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Brilliant points (bolded). When they started criminalizing fatherhood, it put the death knell into the black family and the family in general.
Not being black but white..it does not matter- These forms of social control are as old as the hills. My younger brother had a problem a few years back..He was "criminalized" for kicking out a hand full of teenagers - who he viewed as unsavory..There were friends of his step son...Goths in full make up...engaging in sex and drugs...My brother had two infant sons in the house- He said to them- I want you to leave- my house is not a Halloween party...He raised his voice because they were ignoring him....The step son who was quite eccentric..and imagined himself as shrewd - filed a false police report saying an assault had taken place. This was not true. The kid knew the system and simply thought he could get rid of him.
The police came and removed him..in essence for protecting his own children from what he considered was a bad environment. My brother ended up losing a home he was in the process of building...The mother stayed silent and started milking the system...She thought some how she could turn a profit on the situation...This mother out of spite handed the two infant boys over to a child protection agency...AND quietly stood by as they persecuted my brother and tormented what he loved most- The children...
The mothers plan back fired - Her misplaced loyalty to her son (the step son) did not server her well...
I have told this story before- We filed suit against the protection agency and it took 7 months to get the kids back- They held them illegally without a protection order and only in the last month did they obtain one in order to save face.
The law suit continued for 5 full years- we took the matter to the Supreme Court Of Canada. They understood that the whole matter was based on a fraud...they understood that family law lawyers had colluded...They understood that my brother was a good and protective father- But- that did not matter to them...In the end they came up with a twisted ruling that consisted of - A father really does not have the right to know anything- and that the state has every right to remove his authority over this own offspring.
Oddly enough enough the family is united in full...and all are doing well- BUT this attack on the father who was defiant...and would not submit to the authority of others - even when coerced through his children...had the end result of NOT owning their own home..renting - and not being able to fully recover their former status.
The advice I gave my brother was _ no matter what- do not give into emotion - do not let them control you through what you love- be prepared to lose everything in order to maintain your dignity and freedom..and never lie in court- We became during that period a holy terror those who wanted authority over the family though the children...Most fathers would have given in like beaten dogs- all in the sake of being with their own kids...It was difficult but it was the best route to take.
My father and mother immigrated out of the old Soviet Union back in 1949 to escape this type of socialism...and I thought to myself- out of respect and memory of parents- That no way in hell did my family travel half way around the world to end up in a place where the same socialist mindset re-surfaced and was about to interfere with our freedom. It was an INSULT to the memory of the grandparents of these two infant boys involved- we stood our ground and fought- Two brothers -back to back- Fought for the honor and dignity of the family - Of our family.
We fought for fatherhood...We may not have won- but we bloodied their noses..A couple of years after this was over- one of the boys acted up in school- The teachers looked at the records..and sent some social worker types to my brother...They were coming in for a punitive attack...My brother met with them and suggested..."I am sure you mean well- but I suggest that you back off and go away...if not I am prepared to do again what ever it takes- I will sue you like I did the last lot" - They were not expecting a hero in the form of a father- They expected some submissive person in fear of losing their children.
These people will only attack the lion that they assume has no teeth- Once they see teeth- they run like self preserving rats...These people never came back- They were not in the mood to spend 500 thousand lawyers fees- in order to defend them selves...The boys are now 12 and 13...spoiled little brats- but they have a dad.....and DAD is now having the adventure and the joy of fatherhood- WOULD I DO IT AGAIN.....? no...the fight in the protection of my brother and his kids burned me out- I payed dearly for my defiance.
Another married Black woman checking in. Why I don't like to bring up the days of slavery, it is HUGE when discussing the phenomenon of the single black mother. White men were the first absentee baby daddies.
Slaves were only allowed to marry at the master's consent and even then, families could be ripped apart. Black mothers have had a default title of "single mother" since we arrive in America. The role of the black man as a husband was devalued to the point of not even being necessary. When you have women who, generation upon generation, are forced into the position of being the head of the household, this is what happens. You have women who feel they don't need a man because their great-grandmother/grandmother/mother did it all and they managed "just fine". For some, "just fine" is good enough.
