At our wits end dealing with our son during lockdown...

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by eschaton

As a little update, tonight after dinner we realized that my son had gotten into and destroyed something of my wife's that was hidden under the bed in the playroom (an art project she made in graduate school which really had sentimental value for her). She blew her top at him - I was a bit worried she was going to smack him - she was throwing toys at him and such. She made him clean up the entire playroom (I secretly helped, because it was way too messy for him to clean up before bedtime) then she sent him to bed with no blankets or stuffed animals as punishment.

To make it clear, it's not like I leave him totally by himself all day. The typical schedule is something like this:

7:15 - I wake him up, dress him, get him breakfast, have him take his Vyvanse.
8:15 - I send him to the playroom.
9:00 - I collect him for morning meeting (online conference call) with his teacher/class.
9:45 - I send him back to the playroom
11:00 - Second class of the day. Typically a 30-minute online session of Music/Art/Gym/Library
11:30 - Send him back to the playroom again:
12:00 - Head down for lunch
1:00 - We work on schoolwork:
2:00 - 5:00 largely unstructured time he spends in the playroom. I usually check in on him every 30 minutes or so.
5:00 - I start making dinner (I'm the cook in the household), and normal evening routine starts - which caps off with his going to bed by 8:00.

Really I think the afternoon block is where things often go awry, because it's the only large period of time he's left by himself. Otherwise he's just left alone for 30-45 minute blocks.

I generally find he's better behaved if I let him watch a tablet. Often if it's something he's seen before he will not really pay close attention to it, just letting it play in the background. My wife tends to think of the tablet more as a "privilege" type of thing though. If he makes a mess in the playroom she'll take it away, and tell him that he won't get it back until he cleans the room, and then leave him alone in the room. This never really works, because he has about a 30-second attention span, and as soon as someone leaves the room he'll get distracted away from cleaning onto something else. He'll often start acting out even more if he doesn't have some show to watch as well. I'm not entirely sure how much of this is by accident, versus on purpose.

I have a couple thoughts.

Why do you wake him up? Let him sleep until he needs to get up for class.

Have you tried/discussed treating his ADD with medication?

We are in survival mode. Screens will not kill him. If it keeps him occupied, I say do what you need to do.

One of you might need to take FMLA or vacation time.

[Dongroth]

I agree on getting some type of sitter to be with him during the times when you can't. The other idea is to have some one who can be with him virtually like a grandparent who could zoom with him to read to him, play a game, talk, sing and have some fun with him for a couple hours virtually.

I work with children and adults in dealing with anxiety and just about all of them are dealing with the negative messages they got as a child. It affects them their whole life, self esteem and confidence are shot and need to be rebuilt. The words and action you do with a six year old can become the basis or foundation of their life.

Their is a period in every person's life called the sponge years, most believe it to be from about 0 - 5 years old. I believe sponge years go from 0 - 27 years old because we now understand that the brain is not fully formed until the late 20s. The years from 0 - 10 the child brain is absorbing everything from the "authorities" (parents usually the biggest influence but teachers, ministers and relative can play a role here) and absorbing without filters or knowing how to handle things. So they are basically taking in everything pretty much verbatim. So in their eyes the "authorities" are the ones that are suppose to be teaching what is "right" because again in their eyes that is what parents do. Yet when something that is said or done doesn't feel right to that young child, they don't know what do to do with it and so they do not put it on the parents they take it against themselves "I must be a bad boy because I made mom mad" or "if it wasn't for me mom and dad would be happy" or "I must be a terrible kid and that is why dad hit me" (these are messages I have heard from kids).

A young child, with most punishments, responds in two ways - one is resentment "I will show them the next time I won't get caught" or "why do I even bother they don't listen or care". Two is self abuse - "I must be a terrible kid that is why they did that. I am no good" Either way their self confidence and self esteem take a major hit which becomes the basis for the rest of their lives. A trauma to a small child can be a simple as a negative word spoken.

Do you invest in the stock market? Do you have a "401k" future investment plan? If you are willing to invest for the future with money so that you have a good nest egg later in life. What about your greatest investment that will pay such wonderful dividends later on? Your children. Remember too they will be your parent one day, how do you want them to parent you?

The last thing I am going to suggest you get a book (audio is good) called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber Mazlish (there is one for little kids and teens). The concepts of this book are fantastic and apply so much in today's world. Understand the examples used are a little dated but again the ideas and concepts are spot on. I don't mean this as any type of judgement because I have been through the gambit with two kids with severe OCD and been through hell and back with OCD. I just hope this helps and I bless you all for I know you are doing the best you can.

[photobuff42]

Any update from the OP? Maybe things have calmed since lockdown is beginning to ease?