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Just because "it happens all the time" (break ups, girls lying about who the father is, etc) doesn't give people the right to treat others in a poor way. I am willing to bet "it DOESN'T happen all the time" and we are just more aware of it because of our 24/7/365 addiction to gossip and tv shows. Anyway, I think we should treat people the way we would like to be treated. OP's "MIL" certainly isn't doing this.
Who is treating anyone in a poor way besides the OP who is bad mouthing her boyfriend's mother? His mother chose to not help in a situation where helping is optional...why is that an issue at all?
Because she is a self centered person. She lacks self esteem in important areas like character, ethics and empathy so she must make up for it another way. Her way is materialism and boasting.
Stay away from this woman. You'll only be hurting yourself and your child. Trust me.
With all due respect, bragging about a purchase is not an ethics issue or a character issue. There is nothing "wrong" with bragging. It's just seen as annoying by those bothered by the fact they can't afford what the person is bragging about. Empathy, I'll give you. Obviously, she didn't consider that her son's girlfriend might be jealous. She was too excited about her purchases to think about that but there's nothing really wrong with doing that. It's not a crime or even, remotely, unethical and she hasn't done any harm really. She just failed to consider that here might be some jealousy.
I fail to see where it will hurt the baby to be around this woman. Will telling the baby about a new car somehow damage the child?
That really depends. The only time I saw either of my grandmothers was when we went to visit them. There's nothing wrong with that. I never wondered why grandma never came to visit. I just, assumed, that the way it's done is you visit grandma.
I do agree the OP needs to ditch the expectations. Her boyfriend's mother owes her and her baby nothing. Anything she chooses to do is optional.
I think part of the problem is the OP comes from a dysfunctional family and doesn't know how a functional family operates. Hence the unrealistic expectations. All families are different. They do things their own way. We visited grandma but grandma never visited us. I can't say that hurt me one bit. My aunts and uncles don't send birthday cards. Birthdays are celebrated with your immediate family. I can't say that hurt me one bit. After a baby is born, we go see the baby, bring some trinket and then wait for 3 month, 6 month and 9 month pictures to arrive in the mail. It's just the way things are in my family. We come together for special occaisions and then get back to our regularly scheduled lives.
You know, we clearly came from and hold the same beliefs. Not once, did a grandma come to visit us either, and I never even thought about it. When we saw our grandmothers/grandparents, we went to see them. In his later years, one of my grandfathers came to stay with us for a short time, and one came to stay for about a week and my father took him ocean fishing. They did not live near to us, but still, we were the ones who visited with them. We do not send birthday cards to nieces and nephews, nor do their aunts and uncles send them to ours. My children's grandparents never sent birthday cards to my kids, nor did our grandparents send them to us. There were never grudges held, or hard feelings. It's just the way things were, things ARE done.
My daughter and grandson live with us, so of course he gets cards and tons of attention from us. Because of this fact, it is highly likely that when they do move into their own place, we will have a much greater bond than some grands/grandchildren. Once again, preconceived expectations cause so many unnecessary emotional turmoils. If only we could all learn to take what we get and not always wish for something different.
OP, I know that it's sad that BFs mom seemed to turn her back on you when you were in a time of need, even down to seeing how HER BF was taking advantage of and screwing you 2 over. To me...that's the worst thing she did. As far as not helping you more...well, hon, she probably did you a HUGE favor. Imagine her holding that crap over you later on! Imagine if she would have helped you out too much and you didn't discover you COULD make it without her!
You know, we clearly came from and hold the same beliefs. Not once, did a grandma come to visit us either, and I never even thought about it. When we saw our grandmothers/grandparents, we went to see them. In his later years, one of my grandfathers came to stay with us for a short time, and one came to stay for about a week and my father took him ocean fishing. They did not live near to us, but still, we were the ones who visited with them. We do not send birthday cards to nieces and nephews, nor do their aunts and uncles send them to ours. My children's grandparents never sent birthday cards to my kids, nor did our grandparents send them to us. There were never grudges held, or hard feelings. It's just the way things were, things ARE done.
My daughter and grandson live with us, so of course he gets cards and tons of attention from us. Because of this fact, it is highly likely that when they do move into their own place, we will have a much greater bond than some grands/grandchildren. Once again, preconceived expectations cause so many unnecessary emotional turmoils. If only we could all learn to take what we get and not always wish for something different.
OP, I know that it's sad that BFs mom seemed to turn her back on you when you were in a time of need, even down to seeing how HER BF was taking advantage of and screwing you 2 over. To me...that's the worst thing she did. As far as not helping you more...well, hon, she probably did you a HUGE favor. Imagine her holding that crap over you later on! Imagine if she would have helped you out too much and you didn't discover you COULD make it without her!
I have to pick at one point of your post. The only way the mother's boyfriend is screwing them over is if they were owed something they are now not getting. Problem is, they were owed nothing. They got nothing so they got what they were owed. No one got screwed over here, except maybe mom and that's her own fault if it happened.
Why do kids think they are owed what their parents have?
I wonder what the pregnancy history of this woman is? My mom could not get excited about my pregnancies at all. I couldn't understand it at first, but then I remember she had 3 miscarriages and one stillborn child. She was afraid to get emotionally close to the fetuses until after they were born.
We visited grandma but grandma never visited us. I can't say that hurt me one bit. My aunts and uncles don't send birthday cards. Birthdays are celebrated with your immediate family. I can't say that hurt me one bit. After a baby is born, we go see the baby, bring some trinket and then wait for 3 month, 6 month and 9 month pictures to arrive in the mail. It's just the way things are in my family. We come together for special occaisions and then get back to our regularly scheduled lives.
