Jokes- Keep em clean please (Jay: apartment, closing, legal)

[retiredtinbender]

Farm All's got rythem!!!!!

[cebdark]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Maine's back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...

[maureenb]

reloop, you made my day with this one!

Thank you!

[retiredtinbender]

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma . Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel."

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... The guy had no sense of humor.

[maureenb]

Woman Shot in the Head
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, while visiting her in-laws, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. After she returned home, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed. She was holding both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and she replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

Her husband called 911. The EMT's broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

[retiredtinbender]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[cebdark]

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were
tough, he had determined to take them to the county
fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit,
they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.

Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one
another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and
find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station
wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove
the thirty miles.


While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"



The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if
they're rolling in the mud, then they're not."


The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he
hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them
again into the family station wagon and proceeded to
try again.

The following morning, in the mud again! And the next
morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.


He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field
grazing."

The wife looked out the window and then yelled back,
"Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn."

[maureenb]

All I can say, reloop...

[mensaguy]

Tool Directory

Drill Press - A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching metal flat bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your half full beer across the shop, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at Mach 1 speed. Also, removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, crap!"

Skill Saw - A portable cutting tool, used to make studs too short.

Pliers - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Vise-Grips - Generally used after pliers to complete the rounding off of bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Hacksaw - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouiji Board principle...It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Oxyacetylene Torch - Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles forward to test wall integrity, rearward to test operator integrity.

Band Saw - A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large, expensive, aluminum sheetmetal into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can. After you cut on the inside of the marked line, instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

[retiredtinbender]

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. On the average a teen-ager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they understood Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that life’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it. If you’re lucky you’ll only have to fix it or do it again. If you’re unlucky or screw up enough, you’ll get fired.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to just sit around talking in chat-rooms all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying bills; cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, does not bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours or more. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop, dance clubs, and bars to go to their jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as KimKardashian or Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.

Enjoy this life while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing, but someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome!