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I think people need to stay on track with the topic of this thread before the thread is closed.
Questions are:
1. Are you married to someone who had a massive weight gain? Yes or NO
2. If it happend to your spouse, could you stay interested? Yes or NO. Why?
As I have stated already, provided that my spouses weight gain was caused by a physical illness (note: I said physical illness not mental illness), I would stay interested, support her and take care of her.
If her weight gain was NOT caused by a physical illness our marriage would be over.
I know this particular forum is just chuck full of lifelong obese people and people who say "Oh, I used to be thin" but are now also OBESE, who may have emotional baggage with any and all discussions about weight and love, but come on, just answer the question and not run off on a tangent about whatever pills you are taking or whatever.
If my wife went from 120 pounds to 350 pounds as in the OPs example, I would have left her by the time she reached 225. I feel that it would have been an extremely selfish thing for her to do to no only herself, but to me and our children and letting herself go and grow to such morbid obesity. As her spouse, part of my responsibility is to try to take care of her and inform her in WHATEVER MANNER POSSIBLE THAT WORKS WITH US that she needs to lose the weight. My wife has no problem with me saying she looks like a fatty mcFatpants, Grimace, fat cowdog, Gilbert Grapes Mother, etc. because it is the no-bones straight to the point manner that WE agreed on how we will communicate with each other on such an important topic. If she was not okay with it, then I wouldnt say that to her. Bottom line is, if either of us begin to fail ourselves and our family and risking our lives by gaining weight and becoming obese, we have a "gloves off" approach that works for us.
So, if your wife became severely clinically depressed, you would leave her?
Likewise, if she just gained a lot of weight, you would deprive your children of their father for however many days a week? Because being overweight does not make a person unfit for parenthood, and the courts would never give you full custody, particularly if the reason you get divorced is because of 65 pounds that could be shed.
And finally, do your kids hear you call your wife names like that? While you and your wife may have an agreement to be rude and disrespectful with each other, your children may be seeing it a different way. Indeed, parental ridicule of weight is one of the primary causes of eating disorders, particularly when fathers make comments about mothers in front of daughters.
I don't know that it is ... or that it's effective. It depends on the situation. As Pitt mentioned, spouses usually eat the same foods but may process them differently. A husband may be able to indulge in pizza and ice cream and remain thin while his wife slowly packs on the pounds. Instead of telling his wife that he is turned off by her extra weight, he might look at his own choices and see how he is contributing to the problem. If his concern truly is about her health, then he has just as much of a reason to cut out the junk himself. "Hey, honey, let's grill some chicken instead of ordering a pizza" could be an alternate approach to the problem, rather than making it about his dissatisfaction with her appearance.
1) Before I criticize anyone else's wait...I'd make sure that I'm like 0 pounds over what I was when we met.
2) I already eat healthy and workout. I can't see myself with somebody that doesn't understand basic nutrition and likes to be outdoors and workout (at least moderately.) So I don't even know how much of an issue it would be.
3) Massive weight gain usually would come around a pregnancy...which is kind of hot. Or because of depression, and piling on will do nothing.
4) If I wanted her to lose weight that bad for her health...I'd get her a physical I guess. Then outside of that I'd just be a good role model. Workout real hard...tell her how awesome she is, how much I love her, how pretty she is....build her up so she wants to get healthy for herself.
I don't know that it is ... or that it's effective. It depends on the situation. As Pitt mentioned, spouses usually eat the same foods but may process them differently. A husband may be able to indulge in pizza and ice cream and remain thin while his wife slowly packs on the pounds. Instead of telling his wife that he is turned off by her extra weight, he might look at his own choices and see how he is contributing to the problem. If his concern truly is about her health, then he has just as much of a reason to cut out the junk himself. "Hey, honey, let's grill some chicken instead of ordering a pizza" could be an alternate approach to the problem, rather than making it about his dissatisfaction with her appearance.
So, if your wife became severely clinically depressed, you would leave her?
