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Old 05-12-2020, 11:20 AM
 
1,959 posts, read 567,322 times
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I’m still not sure why they haven’t resorted to turning the tv on? Seems much healthier to watch tv than an angry mother throwing toys at the kid.
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Old 05-12-2020, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,404 posts, read 46,693,254 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
I’m still not sure why they haven’t resorted to turning the tv on? Seems much healthier to watch tv than an angry mother throwing toys at the kid.
Sounds like they have, but ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post

... he doesn't understand as it is that I can't sit there with him and watch Netflix shows/play with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post

My wife tends to think of the tablet more as a "privilege" type of thing though. If he makes a mess in the playroom she'll take it away, and tell him that he won't get it back until he cleans the room, and then leave him alone in the room.
The Wife Who's Always Right has the definitive view on that.
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Old 05-12-2020, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Rhode Island
7,294 posts, read 11,765,133 times
Reputation: 7339
Quote:
Originally Posted by in_newengland View Post
I used to be a first grade teacher and when I first started out, there were not many labels or diagnoses handed out. A lot of kids that age can't handle being alone for hours at a time. Some can and they are the quiet type who will sit and read or watch something on a tablet. But more commonly, kids at that age have an attention span of about 15-20 minutes. We always changed lessons or topics every 15-20 minutes in class.

He doesn't sound that abnormal (or maybe it's from what I saw when teaching) and a lot of kids would be just as bad. He sounds angry though. Angry because (we don't know.) But your wife yelling at him and throwing things at him will only make him more angry.

You need some kind of intervention. These are hard times anyway but if only someone could play with him for a few hours. He sounds like he needs some physical activity to help him deal with the excess energy. Kids used to play outside--maybe play ball or some kind of physical activity. He doesn't sound like the quiet type of kid who will just sit there. Probably nothing wrong with that except that he isn't getting his needs met by being told to stay alone and be quiet. Not by getting yelled at either. He might do better if he could look forward to a couple of hours of outdoor activity every single day. To earn it, he needs to buckle down and do what is expected the rest of the time.

I hope there's a way someone can come over and play some sports with him or otherwise get him active and wear him out.
Wow! Finally the voice of reason.
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Old 05-12-2020, 01:47 PM
 
Location: St Clair Shores, Michigan
203 posts, read 221,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
My wife is one of those people who believes she is in the right about everything. I can literally remember times when my wife has broken something - in front of me - and blamed me for it, then gotten furious when I wouldn't accept responsibility. We were in marriage counseling when my daughter was little, but things got better. Though I'll admit part of it is she's just shifted the yelling from being 100% directed at me to only 33% directed at me.

I think your wife needs to seek out mental help for herself. That is not normal, in any way, shape or form. Aside from the "throwing toys" at a 6 year old and doing nothing but yelling. If she also does not have ADHD I would be absolutely stunned.



You need to grow a set and protect your child, even if she will not seek out help for her own behavior. Your *6* year old does not have the ability to protect himself and things will continue to spiral out of control, with lasting consequences for everyone, including your daughter who will remember this time and the actions of adults who should have been protectors for her entire life.
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Central IL
16,786 posts, read 9,983,411 times
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Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
I would make the 10yr old sister watch him for the alone time...i can't believe no one else suggested this.
NO! Don't make her responsible for her brother - that's about the worst thing you can do in a family where one kid has issues. Unless you just want her to be the tattle-tailer to run get you or mom when he tries to kill himself, her or the cat! And think what a great relationship the two of them will have!
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:29 PM
 
Location: State of Washington (2016)
3,977 posts, read 2,666,413 times
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Two words: the wife. You are sacrificing the well being of your children in order to placate your wife. That is no different than a woman allowing a man to verbally and/or physically abuse her and staying with him supposedly for the sake of the children. Hire a good, experienced nanny and seek marriage counseling if you want to stay with your wife. Is it that she makes way more money than you do and you are afraid of a different lifestyle or having to raise your children alone? Guess what, many women have had to make those hard choices and are better off for it.

You sound like a basically decent, intelligent person but not living up to your full potential as a mature man. Being a real man or a real woman isn't easy, but you have two innocent children who depend on you and would like to look up to you. Make some real changes for their sakes, put yourself in their shoes. Start trying to assert yourself and take an adult stand with your wife. Spend more time with your children because they need you and you want to, not because you have to. Your son desperately needs you. Since the whole family is housebound, now is the time to turn things arounds.
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:37 PM
 
14,087 posts, read 8,626,498 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
My wife is one of those people who believes she is in the right about everything. I can literally remember times when my wife has broken something - in front of me - and blamed me for it, then gotten furious when I wouldn't accept responsibility. We were in marriage counseling when my daughter was little, but things got better. Though I'll admit part of it is she's just shifted the yelling from being 100% directed at me to only 33% directed at me.
And you're still married... Why?

