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I got this far in this thread, but now I've got to stop reading.
Are you kidding me?! Everyone in your bf's family (including your bf and you) has done NOTHING BUT BAD MOUTH this woman! Her bf doesn't like her ex? Bad mouths him? And you judge HIM for that? Do you not see how ridiculous and hypocritical that is of YOU?
My boyfriend and I are having a baby in less than 3 weeks.
We were about to be homeless back in February but we were able to redeem ourselves and find a place to live.
My boyfriend lost his job in early April and hasn't been able to find anything ever since. My hours at work change every week because of my high risk pregnancy that has sent me to the Hospital several times...but the money I make is enough to pay for what we need. No luxuries really. We are struggling.
We have gotten a lot of help from his dad (his parents are divorced), my aunt and cousin and even my co-workers who threw me a baby shower and gave us a lot of stuff.
His mother has not given us anything for the baby. Oh, I lied. She gave us a stuffed animal.
I don't like visiting her. All she talks about is buying this and this and this. Doesn't even want to know how we are doing or if we need anything for the baby at all. Whenever he brings something up, she changes the subject to something she wants to do for herself or buy.
I am not handling this very well. She just bought a house and paid the amount up front in cash, she doesn't work, lives off alimony his dad pays her and also disability. She doesn't have a care in the world really. So we know money is not the issue.
Last week she said she was waiting to find out what we needed first; so that she would buy it. She waited 9 months for that? Really? She waited until we got pretty much everything we needed to offer help.
I don't know how to deal with this situation. I am SO bitter.
I am afraid she is going to try and be "Super Grandma" when our daughter is here - don't know why since she hasn't done anything for us at all...and I feel like I am going to blow up.
How should I deal with this situation?
I could understand why your upset..I know this may sound mean..Its not her responsibility to get the baby anything. Now out of common courtesy, and love for her grandchild you think she would do it. Most grandparents want to give to their grandchildren and enjoy doing it. She knows you guys are struggling and her bragging about buying this and that from money I don't think she earned herself is just plain insensitive.
Just like it's not her duty to buy her grandchild anything.
Its also not your duty to let her be super grandma of the year.
Your boyfriend's mother sounds tiresome and self-centered, and her boyfriend sounds like a loser. I'm sad that you don't have a mother figure in your life, but if your boyfriend wants to distance himself from his mother, let that ship sail. Some people are just poison.
Just because "it happens all the time" (break ups, girls lying about who the father is, etc) doesn't give people the right to treat others in a poor way. I am willing to bet "it DOESN'T happen all the time" and we are just more aware of it because of our 24/7/365 addiction to gossip and tv shows. Anyway, I think we should treat people the way we would like to be treated. OP's "MIL" certainly isn't doing this.
Again, you two have damn near enough going on in your OWN lives, to be worrying about what mil has done or WILL do, once that baby gets here. You're both survivors....and SOLDIERS. You're tough, resilient, and determined. Do NOT forget that, okay!? All of your attention needs to be on the here and now and on bringing that little girl into the world safely, and keeping your health up as much as possible. With your fears about her health, perhaps you are trying to create a distraction (your mil?) to distract yourself from what's REALLY bothering you? Well, don't. Everything will probably be just fine...daddy will find a job, and you'll work hard to give your little girl a fabulous home, partially because you both know what it's like to have come from crappy parents, eh? ((((HUGS)))) Hang in there darlin...and get rest when you can. Lord knows, you're gonna need it later.
All of this, what Mel said. You and your boyfriend CAN break this chain of dysfunction in your families. As Hopes has also said up thread, don't get sucked into the drama.
You're young, you're resourceful, it seems like the two of you care a great deal about the environment you're bringing your kid into, and really, that's the main thing.
I think once the baby's here all of this will cease to matter so much. Besides, you'll be too tired to put so much energy into it.
Things are going to come up with family members regarding the baby later down the road, too. She might start having opinions on how you're raising the child. You have to learn how to be polite and respectful but not bothered by any comments she may make about it. You need to figure out what's important and what's not.
The three of you are important. Your boyfriend needs your energy, not his mom or his mom's boyfriend. If you think he's of questionable character, again - just be polite but keep your distance. Perhaps it's a good thing grandma is a little stand offish. It could be worse. They could be smothering you instead.
Just because "it happens all the time" (break ups, girls lying about who the father is, etc) doesn't give people the right to treat others in a poor way. I am willing to bet "it DOESN'T happen all the time" and we are just more aware of it because of our 24/7/365 addiction to gossip and tv shows. Anyway, I think we should treat people the way we would like to be treated. OP's "MIL" certainly isn't doing this.
