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When my dh's aunt always buys my kids the cutest toys, expensive stuff. While we were pregnant, her gifts were beyond generous.
Her daughter is always complaining because her mom didn't buy her ONE THING while she was pregnant, and never buys her boys toys. Her dh is also out of work all the time, naturally, through no fault of his own.
Her mom and I went out for lunch once, just the two of us. She brought the latest/greatest toys for my kids and some really cute clothes. She told me that it was so nice to walk into Toys R US and buy something she WANTED to buy, not what she HAD to buy. She said during her daughter's pregnancy, her ex and his new wife bought their grandchild a crib, clothes, playpen, etc - and everyone else in the family sent them gifts too (us included). But she held back - because she knows her daughter. She knew that her dd and her bf were going to have needs after the child was born. She was saving up to buy the necessary stuff - diapers, formula, etc, 'loans' for rent, utility bills, shoes.
Perhaps your bf has a history of losing jobs and showing up with pregnant girlfriends who rant online about how their bf's mother lives off disability and alimony but hasn't bought them anything. Perhaps she's preparing for the next needy phase of your lives. Perhaps because she wasn't married to bf's father when he was born, and she's known your bf since before he was born, she knows better than the two of you what's around the corner.
Have you made it clear to her that you will allow her to see the baby even if you and her son split up? Have you taken steps to ease her discomfort over the lack of commitment in your relationship with her son?
Yes, she knows this. I come from a broken home and I am not going to put my daughter through the same thing. Even if worst comes to worst and her father and I break up, I still want him and his family to be present in her life also...because my parents left me (after they got divorced) when I was a toddler and my grandmother raised me. My parents were never there for me. I don't want my child to go through what I went through.
So the real issue here is you just want one of the grandmothers to give a damn, and neither of them do. I'd be angry too. In all honesty you can't make someone take more interest in a grandchild, however sad and pathetic it makes them, that's just the way it is. Maybe she will come around after the baby is born, and if so, however irritating, it's all for the good of your boyfriend and the baby, right?
It doesn't make them sad or pathetic. Some people, gasp, leave raising of their grandchildren to their grandchildren's parents . I'm one of them. I do Christmas and birthday gifts and we visit a few times a year but that's about it. I love my grandkids but, realistically, I have my own life to live and I'm busy enough that that makes me an infrequent visitor. I would take the grandkids to church with me on Sunday's but my son doesn't want his kids going to church.
If your life is already full when your kids start having kids, you may not have the time to be a super involved grand parent. It's not for everyone. I have an aunt who moved 100 miles away when her daughter got pregnant because she didn't want her life to change because she was a grandmother. She'd waited her entire life to be able to retire and do what she wanted. She didn't want pressure to spend lots of time with a grandchild.
When my girls have kids, I'll, probably help out but I'll set the limits from the word go. I won't be doing it for the grandkids though. I just know how hard it is to be a working mom and I'd like to help MY kids. The OP, however, are not her boyfriend's mother's child. Since child care, usually, falls to the mom, it make sense that it would be her mom who would help the most IF she so inclined. If shen's not, then she's not. No one owes you because you had kids.
He is very close to them actually. He is more close to his father now...He kind of resents his mom over what she did to his dad, left him with nothing when they got divorced because she said she was entitled to everything he had.
His dad had no place to live because she got the house and everything else.
This explains everything! Your boyfriend sided with his father in the divorce and believed that his mother is evil for getting what the courts believed was fair and just. Guess what? She probably was entitled to what she got. The courts would not have given it if she wasn't. Guess what else? She knows her son took his father's side and resents her. Why should she be all warm and fuzzy when he chose to fall for all of his father's baised woman hating? Think about it.
Since child care, usually, falls to the mom, it make sense that it would be your mom who would help the most.
My mom? She didn't even raise me, I don't expect anything from her at all. I don't want anything from her. I could be dead now and she wouldn't even care.
Yes, she knows this. I come from a broken home and I am not going to put my daughter through the same thing. Even if worst comes to worst and her father and I break up, I still want him and his family to be present in her life also...because my parents left me (after they got divorced) when I was a toddler and my grandmother raised me. My parents were never there for me. I don't want my child to go through what I went through.
