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I finally started an antidepressant after a very serious episode in early December. Feeling much better although I haven't been on the Lexapro long enough to actually make a difference. Maybe it's the placebo effect but regardless I am feeling pretty good right now.
Ive talked to a counselor and I am about to start seeing a psychiatrist...ive been told to be carfeful with meds, that sometimes all the med does is get you up and moving, motivate you enough to commit suicide
my lack of motivation has gotten better...im back to hanging with friends...but still...ive researched suicide and chose a method...even bought all the supplies LEGALLY
its comforting for some reason to have this suicide box hidden in my tool area...will probably be there unused for ever...
I really believe this is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I am going to try treating it
but I really have little to no will to live...I am an atheist, I believe that after death there is nothing...no memory, no consciousness...no looking forward...this sounds wonderful to me...no more depression living in the past, no more anxiety worrying about the future
I can understand a bit of what you're going through greatblueheron. I went through a crushing chemical depression from taking the oxycodone for months. I sat for nearly 5 months, and that was enough to drive me crazy. Add to the mix drugs that make you feel like you're two inches tall, painful therapy three times a week, and the darkness was devastating.
That being said I knew in the deep recesses of my mind that life will change again. It always does. If you can manage to keep that tiny spark alive, it helps. So to will the medications that alter your brain chemistry. That is only part of the equation. I think you have to train yourself to look at life differently as well, and take control of your happiness.
Yes, I have days that I do nothing but sit around, sometimes all day. I had a job that was very physically demanding for decades, and sitting around doing nothing on my days off was a luxury. Why not enjoy that now that I'm retired? Heck I need it after being with the six year old all day. We took her sledding yesterday, and I played outside with her for hours. I going ice skating in about an hour. Tomorrow I may just sit around all day. Heck, why not?
what I had understood from all problem that I faced in my life is that necessary just to go straight, accept all your mistakes and work with them. Don’t be on depression and blame everybody around. Just give yourself time and freedom, do smth that you love, visit new country, read some psyhology books and do Volikov's test, it will help you to reach the harmony, is the most important thing in my opinion, never look back, only go agead!
Hello all - been doing better as far as the depression with the Lexapro but my anxiety is much worse since my psychiatrist has been weaning me off the Lorazepam (Ativan). She gave me Valium which stays in your system longer and has reduced it from 10 mg. to 5 mg. I'm waking up at 4 a.m. and having so much anxiety it is horrible. Not a full blown panic attack but a bad anxiety attack. I have a feeling she is trying to detox me from the benzos too quickly considering I have been on them for almost 17 years. I have a call in to her office to try and get an appointment sooner than my next scheduled one. I don't know what's worse - depression or severe anxiety.
I can understand a bit of what you're going through greatblueheron. I went through a crushing chemical depression from taking the oxycodone for months. I sat for nearly 5 months, and that was enough to drive me crazy. Add to the mix drugs that make you feel like you're two inches tall, painful therapy three times a week, and the darkness was devastating.
That being said I knew in the deep recesses of my mind that life will change again. It always does. If you can manage to keep that tiny spark alive, it helps. So to will the medications that alter your brain chemistry. That is only part of the equation. I think you have to train yourself to look at life differently as well, and take control of your happiness.
Yes, I have days that I do nothing but sit around, sometimes all day. I had a job that was very physically demanding for decades, and sitting around doing nothing on my days off was a luxury. Why not enjoy that now that I'm retired? Heck I need it after being with the six year old all day. We took her sledding yesterday, and I played outside with her for hours. I going ice skating in about an hour. Tomorrow I may just sit around all day. Heck, why not?
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Oh, I'm doing very well. Still have an occasional bad day but it's ok, I used to have bad years!
Found the perfect med combo finally. The sun is out today.
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We took her sledding yesterday, and I played outside with her for hours. I going ice skating in about an hour. Tomorrow I may just sit around all day. Heck, why not? 
Carole King's advice