This thread is about "massive weight gain", not clinical depression.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne
Likewise, if she just gained a lot of weight, you would deprive your children of their father for however many days a week? Because being overweight does not make a person unfit for parenthood, and the courts would never give you full custody, particularly if the reason you get divorced is because of 65 pounds that could be shed.
Again, I think you are missing the boat on this. The thread is about "would you stay interested if your spouse had a massive weight gain" not about parenting and/or custody issues. Stay on topic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne
And finally, do your kids hear you call your wife names like that?
Nope. We believe that it is part of proper parenting to have certain topics of conversation away from the ears of children. Things like "Fluffy just died, how or what shall we tell junior?" or "I'll dress up as Santa Claus, the kids will never know that there IS no Santa" or "Hey they didnt have any Magnums so lets see if these regular ones will fit so we can do the kama sutra tonight". These are all examples of conversations that should take place away from the ears of children. Anyways, when my wife and I do say things like "hey grimace" or "Hey Gilbert Grapes mother" we say it in a loving/joking way where the other person NEVER gets upset or takes it the wrong way. So it is NEVER in a rude or disrespectful manner. This is one of those things were unless you are part of the sanctity of the relationship/marriage, you will never be able to understand that its said in a loving/joking non-mean type of way.
What seems to be overlooked here, is the lifestyle of the relationship. For example, my wife and I lead VERY active lifestyles that pretty much would prohibit and inhibit "massive weight gain" as talked about here. We care about our health so much that it would pretty much be impossible for us gain the type of weight the OP mentioned unless there was some major physical issue. Heck, if my wife's weight went from 123 pounds where it is today to even 153 pounds (well short of the 230 plus pounds gained in the OPs example), she would be horrified, mortified, disgusted and extremely disappointed with herself and the extremely poor example she would be setting for our children. She would REALLY watch her nutrition intake and her workout/exercise routine to immediately curb the weight gain.
This thread is about "massive weight gain", not clinical depression.
Again, I think you are missing the boat on this. The thread is about "would you stay interested if your spouse had a massive weight gain" not about parenting and/or custody issues. Stay on topic.
Clinical depression can cause massive weight gain and you said you would leave your wife if her weight gain was anything other than physical.
Likewise, when you say you will leave your spouse over massive weight gain, that means depriving your children of one of their parents for a certain amount of time each week.
Both are perfectly legitimate questions and relevant to the topic. So, would you?
Clinical depression can cause massive weight gain and you said you would leave your wife if her weight gain was anything other than physical.
Likewise, when you say you will leave your spouse over massive weight gain, that means depriving your children of one of their parents for a certain amount of time each week.
Both are perfectly legitimate questions and relevant to the topic. So, would you?
Both are valid questions that are NOT part of the topic of this thread. As per the moderator's post above, we need to stay on topic here.
Start another thread and I'll answer those questions in detail.
Both are valid questions that are NOT part of the topic of this thread. As per the moderator's post above, we need to stay on topic here.
Start another thread and I'll answer those questions in detail.
Nope. Not buying what you're selling. You just don't want to answer the questions. I'll take this as a yes, you would leave your wife if her weight gain was because of depression, and yes, you would break up your family and deprive your kids of one of their parents because your wife had massive weight gain.
Oh, and? There is nothing mortifying about putting on 30 pounds. In fact, I think your number of 153 pounds probably just insulted quite a few women on this board. Gotta love a sensitive man who considers his audience!
I guess I have always been pretty open minded about people's physiques even in my slim days , I have always really been turned on by things like brain and sense of humour.
I was physically very attracted to my now Husband when I met him but before him dated men who were less than classically attractive because they were so sexy.
And I have always had a thing for older men as well. Some people to me ooze sexiness despite having certain physical imperfections be it weight, big noses, scars etc...
I have met so many people who are as beautiful as Greek statues and do absolutely nothing for me. Nada. Zilch. Zip.
In fact a boy-friend of mine ( as opposed to boyfriend ) was physically stunning, I mean drop dead gorgeous , women looking at him wherever he went and I never felt anything sexual towards him at all. The chemistry simply was not there. The idea of having sex with him would have been almost repellent to me. My female friends used to drool and simply could not understand why I was not trying to snag him ( he was interested in me).
