Anyone married to someone who had a massive weight gain? (girls, husband)

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by pitt_transplant

Thats how I see it too. I personally quit smoking for him. It wasn't good for me but him hating it was the main reason I made the choice to quit. Seeing my skin improve I guess was my love karma.

Well I would hope you did it more for yourself. But the point is that he didn't feel like he had to walk on egg shells around you, which is good.

[Book Lover 21]

I quit smoking for my husband too. It was before he was my husband. I quit because I had a crush on him and did it as a preemptive action. He never knew I smoked until months after we got together. I still credit him for saving or at lease lengthening my life.

[pitt_transplant]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

Well I would hope you did it more for yourself. But the point is that he didn't feel like he had to walk on egg shells around you, which is good.

Oh that was in there too, but he was part of the decision. He tried to once and I smashed the eggs myself for him.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Mooseketeer

or should I say even worse the same person in the "wrong" body.

Exactly! While distracting myself and posting BS on this forum as I normally do, sometimes I felt like a fraud because I was talking about how things normally are... through my lenses of a desirable woman... while that wasn't exactly the case at that time and things could've gone totally out of control...

I had 10 years of physical hell with Leukaemia and for the last 12 years ( since my full -touch wood- recovery) am saddled with chronic fatigue syndrome and serious tendon damage in one foot meaning I am basically disabled. Physical exercise is hell. I am constantly exhausted, cannot sleep properly and am in a lot of pain. But you know what ? At the end of the day I survived the worst that was thrown at me and I am still alive.

That's all that counts! In my case, as I have no other people to live for, I wouldn't have cared for living had I become appalling by my own standards.

I have a wonderful man who loves me, fancies me rotten and is more than happy to make love to me and is not repelled by my physical changes.

You're lucky. Judging by many opinions on these forums, not everybody is.

I admit to probably not giving an overweight person a chance under normal circumstances unless he's extraordinary in some way, but I would never leave a spouse because he happened to get ill and fat down the line.

[pitt_transplant]

Originally Posted by Book Lover 21

I quit smoking for my husband too. It was before he was my husband. I quit because I had a crush on him and did it as a preemptive action. He never knew I smoked until months after we got together. I still credit him for saving or at lease lengthening my life.

<-- high five

See, I think people come into our lives for a reason like that all the time. If we were not so wrapped up in our own pride they could save us from ourselves.


Funny how all those seven sins bite you in the butt no matter what your religious stance is.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by pitt_transplant

Many Americans Don't Even Know They're Fat - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20100902/hl_hsn/manyamericansdontevenknowtheyrefat - broken link)

Do they?

Let me tell you a little secret. Every so often, the government changes the definition of overweight and obesity. The last time they did it was 1998 or 1999. I don't remember which, exactly, and I'm too lazy to pull out my clips, but I covered it and remember the outcry of letters to the editor from people who said things along the lines of, "So, yesterday I was fine and today I'm fat? Great." It mostly affected people who missed the cut-off for "overweight" by about 20 pounds, have always weighed what they weigh, are healthy, and look and feel fine. Also, there is a clinical difference between overweight and obesity, and I think that confuses people, too, because the lay press tends to use the terms interchangeably and shouldn't.

Don't get me wrong. The government changed the criteria to fall in line with the mounting evidence that when people have a BMI of X, their risk of developing diseases like cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes goes up Y%, and the numbers were lower than anyone previously thought.

And yes, anecdotally, when a great percentage of the people you see walking down the street are obese, it makes someone who is only 10 or 15 pounds overweight seem svelte. Visually, people tend to judge their own physical flaws on a curve. "I'm not fat. THAT'S fat."

But the numbers and risks are what they are.

Or were.

Now there is mounting evidence that there is a big difference between "fat" and "fit," and that it is entirely possible for someone who has a BMI that puts them in the "overweight" category to be less likely to develop CVD and Type 2 DM than someone with a "normal" BMI.