This made me laugh. It's soooooooooo true. My sister recently sent me a text picture of her fourth child on his 2nd birthday. I swear I've only seen him 3 times in his life and they live only an hour way! I even commented to my husband about that when I showed him the picture.
Guess what I did for her when he was born? I went to the hospital and sterilized her hospital room, not because I'm a germ freak but because she is a germ freak. Guess what I did for her when her other three were born? Nada. Zilch. Guess what my siblings did for me when my children were born? Nada. Zilch. We don't DO baby showers in my family. We just don't.
(And remember, I was a single mother who lost my job while pregnant with my second child and I didn't need anyone to give me anything.)
Every few years I send her my hand-me-downs. I'm cleaning out my attic this week. I'll take a truck load of clothes and toys to her house. Guess what? She won't even be home. I'll be leaving it all on her patio, like I usually do when I drop things off. Do I care? No. Not at all.
Don't get me wrong. We love each other. We're still close. But not in the way that other people consider close. We're simply independent. We formed our own healthy families when we married and had our children. Our priorities are in the right place IMO. We keep in touch via phone, text and email----usually sharing funny stories with each other almost daily, but also offering advice and emotional support when needed. We do the usual weddigs, funerals and holidays, and a couple sibling lunches per year because we have busy lives with our own families.
I have to pick at one point of your post. The only way the mother's boyfriend is screwing them over is if they were owed something they are now not getting. Problem is, they were owed nothing. They got nothing so they got what they were owed. No one got screwed over here, except maybe mom and that's her own fault if it happened.
Why do kids think they are owed what their parents have?
Ahhh.... my comment came from something she wrote in either #105 or #106, and is as follows. What an a$$hole!
"We sublet his apartment for a while, he was responsible for half the rent because he still used the apartment, but he didn't pay his share and we almost got evicted. I am the one who does the finances and everything is always taken care of but he made it look like it was all our fault and she bought it...even though the landlord only took him to court for unpaid rent after finding out he was pocketing the money we were giving him for the rent. (I kept all copies of the money orders we bought ). Our utilities got shut off because he also pocketed the money we gave him to pay for it. After that we learned our lesson but then ended up moving out because the guy who owned the house put it on the market."
Of course, if his was the only name on the lease, it's likely that he's the only one the landlord COULD take to court, but if the boyfriend did this... So how does something like this spill out? Did he say, "Hey, I'll move in with YOU and I'll sub-let my place to your kid and his girlfriend. So what? he moves in with mom, rent free, has use of his other place, but has someone living there, paying 1/2 the rent...and utilities, but never pays the landlord any rent....hence, getting her kid evicted? Yeah, sounds like a real frickin winner. Hey? He could be one of my brothers!!
OP, I know that it's sad that BFs mom seemed to turn her back on you when you were in a time of need, even down to seeing how HER BF was taking advantage of and screwing you 2 over. To me...that's the worst thing she did. As far as not helping you more...well, hon, she probably did you a HUGE favor. Imagine her holding that crap over you later on! Imagine if she would have helped you out too much and you didn't discover you COULD make it without her!
That's what my boyfriend said to me....and I know it is true. At the end of the day, there's only one person I can count on and it's him...and vice versa.
I think ones of the reasons why he is kind of upset is that during the divorce process she had nowhere to go and she and her cats moved in with him and his brother and now she could care less about whether we're alive or not...she will call when she needs something. That's it. "I need you to help me move", "I need you to come over and move this piece of furniture for me". She doesn't live around the corner and she knows we can't afford to be driving all over the place but who cares! She needs her things done time NOW.
He hasn't sided with anyone in the divorce like some people have suggested. He was upset that his dad supported his mom, her mom and her sister and still got sh*t on. I do love his dad. He is extremely caring and good hearted. He had a long talk with my boyfriend and gave him a lot of advice about what's about to come and said he will always be there for us. I really appreciate it because I don't have family (that I am close to) anywhere in this country. His girlfriend is a nice lady and has given me a shoulder to cry on when I needed....when both of us needed.
I am just going to let it go. I broke down last night and I could barely sleep. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck. I am horrible I take everything personally and I let it get to me. I need to learn how to deal with things.
Of course, if his was the only name on the lease, it's likely that he's the only one the landlord COULD take to court, but if the boyfriend did this... So how does something like this spill out? Did he say, "Hey, I'll move in with YOU and I'll sub-let my place to your kid and his girlfriend. So what? he moves in with mom, rent free, has use of his other place, but has someone living there, paying 1/2 the rent...and utilities, but never pays the landlord any rent....hence, getting her kid evicted? Yeah, sounds like a real frickin winner. Hey? He could be one of my brothers!!
We were unaware of what was going on until the landlord showed up several weeks later asking us why we weren't paying the rent. I was horrified. I thought it had been taken care of the whole time. Thankfully I save every single receipt for all the money orders we'd gotten and we were able to prove it was not our fault. Of course his mom said it was all a huge mistake. Yeah, he was paying our half of the rent claiming it was HIS half of the rent and making us look bad.
His mom is too naive...She really is, everyone sees that but we don't say anything to her because when people are in love they don't see things the way they are. My father was used by a lot of women back in the day and whenever I tried to open his eyes, he'd get more and more distant.
She didn't know her boyfriend was engaged to someone else. I am the one who found out and she told him "it was over!" but 6 months later he's still there.
She will learn on her own....and we have a feeling it's not going to be pretty.
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