Physical attraction is hugely important in any relationship but even that goes beyond just the exterior. Physical attraction to me is a very subtle mix of chemistry and sexual desire not only or even necessarily triggered by beauty.
I think often people mix beauty with sexual attraction and to me those are two completely different concepts. It sounds trite but beauty does come in many shapes and sizes. I really do believe that. I just wish people would realise it.
But yes living with yourself when you consider yourself unattractive is hard and I do have to work very hard on not letting myself get down too much about the extra pounds.
Losing my active lifestyle and being physically restricted is what hurts the most at the end of the day. I am still the same person but my body does not allow me to climb mountains, sail or swim, horse-ride or trekk through jungles anymore. I want to do things I simply can no longer aspire to do. I am a diminished version of myself and it is deeply upsetting.
Even my brain is atrophied and from being academic and incredibly focused intellectually now I am a shadow of my former self. It does hurt. It is deeply depressing and I have to live with that.
When I was 21 I had the world at my feet so to speak, a brilliant career ahead of me, adventures galore and a sense that I could do anything. Somedays nowadays even uust going up the stairs is a problem ! At 42 it does suck big time.
I am trying to change all this though and regain control and have learnt to ignore the morons who judge this battered book by its worn cover. I would like to believe the content of the book are still worth reading and that even the cover has a little charm and character left. Maybe I am kidding myself but to be honest as long as the man I love , loves me as I am then things are about as good as they are going to get.
Anyone who leaves a spouse because they have gained weight IMO is incredibly shallow and never truly loved that person in the first place. To be concerned about a spouse's health I can understand but simply to go "wow you're fat now, I don't love you anymore" is simply bizarre to me. I think it is OK to encourage and support someone to lose weight but making them feel bad about it is not the way to go.
Non health related weight gain is often a symptom for something else, a deeper issue about self esteem and needing comfort for some underlying problem. I find it disturbing that we find it acceptable in modern society to deride people for their weight rather than their stupidity or vapid ways.
Bullying fat people is acceptable but who cares about people who are rude, unpleasant, ill mannered, ignorant, cruel etc... Those we seem to tolerate quite well. Skewed priorities in my opinion.
We worship celebrities for their size zero ( what the heck is a size zero, isn't that being invisible ?) and their perfect pert surgically enhanced breasts and yet have nothing nice to say about people who are kind, thoughtful intelligent, funny etc but might be a little less perfect physically... Seems to me our role models have serious feet of clay .
My sentiments exactly. Very nicely stated indeed.
As someone who has struggled since I was a teenager with weight issues I take offense at those who state "oh it's selfish and it affects those around you".
I kept a diary (aka journal) for many many years. I read through some of earlier young adult entries and they were filled with such self loathing and incredible inner pain, all related to my weight. I was beautiful and slim and so screwed up that I thought I was a fat hideous worthless human.
I no longer read my diaries, they are kept in another country because I can't bare the hurt, the pain and the shame of how I thought about myself.
I now no longer care about my weight and I am happy.
I am also with a man who loves me, gray hair, saggy boobs, tummy and all.
As someone who has struggled since I was a teenager with weight issues I take offense at those who state "oh it's selfish and it affects those around you".
I kept a diary (aka journal) for many many years. I read through some of earlier young adult entries and they were filled with such self loathing and incredible inner pain, all related to my weight. I was beautiful and slim and so screwed up that I thought I was a fat hideous worthless human.
I no longer read my diaries, they are kept in another country because I can't bare the hurt, the pain and the shame of how I thought about myself.
I now no longer care about my weight and I am happy.
I am also with a man who loves me, gray hair, saggy boobs, tummy and all.
No one should ever have to feel that way, and I hope that if there are teenage girls reading these boards, they are learning from people like you, Moose, and Julia, not the abrasive knuckleheads who, from the way they express themselves here, are clearly no prizes themselves.
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Maybe I am kidding myself but to be honest as long as the man I love , loves me as I am then things are about as good as they are going to get. 