NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (electric, business)

[I LOVE PA!]

So freakin' funny JG......

[PITTSTON2SARASOTA]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

I went into my proctologist' s office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.

I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

"Darn it Evelyn!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT"

That's a funny "story", reminds me of when I had Acute Prostatitis. I screamed like a Banshee when "Dr. Proctor" checked the problem. As I was leaving I noticed that the number of waiting patients had dwindled considerably and that the remainder had turned " A Whiter Shade Of Pale'. LOL....true story with embellishments. and than I told him no thunbs up...

[PITTSTON2SARASOTA]

I spelled thumbs wrong just thinking about the experience. No fun.

[Jungle George]

Originally Posted by PITTSTON2SARASOTA

I spelled thumbs wrong just thinking about the experience. No fun.

I thought the doctor might have accidentally put a thunb up & you were scarred for life!!!

[Future Trooper]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

I thought the doctor might have accidentally put a thunb up & you were scarred for life!!!

O JungleGeorge

[Jungle George]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.


You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.


* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.


* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!


Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

[I LOVE PA!]

I'm getting a bottle or two of this for the weekend....I could use a little fun....or a lot. i'm up for all the side effects..except the spitting, but maybe I won't notice.

[Jungle George]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door .. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker,

the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,

the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,

and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.




Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[Jungle George]

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston , and walked timidly without an appointment in to the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge .

We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly. He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped. 'We'll wait,' the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said
to him! He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard.. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. 'Madam,' he said, gruffly, 'we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.' Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly. 'We don't want to erect a statue.. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, 'A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard.'

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, 'Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?'

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University , a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

[Future Trooper]

George where do you manage to come up with some of these jokes??? They make me laugh!