Such findings are a blinding flash of the obvious to anyone who is a hockey nut--most professional hockey players have high BMIs, but no one would consider them obese and their risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes is low--but hey, things have to be made "official" through studies and data-crunching.

Which then leads us to a fresh new issue. Say your spouse gains 50 pounds, but can run circles around his or her former self.

That happened to me. I put on 20 pounds after I got married. Toward the end, when I had my grand epiphany ("hey, dingbat, do you not read your own articles?") I got into doing The Firm. My weight didn't change. And before anyone says "but your size probably did," neither did my size. However my resting heart rate was 62, one day I accidentally pulled a door off the hinges, and another day, while washing non-disposable hard plastic cups, I twisted one in half. Just broke it. I remember one of my co-workers, who was standing in the kitchen when it happened, look at me like .

But I was still 20 pounds heavier than when I got married and 10 pounds "overweight." Had my then-husband said anything to me about it, I might have twisted him in half, too. Fortunately, for all of his issues, shallowness over 20 pounds and a lack of tact were not among them.

[Mooseketeer]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Exactly! While distracting myself and posting BS on this forum as I normally do, sometimes I felt like a fraud because I was talking about how things normally are... through my lenses of a desirable woman... while that wasn't exactly the case at that time and things could've gone totally out of control...



That's all that counts! In my case, as I have no other people to live for, I wouldn't have cared for living had I become appalling by my own standards.



You're lucky. Judging by many opinions on these forums, not everybody is.

I admit to probably not giving an overweight person a chance under normal circumstances unless he's extraordinary in some way, but I would never leave a spouse because he happened to get ill and fat down the line.

I guess I have always been pretty open minded about people's physiques even in my slim days , I have always really been turned on by things like brain and sense of humour.

I was physically very attracted to my now Husband when I met him but before him dated men who were less than classically attractive because they were so sexy.

And I have always had a thing for older men as well. Some people to me ooze sexiness despite having certain physical imperfections be it weight, big noses, scars etc...

I have met so many people who are as beautiful as Greek statues and do absolutely nothing for me. Nada. Zilch. Zip.

In fact a boy-friend of mine ( as opposed to boyfriend ) was physically stunning, I mean drop dead gorgeous , women looking at him wherever he went and I never felt anything sexual towards him at all. The chemistry simply was not there. The idea of having sex with him would have been almost repellent to me. My female friends used to drool and simply could not understand why I was not trying to snag him ( he was interested in me).

Physical attraction is hugely important in any relationship but even that goes beyond just the exterior. Physical attraction to me is a very subtle mix of chemistry and sexual desire not only or even necessarily triggered by beauty.

I think often people mix beauty with sexual attraction and to me those are two completely different concepts. It sounds trite but beauty does come in many shapes and sizes. I really do believe that. I just wish people would realise it.

But yes living with yourself when you consider yourself unattractive is hard and I do have to work very hard on not letting myself get down too much about the extra pounds.

Losing my active lifestyle and being physically restricted is what hurts the most at the end of the day. I am still the same person but my body does not allow me to climb mountains, sail or swim, horse-ride or trekk through jungles anymore. I want to do things I simply can no longer aspire to do. I am a diminished version of myself and it is deeply upsetting.


Even my brain is atrophied and from being academic and incredibly focused intellectually now I am a shadow of my former self. It does hurt. It is deeply depressing and I have to live with that.

When I was 21 I had the world at my feet so to speak, a brilliant career ahead of me, adventures galore and a sense that I could do anything. Somedays nowadays even uust going up the stairs is a problem ! At 42 it does suck big time.

I am trying to change all this though and regain control and have learnt to ignore the morons who judge this battered book by its worn cover. I would like to believe the content of the book are still worth reading and that even the cover has a little charm and character left. Maybe I am kidding myself but to be honest as long as the man I love , loves me as I am then things are about as good as they are going to get.

