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Who doessn't need to feel validated at least occasionally? Validation is not the same thing as appeasing.
I don't. I dont' get it. What IS validating if not appeasing. What if what you are thinking is not valid? What is validation? I would rather be told straight what's what.
You're assuming DD needs to feel understood/valued, but it could very well be that she wants to be bratty/selfish at that moment. What you're suggesting actually is appeasing her.
I'm sure the girl could've gone without it for a few hours... and the calculator doesn't belong to her, it belongs to her mother. I'm sure it would've been returned to her.
It seems like that's what the OP has been doing in the past (assuming her daughter is being selfish and bratty) and that's clearly not working for her, so IMO, it's time to do things differently.
Um, no....try reading the posts I've answered. I 've been talking about changing the way I handle dd. You're just choosing to ignore that because I think you are wrong. What I'm doign is not taking advice I know won't work. I don't need to hear finger pointing. It accomplishes nothing other than making the poster, somehow, feel better about themselves for having done it.
you know, this really makes me angry. I have spent a lot of time on this thread this weekend because I think there is a teenage girl out there in the world who needs help, and a mom who needs help, enough to have come here asking for advice. "Thank you" would be the appropriate response, not making up some ulterior motive that for some reason we all seem to have. Why is it so hard for you to believe we might actually want to help? It would serve you right if the next time you ask for help, you get nothing but crickets from this board. The results would be the same, and we'd all save a lot of time and energy.
I don't. I dont' get it. What IS validating if not appeasing. What if what you are thinking is not valid? What is validation? I would rather be told straight what's what.
I'm looking for a link, I'll be back when I find a decent one.
In the meantime, validation is noticing and describing (without judgment) someone else's experience. It is not agreeing with it, catering to it, appeasing it, or acting in accordance with it. It is an act of acknowldegment rather than an act of agreement. For example, all emotions are valid.The emotion may be totally unjustified by the circumstances, but you can validate (I.e., observe and then describe) that the person is angry, even if you think they shouldn't be. Having a thought is valid, even though the content of that thought may not be. You can validate that the person thinks something, without agreeing that it is true. In some therapies, validation is used to let the other person know that you do see where they are coming from before jumping in to tell them that they need to do something differently and/or to prevent the emotion from escalating into behaviors that are not valid (throwing things, breaking things, tantrumming, what have you). Validation can go a long way from moving two people entrenched in polar opposite "you're wrong-no, you're wrong" - the less understood or listened to each party feels, the more likely they are to get more extremely entrenched in their own position, even taking more extreme polarized positions. No problems get solved that way. Validation is kind of a tool that can be used to maintain relationships (especially when there is a lot of conflict) and allow the strategies needed for problem solving and discipline to be employed, if that makes sense.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 06-10-2012 at 05:49 PM..
I'm looking for a link, I'll be back when I find a decent one.
In the meantime, validation is noticing and describing someone else's experience.
Oh. I get that. That is not something like empathy? The word "validating" has the root valid which means-ish right. It sounds like asserting rightness.
But if it means what you say that I can see the value in that. I can strongly agree that that is valuable.
You're assuming DD needs to feel understood/valued, but it could very well be that she wants to be bratty/selfish at that moment. What you're suggesting actually is appeasing her.
I'm sure the girl could've gone without it for a few hours... and the calculator doesn't belong to her, it belongs to her mother. I'm sure it would've been returned to her.
What was the result of Ivory dismissing her daughter's concern over the calculator? Let's see..... A big drama ensued. A drama that IMO has nothing to do with the calculator and everything to do with her daughter feeling time after time that her sister is the favored golden child. It really doesn't matter if that's true or not. Her perception of things is reality to her.
Appeasing her would be bowing to her drama if she had to surrender the calculator. Validating her would have been to consider her concern and attempting to find another solution. Sure DD could go without the calculator for a few hours. But, it seems to me that in dealing with a kid who feels inferior and "left out" (Ivory's words) of her family, erring on the side of making sure she feels heard and valued is not a bad thing. Perhaps if Ivory had said " Wow! I'm impressed you're thinking ahead about studying for exams. I'll find another calculator for your sister to use", she could have sent a positive message to her daughter.
No, only ones that help. I told you I'd ignore crap and I am. Some here just want to call me names, but I knew that would happen, and that helps nothing. People like that are best ignored and will continue to be.
Wow. Lots of people take the time to respond to your thread and you call it crap. Who's name-calling again?
you know, this really makes me angry. I have spent a lot of time on this thread this weekend because I think there is a teenage girl out there in the world who needs help, and a mom who needs help, enough to have come here asking for advice. "Thank you" would be the appropriate response, not making up some ulterior motive that for some reason we all seem to have. Why is it so hard for you to believe we might actually want to help? It would serve you right if the next time you ask for help, you get nothing but crickets from this board. The results would be the same, and we'd all save a lot of time and energy.
I cannot figure out how to rep with a comment. Or I would. I guess I can rep you without! It is frustrating. But it is what it is.
Um, no....try reading the posts I've answered. I 've been talking about changing the way I handle dd. You're just choosing to ignore that because I think you are wrong. What I'm doign is not taking advice I know won't work. I don't need to hear finger pointing. It accomplishes nothing other than making the poster, somehow, feel better about themselves for having done it.
You sound very much like DD1. Very much.
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It would serve you right if the next time you ask for help, you get nothing but crickets from this board. The results would be the same, and we'd all save a lot of time and energy.