And I would love to see abortion vs. live birth stats. It would seem to me that women of a higher socio-economic class would be more inclined to have an abortion (and thus not become a single mother). Minority women seem more likely to keep, rather than abort, their child.
One thing I'd like to add is that the stats on single motherhood can be a bit misleading. I grew up poor and knew of many women who lived with the father of their children, but it was not reported because it would cut off government aid. Don't assume that most of these children are fatherless...they've just found a way to cheat the system.
I was just about to make this point. Other than calipoppy, natalyjones, myself, maybe you (I vaguely recall you mentioning a wife, but I could be wrong), and maybe 2-3 others, there aren't a lot of black women posting regularly on C-D, especially on the P&OC forum. Who knows how many married black women will ever see this thread.
I'm a black woman but I am single and have no children.
The question really should be: Why does any woman consent to have sex with a man who has no intention of marrying them? Aside from the obvious rapes, NO is a word that, I believe, *all* women have in their vocabulary.
20yrsinBranson
This is a really dumb question. No one waits until they are married or in a committed relationship to have sex. What a stupid thing to ask
[quote=residinghere2007;25303608] Why do you think it is irresponsible of a media publication to publish the words of someone they are interviewing? That is a ridiculous statement.
Mary: Essence has a right to publish whatever they wish. I am not however under any obligation to support articles/messages that I do not agree with; therefore, I canceled my subscription.
Also wanted to ask, since it seems you did read the article, do you think Nia's children are suffering due to not having married parents? She seems fine with me. She is not using public assistance. She lives with the father of her youngest child. She has a good co-parenting relationship with the father of her oldest child.
Mary: Nia Long is an adult woman and therefore free to do whatever she wishes with her body. By all accounts, she has more than enough financial resources to take care of herself and children. Since I do not personally know Long, I have no knowledge of her "babies daddies" co-parenting commitments, but I hope for the children's sake, they are actively involved.
You are in no position to judge another and especially not a publication.
Mary: As a soon to be Mom, I am in a position to judge what's best for me and I choose not to subscribe to publications which endorse lifestyles that I don't agree with.
Contrary to what you have mentioned on this thread, Essence has published women on its over page that are married. Mainstream magazines (predominately white and even hispanic focused magazines) like Essence have published a variety of people in various relationships from gay to single moms to single dads to those who are married.
Mary: Yes, but I'm especially passionate about this particular issue, because I want the best for all children. Essence seemed to relish in promoting Long's single/independent mom disposition and that rubbed me the wrong way. It's one thing to simply report on an issue, but they took it a step further by endorsing her private lifestyle choices.
I do think it is good that you (hopefully) are just "into" this topic because you want to help out black women/families. Personally though, I don't think that is behind your motives. I also don't understand how you want to write a book about this topic yet you want to basically censor what another publication does in their own magazine. That would be like someone telling you that you cannot write about inter-racial marriage. Many people have a low view of inter-racial marriage and consider it detrimental to offspring who will be confused about their racial identity (these are not my views BTW, but I know people and have heard people say these sorts of comments and take these particular POVs and FWIW, I have argued with them that all people can be confused just like I am arguing with you that all single mom's are not horrible parents).
Mary: I don't wish to censor Essence, I simply have no interest in financially supporting them. Just as I'm sure, some won't have an interest in reading my ebooks -which is perfectly their right.
Your comments regarding interracial children are completely off the mark. Clearly you are looking for a reaction, but I won't allow you to bait me. I will however state that children who have loving, stable, intelligent, morally sound and active parents tend to be very well adjusted, irrespective of their racial background/color. Also, when a child knows, accepts & loves their background, there's no confusion regarding their identity.
Also, are you a subscriber to any mainstream magazines and if so, which ones. I bet I can find an article and someone they posted on the cover of their magazine who was a single mom and who spoke positively about being a single mom.
Mary: I do not subscribe to any magazines, but I do have a number of journal subscriptions.