Anyone who leaves a spouse because they have gained weight IMO is incredibly shallow and never truly loved that person in the first place. To be concerned about a spouse's health I can understand but simply to go "wow you're fat now, I don't love you anymore" is simply bizarre to me. I think it is OK to encourage and support someone to lose weight but making them feel bad about it is not the way to go.

Non health related weight gain is often a symptom for something else, a deeper issue about self esteem and needing comfort for some underlying problem. I find it disturbing that we find it acceptable in modern society to deride people for their weight rather than their stupidity or vapid ways.

Bullying fat people is acceptable but who cares about people who are rude, unpleasant, ill mannered, ignorant, cruel etc... Those we seem to tolerate quite well. Skewed priorities in my opinion.

We worship celebrities for their size zero ( what the heck is a size zero, isn't that being invisible ?) and their perfect pert surgically enhanced breasts and yet have nothing nice to say about people who are kind, thoughtful intelligent, funny etc but might be a little less perfect physically... Seems to me our role models have serious feet of clay .

[Keeper]

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[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Mooseketeer

I guess I have always been pretty open minded about people's physiques even in my slim days , I have always really been turned on by things like brain and sense of humour.

I was physically very attracted to my now Husband when I met him but before him dated men who were less than classically attractive because they were so sexy.

And I have always had a thing for older men as well. Some people to me ooze sexiness despite having certain physical imperfections be it weight, big noses, scars etc...

I have met so many people who are as beautiful as Greek statues and do absolutely nothing for me. Nada. Zilch. Zip.

In fact a boy-friend of mine ( as opposed to boyfriend ) was physically stunning, I mean drop dead gorgeous , women looking at him wherever he went and I never felt anything sexual towards him at all. The chemistry simply was not there. The idea of having sex with him would have been almost repellent to me. My female friends used to drool and simply could not understand why I was not trying to snag him ( he was interested in me).

Physical attraction is hugely important in any relationship but even that goes beyond just the exterior. Physical attraction to me is a very subtle mix of chemistry and sexual desire not only or even necessarily triggered by beauty.

I absolutely agree with you on all points, but what I find attractive has never been housed in a significantly overweight body and never will, I'm afraid... I can accept changes later, but I’ll have hard time going with it from the get-go.

[LaoTzuMindFu]

Originally Posted by The Outcast

Anyone married to someone who had a massive weight gain?

She must have been maybe 120 pounds at 5 foot seven. She was so thin and so pretty.

Now fast forward 15 years and she is divorced, angry, bitter, and maybe 350 pounds. She looks terrible!

If that happened to your spouse could you stay interested?

I think people need to stay on track with the topic of this thread before the thread is closed.

Questions are:

1. Are you married to someone who had a massive weight gain? Yes or NO

2. If it happend to your spouse, could you stay interested? Yes or NO. Why?

As I have stated already, provided that my spouses weight gain was caused by a physical illness (note: I said physical illness not mental illness), I would stay interested, support her and take care of her.

If her weight gain was NOT caused by a physical illness our marriage would be over.

I know this particular forum is just chuck full of lifelong obese people and people who say "Oh, I used to be thin" but are now also OBESE, who may have emotional baggage with any and all discussions about weight and love, but come on, just answer the question and not run off on a tangent about whatever pills you are taking or whatever.

If my wife went from 120 pounds to 350 pounds as in the OPs example, I would have left her by the time she reached 225. I feel that it would have been an extremely selfish thing for her to do to no only herself, but to me and our children and letting herself go and grow to such morbid obesity. As her spouse, part of my responsibility is to try to take care of her and inform her in WHATEVER MANNER POSSIBLE THAT WORKS WITH US that she needs to lose the weight. My wife has no problem with me saying she looks like a fatty mcFatpants, Grimace, fat cowdog, Gilbert Grapes Mother, etc. because it is the no-bones straight to the point manner that WE agreed on how we will communicate with each other on such an important topic. If she was not okay with it, then I wouldnt say that to her. Bottom line is, if either of us begin to fail ourselves and our family and risking our lives by gaining weight and becoming obese, we have a "gloves off" approach that works for us.