Perhaps some of us just choose to live like the whole world lives in that same little "perfect world" vacuum. The reality is....you're putting yourself out on a limb to get overly attached to a grandchild until it's made it into the world...FACT! I've got a cremated daughter in my bedroom who is a testimony to that .....FACT! That child is not here and surviving....YET! I have a BIL who paid child support for kids who were HIS....for YEARS, until he found out they, in fact, belonged to 2 other guys! A classmate of my son's, just lost his nephew to a tragic act of parental violence from his father...only to find out upon autopsy, when the mother FINALLY changed her story from "he's definitely, positively, YOURS"...to, "He might not have been yours!" The DNA results came in...lo and behold, nope, the man who shook his child (who died), was NOT the father...in spite of her constant pleas and professions otherwise, for 6 months!
These are not isolated incidents....and this woman is NOT mistreating her son and his girlfriend, she is simply "unattached". She might be a toxic person...she actually sounds like she very well may be incredibly selfish and self-centered, but it MAY be all she has to give. It may be who SHE is. The whole point here is that you do NOT allow someone to cause you undue stress and grief, just because they're not who you want them to be. She is who she IS. Just because someone is about to become a grandmother, it doesn't mean that she's going to all of a sudden, become this doting, cooing, giving human being. She is who she IS and probably who she's always been. This expecting couple need to worry about what kind of parents THEY are going to be, and stop wishing the grandmothers were someone else!
I've got a niece (a verified one, from the same mother who lied to my bil). She just had her second child. Her mother was a selfish, immature, drug addict who slept around with anyone who'd buy her drugs at the time. Her daughter is heartbroken, because she thought she'd "change", since she'd become a grandmother. Well, the woman was smoking dope and partying with her daughters when they were teenagers, she was more interested in having a "good time" than she ever was in being a MOTHER. As heartbreaking as it is for my niece to not have a "grandmother" for her children, it is reality! The woman is NOT maternal material. Just about anyone can breed and reproduce...but not everyone is fit to be a parent, OR a grandparent....FACT!
It is NOT important for this baby to have a relationship with a grandmother. Many, many children, for one reason or another, do not. They do just fine!
However, a forced relationship where the grandmother is just not interested, is a bad situation. The child becomes aware of the lack of concern early. This usually results in the child feeling that the problem is himself, not the disinterested grandparent. Children don't understand the complex situations that befall the adult world.
I think that the sooner that the OP cuts her expectations of this woman, the better for her, the BF and most of all, the baby.
I got this far in this thread, but now I've got to stop reading.
Are you kidding me?! Everyone in your bf's family (including your bf and you) has done NOTHING BUT BAD MOUTH this woman! Her bf doesn't like her ex? Bad mouths him? And you judge HIM for that? Do you not see how ridiculous and hypocritical that is of YOU?
Two words... lost cause.
The double standards are glaringly obvious, aren't they?
But like I said, her choosing not to help really tells me what type of a person she is.
What kind of person is that? She's not obligated to help and she's chosen not to help. Why does that make her a certain kind of person? People have every right to choose not to do things that are optional and they shouldn't be judeged for that.
It is NOT important for this baby to have a relationship with a grandmother. Many, many children, for one reason or another, do not. They do just fine!
However, a forced relationship where the grandmother is just not interested, is a bad situation. The child becomes aware of the lack of concern early. This usually results in the child feeling that the problem is himself, not the disinterested grandparent. Children don't understand the complex situations that befall the adult world.
I think that the sooner that the OP cuts her expectations of this woman, the better for her, the BF and most of all, the baby.
That really depends. The only time I saw either of my grandmothers was when we went to visit them. There's nothing wrong with that. I never wondered why grandma never came to visit. I just, assumed, that the way it's done is you visit grandma.
I do agree the OP needs to ditch the expectations. Her boyfriend's mother owes her and her baby nothing. Anything she chooses to do is optional.
I think part of the problem is the OP comes from a dysfunctional family and doesn't know how a functional family operates. Hence the unrealistic expectations. All families are different. They do things their own way. We visited grandma but grandma never visited us. I can't say that hurt me one bit. My aunts and uncles don't send birthday cards. Birthdays are celebrated with your immediate family. I can't say that hurt me one bit. After a baby is born, we go see the baby, bring some trinket and then wait for 3 month, 6 month and 9 month pictures to arrive in the mail. It's just the way things are in my family. We come together for special occaisions and then get back to our regularly scheduled lives.
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Everything will probably be just fine...daddy will find a job, and you'll work hard to give your little girl a fabulous home, partially because you both know what it's like to have come from crappy parents, eh? ((((HUGS)))) Hang in there darlin...and get rest when you can. Lord knows, you're gonna need it later. 