Then drop the money/gift issue and concentrate on relationships. Make sure you take your child to visit her. Make sure you invite her over for dinner. Make sure your child sees her as often as you can. However, don't ask her for money, gifts or to baby sit. She'll offer if she wants to do those things.
My mom? She didn't even raise me, I don't expect anything from her at all. I don't want anything from her. I could be dead now and she wouldn't even care.
Then, you'll be raising your own child...which is what parents do. No one owes you anything because you had a baby. It is, entirely, possible that your boyfriend's mother fears she'll have unreasonable demands made of her because your mom isn't around. I'd shy away too. In fact I do. My step son and his wife are having baby #6. I have no desire to handle even 4 kids at once so I don't baby sit. If they invite me to dinner, I come over. I invite them to dinner a few times a year but the 5 kids they have now is more than I can handle so I'm not going there.
Now, her mom baby sits all the time. She's retired, has no family and she likes spending time with her grand kids. She takes one of them just about every weekend. More power to her. I'm busy with my job and kids. So I don't.
When my dh's aunt always buys my kids the cutest toys, expensive stuff. While we were pregnant, her gifts were beyond generous.
Her daughter is always complaining because her mom didn't buy her ONE THING while she was pregnant, and never buys her boys toys. Her dh is also out of work all the time, naturally, through no fault of his own.
Her mom and I went out for lunch once, just the two of us. She brought the latest/greatest toys for my kids and some really cute clothes. She told me that it was so nice to walk into Toys R US and buy something she WANTED to buy, not what she HAD to buy. She said during her daughter's pregnancy, her ex and his new wife bought their grandchild a crib, clothes, playpen, etc - and everyone else in the family sent them gifts too (us included). But she held back - because she knows her daughter. She knew that her dd and her bf were going to have needs after the child was born. She was saving up to buy the necessary stuff - diapers, formula, etc, 'loans' for rent, utility bills, shoes.
Perhaps your bf has a history of losing jobs and showing up with pregnant girlfriends who rant online about how their bf's mother lives off disability and alimony but hasn't bought them anything. Perhaps she's preparing for the next needy phase of your lives. Perhaps because she wasn't married to bf's father when he was born, and she's known your bf since before he was born, she knows better than the two of you what's around the corner.
Ahhh... to be young and know everything again!
I just want to tell you that this is a great post. I hope it doesn't get lost by the OP in the shuffle.
This explains everything! Your boyfriend sided with his father in the divorce and believed that his mother is evil for getting what the courts believed was fair and just. Guess what? She probably was entitled to what she got. The courts would not have given it if she wasn't. Guess what else? She knows her son took his father's side and resents her. Why should she be all warm and fuzzy when he chose to fall for all of his father's biased woman hating? Think about it.
Well, that's awful. - if that is the case....but the only things his father has ever said to me about his ex-wife were her narcissistic personality and that she always expected to be catered to when they were married. Her sister said the same thing to us so I am more inclined to believe it is true. Or maybe not. But her "me, me, me" attitude makes me believe they could be right.
There is more to the divorce situation and the reason why my boyfriend resents her.... She didn't want to work when the kids were teenagers and already in school, she would call his dad out for working 2 jobs to support her and the fact that he was never home. He had to work 2 jobs to maintain their lifestyle. She never worked. Period. And they got divorced and she got the house, all of her debt paid off, alimony til the father passes away (Massachusetts law) and half of his retirement.
The whole situation is a bit complicated and I obviously only know what I have been told from both sides.
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. I'm one of them. I do Christmas and birthday gifts and we visit a few times a year but that's about it. I love my grandkids but, realistically, I have my own life to live and I'm busy enough that that makes me an infrequent visitor. I would take the grandkids to church with me on Sunday's but my son doesn't want his kids going to church.
- if that is the case....but the only things his father has ever said to me about his ex-wife were her narcissistic personality and that she always expected to be catered to when they were married. Her sister said the same thing to us so I am more inclined to believe it is true. Or maybe not. But her "me, me, me" attitude makes me believe they could be right.
