kicked out of my apartment, and losing my car. The only escape from there is death, but that would absolutely be my last option. My only hope now is my buddy on here will be able to teach me what he does below:
I have almost hit rock bottom before, even living in my car for months. I always managed to pull myself out of it. However, I was in good health and the economy was good. This time things are different, very different. I am making myself crazy even thinking about it anymore.
If you beleive things will never get better, they never will.
I consider Vegas my 2nd or 3rd home away from home.
One of my mom's husband's was a big-time Insurance Executive for John Hancock in the early to late 70's (big tower in Streeterville, Chicago next to the Drake Hotel and located on the 'Miracle Mile' {adjacent}).
He and my mother took me and my siblings to Vegas 2X's a year for about 6 years in Vegas in the 70's. Cool stuff. Wet n Wild, juicy buffets & hanging at the pools while they gambled. My love affair with Vegas began then.
I have lived in Vegas 3X's in my life. '86 was my sophomore year in college break and I assembled a crack team of blackjack 'crew' and we did the Revere count system and we made coin!
Our favorite casinos were Nob Hill and other small casinos. I was a barback @Four Queens that summer.
I have an abnormal gift for numbers; hence my 2nd time in Vegas was for a full 18 months back in '95 to '96 on the west side near the Hospital.
At that time I was already working with my financial mentor for 7+ years and on the side I was sportsbetting at Palace Station and if I needed a 'sharp' book I would literally live @ the Vegas Hilton on the weekends and after work on Thur/Friday.
My last residency in Vegas was from '08 to '09 and me and LVD in spring of '09 spent 5 days a week testing and putting real money on a craps 'grind' method.
I spent nearly 6 weeks with LVD for up to 6 hours a day 5 days a week.
He is a compassionate, deeply intelligent w/a 'whip-sharp' memory flawed individual that in his past had alot going for him and I can see how others would feel the same way.
Loyal to a fault and he pours his heart and soul out on this forum because it is safe for him to do so and he deserves respect for that.
I realize many on this forum are older and are in a better 'emotional' space; I get it.
LVD has legitimate health concerns (internal organ stuff--originally not even remotely connected to drinking) and even eating organic clean food he simply cannot afford to pony up 15K+ in diagnostic tests in order to get the proper pain medication and (perhaps) rehab and comprehensive medical and psychological assistance from the state and federal resources that he indeed deserves as a long-time productive earner in this economy.
How many on this board have been homeless and risen above it and survived and not resorted to being mean or bitter or lashing out as he has? His family is not supportive.
I understand why he drinks now to control his chronic pain (and alcohol is psychologically addictive--I am not naive).
I was diagnosed with spina bifida occulta early in my youth and after a viscious football accident (I was a talented quarterback) I was diagnosed with severe neck and left thoracic and lower limb nerve damage. This continued and continues to work its way toward more intense chronic pain as I get older; no matter how much I do either yoga/pilates/'Teeter Inversion Table'/Hot Tub Therapy/Reiki/Deep Tissue Massage--etc...
I live with it and try and get plenty of rest and stay flexible and active and when I have 'breakthrough' pain; I take a bit more pain medication and rest.
Been prescribed morphine to oxycontin to methadone you name it; I am currently on medical marijuana 'green dragon' tincture to take the 'edge' off.
I am older, 45; so I get how it is to suffer with chronic pain and still wanting to function properly.
In fact, here on the lake up north one of my roommates (I am thrifty--so in my 4 bedroom 3 story home I have 2 responsible tenants that help defray any expenses); she just threw her back out completly!
She was crying for 12 hours and could not sleep or barely breathe; I called her a cab and paid for it and she went to the ER, she is fortunate to have good insurance so she can get the proper pain medication so she can function.
I am sure ALL the reasonable people on this forum can relate and emphathize and sympathize.
LVD sure could use a friend right now; perhaps local. Maybe he needs some muscle relaxers or someone to just say hello at his place (if he would accept your invitation).
I understand some/many of you do not wish to put yourself out there on a message forum; I understand this. You may or may not have a bit more balanced perspective and probably have a better support system than LVD does.
Please tolerate his posts while he is in severe pain; we have all been there.
Thanks everyone. And yes. If you read the link he provided I will teach him how to fish. I can't change the fascist medical insurance policies that deny people living @ or below the poverty line the medical care that is a basic human right.
And yes, I would gladly pay more taxes so that the poorest of the poor can live a dignified life and have a chance to better themselves; no matter their circumstances or how they arrived at that point in their lives.
I am a man of my word and a pretty good judge of character (yes, my screen name is for 'fun'--not everything is so literal in cyberspace).
LVD--get well. I even offered to send him whatever pain medication he would be prescribed by a 'sliding-scale' clinic told him they would give him; if only he would pay for the 15K+ diagnostic tests that they require in order to do so.
He was too gracious and refused my offer.
Red tape. Oh yea; what kind of awful company employs a diligent/smart/attentive employee that LVD was at his former job {working full-time for 4.5 of those years} without PROVIDING PAID INSURANCE?
I'll tell you what kind; a company that is purely interested in profits and not the well-being and advancement of their workforce that actually represents and allows that company to be so profitable.
Thanks for reading this long post.
peace
Hedvig/researcher247/DG 43
Last edited by Degenerate Gambler43; 05-18-2012 at 12:31 PM..
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