Do you watch movies featuring Angelina Jolie? She is a single mom of 6 kids! She has been on MANY magazines and spoke favorably about being a mother. But maybe you've never heard of her since you don't keep up with mainstream media as evidenced of you not knowing who Chris Brown is. I am older than you, in my 30s and don't listen to pop music but I know who he is as well as other rappers and such. They make it onto regular news channels. CBRowns and Rihanna's domestic violence was all over the place when it happened and I don't believe that you didn't see anything on TV or the internet about it. I only watch TV on weekends and I knew and saw the aftermath of what he did via pics on the web.
Mary: I don't care about pop news or gossip. I am not sure if he goes by another name, but I do recall reading an article about the domestic violence incident between Chris Brown and Rhianna. I simply did not recall who he was when I looked at Calipoppy's video, because the incident happened in 2009, and he's never been on my radar. I've stated before, I don't listen to pop music.
Currently, my husband and I primarily watch documentaries and independent films, but way back when, I have seen a movie or two with Angelina Jolie.
ETA: I did a quick google search of Essence magazines covers and the following people had covers pop up
Jada Pinkett Smith (Will's wife, who has been married to him for a long time)
Beyonce (of course)
Kerry Washington (don't know her marital status but for me that is not important)
Janet Jackson (single)
Alicia Keyes (married, but is an adulterer - broke up a marriage - why didn't you cancel your subscription when she was on the cover)
Tasha Smith (of Tyler Perry movie fame)
Regina King (divorced)
Mary J. Blige (married)
Tyra Banks (married)
Queen Latifa (single, thought to be a lesbian - I personally don't care if she is)
Jennifer Hudson (married, but was not married when her son was born, so you should have canceled your subscription when she was on the cover too!)
Kelly Rowland (single)
Monique (married - but open marriage!)
Michelle Obama
Whitney Houston (was married but then divorced and had all sorts of problems that many consider "moral" in nature)
So 9 of the above either were married or have been married, which is a majority. There were also a lot of guys on the cover like Blair Underwood and Kevin Hart, both of whom are married and Idris Elba whom I don't know his marital status (don't care though I will say he is a good looking man!) but since this is about black women, didn't include them in the list. [\quote]
I subscribed a year ago, and I never really paid much attention to the other covers, besides the Michelle Obama feature story. Again, there was just something about the way the article was written and the endorsement of single-motherhood that turned me off.
A few years ago, I saw a PBS documentary about black actresses in Hollywood, by Harvard Professor Skip Gates. I was impressed by Long's professional drive, overall longevity in the business and her acting range. Needless to say, her cover story was disappointing. End of story...
I won't post my letter to the Essence Editor, but my displeasure stemmed from the following statements made by Nia Long in the July 2012 publication article, authored by Dream Hampton, entitled "Nia Long's Pride and Joy":
Long is certainly free to have her viewpoints; however, I believe it's irresponsible of Essence to highlight the joys of single motherhood and Long’s deliberate decision to have out of wedlock children. I canceled my subscription because I wasn't happy with Essence's very clear agenda. The editor didn't make any mistake with the caption, article or series of glamorous photos of Long. Everything was handcrafted to perfection to get across their message: Nia Long, Single, Satisfied, & Raising her boys. Clearly I'm not the only person who picked up on the intent, as evidenced by the comments on various online forums.
Everyone is free to have their opinion. I simply do not wish to financially support a publication that endorses celebrity single moms and their out of wedlock children.
You act like it's totally impossible for a woman to actually be single happy and raising her children.
Maybe it's not the life or message YOU personally agree with but that's a reality for a lot of woman in this country regardless of race.
The reality for women of ALL races is that there are fewer eligible men that are willing able and wanting to get married. You are going to have more single professional educated financially stable women making the decision to have children and raise them as single parents.
There is no moral crusading that you can do to stop this.
I'm not sure what the OP wants. Would she rather Nia say that, as a single mother, she was depressed and contemplating suicide?
The truth of the matter is that single mothers cover the full American spectrum of race, income levels and education.
Now I have no problem with teaching both young men and women that they need to carefully consider the consequences of their sexual behavior. But the idea that this is any way a political issue is patently ridiculous.
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