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I have an older son from a previous marriage. When i married my first husband we were young and silly and star eyed. We decided to only have 1 kid, i felt fulfilled and like my family was complete. Then a few years later we realized we were just young and dumb and ill matched and got a divorce. When i remarried i knew I wanted more children. What i originally thought was happiness with 1 child, it was just that i didnt want to expand my family with that guy. So me and my husband had a baby. He has his own children too. And our son is the glue that binds our family.
There is nothing wrong with it.
Being young and dumb doesn't make your story the best example.
My friend had a troubled first marriage. Her kids were affected by it. She also was on her phone all the time and didn’t always pay attention to them. They were very badly behaved. After so many fights, and break ups she finally split with her husband and met and married a new man. She told me she couldn’t be married to this new guy and not give him a child so she got pregnant and had a new kid. This new child became their world and her other kids further neglected. Now her 2 children from her first marriage are teens and screwed up. Drugs, ditching school, stealing etc....people told her to not have the 3rd kid and now she doesn’t speak to them. Even her own parents who said it was a terrible idea. I kind of agree with them but won’t tell her that. Why do women think they have to give a man a child? Sometimes if isn’t always right. Sometimes it can be a bit selfish. Would it have been a better choice to give more attention to her 2 children?
Some people are simply horrible at parenting. I see examples of it every day at work, people come in with their kids and then let the kids run around, completely out of control. It seems some parents have this twisted idea that you are supposed to let kids express themselves and if you correct them you are hurting their development.
Every so often I will see parents who keep their kids by their side, watch over them, and the kids are well behaved. I will even thank those parents for being GOOD PARENTS, and tell them how well mannered their children are. This is the way I raised mine, and they turned out to be kind, sensible, and productive adults.
The OP said the older children were into drugs, stealing and ditching school and I have read how children need to learn how to be responsible by having more freedom. Or how the best parents have children who screw up. Is being into drugs, stealing, or ditching school just screw ups? It does appear to me that the children have all the freedom they want.
I don't see that this situation has anything to do with "freedom". If she was an ineffective mother or the kids just turned out screwed up for some other reason, that's a shame, but how exactly is having a child with the second husband in and of itself a factor in how the first two are behaving?
About the wanting to give the new man children: I have often seen, in low socioeconomic settings, young women who have already had 3,4,5 kids by age 21, often by multiple men, requesting tubal ligation, and being refused it by the OBGYN because, "As soon as she meets the next boyfriend, she's going to want to give him a child, and will regret having had the tubal ligation."
Of course, no one worked. Not the mom, not the "baby daddies", no one.
Exactly, but most don’t request a tubal ligation anyway. They just just keep having babies even though most are on state aid and couldn’t survive without it. If a person can’t afford to pay for the kids they already have without assistance they shouldn’t be allowed to have more. Unfortunately there’s no way to stop it.
The OP said the older children were into drugs, stealing and ditching school and I have read how children need to learn how to be responsible by having more freedom. Or how the best parents have children who screw up. Is being into drugs, stealing, or ditching school just screw ups? It does appear to me that the children have all the freedom they want.
Not sure why you're tying all this together.
If your children show responsibility and trustworthiness, you give them incremental amounts of more freedoms and autonomy.
If your children go off the right path, you can become a commando parent and try to get them back on track.
Sometimes it's impossible and you just try to keep them alive, out of jail and through school and hope they finally get it and become responsible adults.
If your children show responsibility and trustworthiness, you give them incremental amounts of more freedoms and autonomy.
If your children go off the right path, you can become a commando parent and try to get them back on track.
Sometimes it's impossible and you just try to keep them alive, out of jail and through school and hope they finally get it and become responsible adults.
Exactly. No one is talking about leaving 5 year olds to their own devices. It's done incrementally along with being given the responsibility of being held accountable for the choices they make along the way.
It's also important to note that most of the posts about "freedom" (though I agree thus is not really the best descriptor) are in response to a posters comment that he/she had "complete control" over their children because that was their job.
Last edited by maciesmom; 02-12-2020 at 09:17 AM..
It just shocks me sometimes to see women in their 40s having another kid. I have heard of course sometimes it happened accidentally. But that was back in the day when people weren’t on birth control. It is becoming more normalized to wait until later or keep on having them into ones 40s. I get it, not everyone meets someone in their 20s or even 30s but plenty of people think they can put motherhood off for selfish reasons now as well.
The person I gave the example of earlier. Apparently her two boys with hubby 1 weren’t enough for her so she had a baby with new hubby. That still wasn’t enough and she had another. At 41 as well. Sorry but I’ll judge. Not to mention she’s in for a very busy life. Hope she had the energy.
It just shocks me sometimes to see women in their 40s having another kid. I have heard of course sometimes it happened accidentally. But that was back in the day when people weren’t on birth control. It is becoming more normalized to wait until later or keep on having them into ones 40s. I get it, not everyone meets someone in their 20s or even 30s but plenty of people think they can put motherhood off for selfish reasons now as well.
The person I gave the example of earlier. Apparently her two boys with hubby 1 weren’t enough for her so she had a baby with new hubby. That still wasn’t enough and she had another. At 41 as well. Sorry but I’ll judge. Not to mention she’s in for a very busy life. Hope she had the energy.
Do you have the same opinion of men who have children later in life? Because I'd guess that happens much more frequently and has forever.
It just shocks me sometimes to see women in their 40s having another kid. I have heard of course sometimes it happened accidentally. But that was back in the day when people weren’t on birth control. It is becoming more normalized to wait until later or keep on having them into ones 40s. I get it, not everyone meets someone in their 20s or even 30s but plenty of people think they can put motherhood off for selfish reasons now as well.
The person I gave the example of earlier. Apparently her two boys with hubby 1 weren’t enough for her so she had a baby with new hubby. That still wasn’t enough and she had another. At 41 as well. Sorry but I’ll judge. Not to mention she’s in for a very busy life. Hope she had the energy.
What maciesmom said. Why do people always attack the women/moms. Last I heard it takes two to make a baby and both mom and dad are responsible for parenting.
And what difference does it make as long as you want them and can afford to care for them.
Is having a first child at 40 different than having the 3rd or 4th at 40?
I dont understand this selfish reasons business. What are selfish reasons to have children and what are selfless or altruistic reasons?
I knew someone would bring up the man thing. It’s just different, I’m sorry. There’s more risks for a woman having kids in her 40s than there is for a man. That’s just the way it is. There are simply some things that men are able to do that women can’t. Don’t blame me for saying that. Men don’t have the biological clock that women have when it comes to having kids. Women over 35 are more at risk for miscarriages and chromosomal abnormalities.
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