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What is it about my specific relationship that is not vanilla - what sets it off as being a D/s relationship? It's the dance. He leads, I follow. He is the captain and I'm the COB. This is specific to MY relationship. I'm a very dominant person and it's one of the reasons that most people within the lifestyle are astonished when they learn we are in a male Dominant/female sub relationship. I found someone more Dominant than I am. He is a very quiet, gentle former Army Platoon Sgt who was blown up in an EOD explosion. Someone I could trust 110% -so I could let go of the reins of control and finally not be the responsible one. To have someone else weigh the pros and cons of every major decision; to put himself last in that decision-making because the responsibility of his power/position is such that he is responsible for our relationship and how well it functions - and for my well-being. Often the decisions he makes are not benefiting either of us directly - one over the other - but benefit our relationship and thus us as individuals indirectly. And I don't always have to understand all the reasoning behind his decisions (although he willingly tells me when I ask). I only have to trust that he has made a decision based on my input and any other facts he may have looked for and then has tried to remain impartial while looking at it from FIRST, the impact on our relationship; SECOND, how it will affect me; and LASTLY, how it affects him. And I did learn that I could trust him. It took a while and a leap of faith initially, but he has proved himself time and again to be able to put his own needs last and to put our joint needs first. That is the mantle of responsibility.
And for that, he has earned every perk on the planet it is within my power to give him. That means that if he wants something else for dinner, I make it. It means that when he says we are going somewhere, I don't argue - we go. It means when he says we're staying home, we stay. It means I serve him his dinner and I clean up unless he wants to help - it's his choice.
It means when we go to parties/events (including family), I always keep him in my peripheral vision so I can see when he needs something. When we have BBQs, which is about every other weekend, I make sure he gets spelled at the grill, I don't wait for him to ask for a plate of food, I keep my eye on his drink to know when it's near empty, etc. It appears seamless - he doesn't ask and he never commands - he doesn't have to. My sister and godmother find it strange that he doesn't jump up to the buffet table at family events with all the other men but they just look a bit quizzical for a moment.
We have certain rules he set out for me initially, one of them being that lunchtime is a very special time for him. He works hard, he comes home for lunch. He expects food in the house and quiet -- and my attention. 98% of the time, it works that way. Once in a while it doesn't. I discuss it with him ahead of time and we work around it. If I'm on the phone and he walks in, I terminate the call (unless it's business) and am there for him.
OK, so now you want to know what happens when I break a rule. Answer is, I almost never do. If it happens by accident - doctor running late and I can't get home on time - I let him know asap and explain. No problem. I lose track of time - nope, doesn't happen. He asks me to run an errand - and I forget - has happened. He was disappointed in me and did it himself. Didn't happen again.
So basically you're saying people are creeped out by use of terminology and eating her meals on her knees. It's her kink. It's his kink. It isn't really a part of the actual relationship; it's window dressing for it. It's referred to as protocol and ritual and it's used to remind the partners in the relationship of their status. Some of us have few protocols or rituals if any. But they are young and she is new - and it's exciting to her.
As always, thanks for the informative post.
Frankly, your relationship doesn't sound "out there" enough to even qualify you for being in a club or group of any sort. To me it sounds like an old-school Hispanic relationship. (no offense to Hispanics that are not old-school and don't have a traditional r'ship) I live in a predominantly Hispanic area and know plenty of women who fix their husbands' plates at barbecues and let him make the major decisions. Yours may be different in that your roles in the relationship appear to be etched in stone while I think others wax and wane over time, but it just doesn't sound all that unusual.
As I and others have said, we just hope that when she's no longer young and new, or if she no longer finds it exciting, that he doesn't "punish" her for no longer wanting to play. To the extent she's tellling the truth about her lifestyle, she sounds very vulnerable and I think most posters on here are hoping that she keeps both her eyes and her options open as her relationship progresses.
You are a great writer!! I absolutely love your posts NYAnnie.
Thank you VERY much.
Where did the term vanilla come from? I hate vanilla.
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
So do I. Does everyone have to be categorized as one thing or the other? Can't some of us be Neopolitan, or if we feel a certain way on a certain day, Butter Pecan?
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Originally Posted by Wingsy
You forgot "brother who can double as a lamp during blackouts required."
Wingsy nailed the definition/meaning of vanilla - it's non-kink/basic.
I like the brother lamp - gives me an idea for our deck at the new house - Picture this: male slave holding a lantern - could have a pose change every 10-15 minutes (don't want him/them getting too stiff - at least not that way).
I've been stalling - I really hate bridges - but now I'm cutting my time short - I have to be in Philly by 4, it takes everyone else up to 2 hours, me it'll take 3-4 (because of my avoidance of high bridges), I'm packed but the car is a mess - too many coupons floating around it since he's been gone all week (yeah, 3 nights - we don't do apart well), so now I've got to get that done, toss my suitcase in the car, lock the cats in the house and I'm gone for a night of exploring Philly and a small reunion
I am sure you would be horrified at the number of people....
Meh...You don't get it. We've obviously reached the point where we just don't respect each others' opinions, about anything, in the least. This forum is simply too massive, to read every post. I must only read the ones of people I either respect, or would find interesting in some way. This no longer meets either definition.
I don't know why you had to choose the absolutely most obscene example possible, and build a straw man around it, but you did. I also found it absolutely bizarre that you didn't bother to address K95she's (sp?) concerns. That is what people have the problem with.
I know you mean Vanilla as a derogatory term, but I absolutely love it. I'll be that.
I can't wait for these threads to die back down and go back under the bed. Almost makes me long for the days of the women bashers comments.
P.S.--Congratulations on becoming omniscient. You know exactly where I live and who I know.
Their relationship doesn't HAVE an authority transfer dynamic, there's no negotiated power exchange... neither of them is "the master" and I am certain neither sleeps in a cage. So it's not an aspect of the relationship, it's just play. Something they do, an action, to express the loving relationship dynamic in a way that makes them both smile.
Exactly.It is just a way that we play.I for one rather like my cage.Nothing wrong with that.
Wingsy nailed the definition/meaning of vanilla - it's non-kink/basic.
I like the brother lamp - gives me an idea for our deck at the new house - Picture this: male slave holding a lantern - could have a pose change every 10-15 minutes (don't want him/them getting too stiff - at least not that way).
I for one adore being used as furniture.I know this post may get me flamed but it really is not as bad as it sounds.
Learn to use the friggin' multi quote. Obnoxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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