Things have gotten better because she only yells at you 33% of the time? Does that mean the other 66% of yelling is directed at your kids? That is not okay.

Quote:
Frankly both my kids take after her when it comes to that, and are also very opinionated/argumentative/think things should always go their way.
Because they is the behavoir your wife is modeling for your 2 children. They think it's acceptable, when it's not.

Quote:
Often I need to physically restrain him in order to stop him from wiggling away, and I'm always worried someone will see the camera and think I'm abusing him or something.
In my zoom classes (with 5 year olds), not all of them are constantly paying attention. They move around, and that is ok. They're not in the classroom, they're in their homes.

Some of my students are eating. If you waited to give him breakfast during that time, would he be more still while he ate and watched? If he needs to eat early because of his medication, maybe a snack?

Some do the Zoom on a phone, and are walking around their house most of the time. That could work if he doesn't want to stay still in front of a computer. Put it on his tablet, and let him move around some.

Or they have a small toy, stuffed animal, or something that helps with their distraction. Does he have items that helps with his fidgiting?


Quote:
This is the curriculum the district put together. Kindergarteners do not get graded, but his teacher had no issue with his work, called him advanced, and was going to suggest him for gifted. His only real issue is his handwriting is terrible (and he can't draw really either - his drawings look like a kid half his age).

The 11:00 class is always some sort of enrichment thing (music/gym/art/library). By this time, unlike the 9:00 meeting, the Vyvanse has kicked in and he'll usually sit still, but he doesn't really want to participate in anything for some reason. Yesterday I finally cajoled him into clapping along a bit during music, which was the first time he did anything other than just sullenly sitting there.
I didn't mean with his school curriculum, but structured activities you and your wife could come up with to keep him busy throughout the day. Art projects, exercise videos ( like Go Noodle or Cosmic Kids Yoga)... Something for him to do besides just being sent to the playroom to figure out what to do on his own for almost 6 hours a day.

Quote:
I offered last night to double my daughter's allowance if she'd watch him during the afternoons. She said yes, but then my wife told me I couldn't do that.
She's right. Your son is yours and your wife's responsibility. If you can't handle him, how is a 10 year old supposed to?
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:43 PM
 
14,087 posts, read 8,626,498 times
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Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
I think it’s ok for a 6 year old to be left alone to play independently in the yard or house as long as they’re safe. I keep seeing people say he shouldn’t be left alone because he’s 6. It’s not like they’re leaving the house, but they should be able to leave a room. At 6 kids should be able to put together legos, blocks, color, do a puzzle or heck look at an iPad. They’re not 2 or 3.
Yes, typically a 6 year old should be fine playing independently. It's not that he should never be left alone, it's that he's being left alone for 5.5+ hours everyday when he is used to being in school and being around his peers. Suddenly, he's stuck inside and left to his own devices for a majority of the day.

Even I as a grown adult with no diagnosises would end up going crazy after a few weeks if I kept being sent to the same room to stay in for the majority of the day, everyday.
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Old 05-12-2020, 03:25 PM
 
2,274 posts, read 1,324,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
NO! Don't make her responsible for her brother - that's about the worst thing you can do in a family where one kid has issues. Unless you just want her to be the tattle-tailer to run get you or mom when he tries to kill himself, her or the cat! And think what a great relationship the two of them will have!
Huh? I'm not seeing that the kid 'has issues'. Sounds like a normal kid to me. And he really only needs help for a few hours a day. If 5.5 hours I would try to make it work with Sister watching him 3 (maybe spaced out at 1.5hr/ time) and splitting the rest of the time between husband and wife. I don't think its unreasonable or even that tough for a 10yr old to watch her Brother for 1.5hrs.
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Old 05-12-2020, 03:30 PM
 
Location: Ontario->NY->CT
25 posts, read 4,577 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
I would make the 10yr old sister watch him for the alone time...i can't believe no one else suggested this.
If the adults responsible for him are unable or unwilling to handle the situation, pushing the responsibility onto a 10-year-old child is about the worst idea ever. It is incredibly irresponsible and unfair to both of them, and will only lead to resentment between the two of them. I’ve know other parents who have resorted to this (sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of laziness) and it can do irreparable damage to the sibling relationship.

OP: a couple of suggestions.

First talk to his teacher about how flexible you can be with schoolwork; is he expected to be logged in at a specific time each day? If so, talk to his teacher about the situation and work it out so he can do his schoolwork in the evenings and on weekends, when either you or your wife are off duty from work. I was able to negotiate this with my oldest child’s teachers, and it took a lot of pressure off of all of us.

Second, I know this won’t be a popular suggestion, but here goes: talk to his doctor about his medication and whether his dose should be temporarily adjusted, or perhaps switch medications for a while?

Whatever you decide to do, the important thing is he NEEDS structure and routine to feel secure and safe. Any child that age does, but particularly a child with special needs. If your wife won’t help, put her on the back burner for now and work on improving the home environment for your children.
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