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I'd like to hear some of the story. Hate is mighty different from 'can't stand being around them.' If it were that bad, and he lives close by, I'm surprised it's not causing some serious tension in their marriage.
My brother in law just hates my wife's family. He is forced to get together with them on a regular basis to keep his wife (my sister in law) and the kids happy. But he just hates the family and will not talk to anyone. To much bad blood. To much history. I do not really like my wife's family either but I only see them a few times a year and make nice. They live 300 miles away so that saves me from seeing them all that much. The angry brother in law lives only a few miles away from most of my wife's extended family, so he is stuck with them more often.
I think this brings up a good question. Would you agree to get together with people you just can not stand just because they were extended family? I am not talking about dislike, but just plain hate. What would you do?
If I was still married, I would definately say NO, under any circumstance.
Life is too short to spend time around people who make you feel emotionally (and often physically) ill.
Sometimes it's almost unavoidable (like a wedding or a funeral) but usually those occasions have enough of a crowd to make it fairly easy to avoid the People From H*ll other than to say a brief hello when you arrive and brief goodbye when you leave.
As to "marrying spouse's family too"... IMHO many younger people (under 40) make the mistake of not taking that into account. If I had major issues with someone's parents and/or siblings it would make me think twice or more about marrying that person. What's that old saying about the apple not falling far from the tree? I wouldn't have said that in my younger days but being now older and more cynical about human nature from personal experience, I tend to believe it.
If I didn't like my husbands family and could not get along with them I would never had married him. I believe you do marry the person's family especially if they are close to their family.
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Naive, because people change and you may not have been mature enough to see the problems when you met your spouse.
Excellent insight.
I have been married to a wonderful lady for almost 35 years, and we have raised three children (one of whom is mentally handicapped and still lives with us, and will as long as we can care for her). We married when I was 20, and she was 19. And her family severely dislikes me and I'm not fond of them.
I never set up situations where my wife needs to take sides. I have found many ways to minimize the frictions, ignore the snide comments and insults with a margin of sarcastic humor, and to enjoy the comedy of the friction in relationships. Why fight over nonsense? And 90% of the issues causing friction are just downright silly.
My wife and I get along great, and her parents hated me right up to the first funeral (actually through the funeral). So what?
Keep the contact time to a minimum which is fair for both parties. Try to avoid discussions of topics which will cause friction. Laugh internally at the humor of human interactions.
It really isn't that hard if you put your mind to it. I have been doing it a long time, and it has worked very well, including having my kids see how to better relate to folks (even those you find difficult).
Location: Phoenix...until next week, then Maryland...tick tock tick tock
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Me personally, if there are people in my life that are toxic, his family or mine, I associate with them as little as possible. I don't believe that just because someone is "family" I have to accept them treating me like crap.
I would do my best to try to make the relationship work, but if it is clear that it won't, then I just cut them off. I'm not going to ruin holidays, etc. just because I'm "supposed" to spend it with family. I'd rather have a more solitary holiday & enjoy it, than to dread the time because I'm forced to spend it with people who make it miserable.
I've had many, many rotten Thanksgivings/Christmases as a kid because my mother always forced us into the obligatory family gathering. No one liked anyone else, & it just turned into a complaint fest...or "let's talk about my ailment of the week"...or dodging one snide comment/criticism after another...all wrapped up in "the love of God". Ugh. No thank you. I don't care if I have to spend Christmas alone with my son in our apartment, I won't subject him to the same crap I had to grow up with!
...So far, I like my BF's family tho, so hopefully that won't be as much of an issue as it was when I was growing up!
I do believe that when you marry someone, you marry into their life...which may or may not include family...however, I believe it's naive to think that you'll really know someone's family when you marry them...unless you've dated a really long time, it often takes a while to see someone's true colors.
My ex-in-laws resented me right from the start, and it certainly didn't get any better in the duration of my marriage.
I would say now, that their behavior, stress and all they said, did etc. did contribute somewhat a little to the failing of my first marriage. (Besides other, major things)
I was always nice to them, never tried to give them ammunition, and tried my best to stay "diplomatic".
(Boy, was THAT hard!!! )
Well, right before the collapse of my marriage, I avoided them alltogether, and at that point THAT wasn't even enough!!!
Sometimes you just can't win, no matter what solution you come up with.
Thank god, this second time around I have a much nicer in-law family I am dealing with.
I'm not going to ruin holidays, etc. just because I'm "supposed" to spend it with family. I'd rather have a more solitary holiday & enjoy it, than to dread the time because I'm forced to spend it with people who make it miserable.
A hundred "amen"s to that!!!
I too have had too many holidays that were ruined that way, and after this past year I just said Enough is enough. Starting this year I'm going to decline the Dreaded Invitation for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and turn a deaf ear to the cries of horror such as "but you can't possibly spend the day alone!" Oh really? Just watch me.
I've occasionally done the faux-illness or faux-out-of-town-trip excuse which at least bought me a day of enjoyable peace and quiet instead of headache, stress and tension, but I was also annoyed at myself for not having the gumption to just be honest and say "Thanks for the invitation but I have other plans for that day" and then refuse to be drawn into any excuses or explanations about what those other plans are.
I think it's easy to say 'you should have checked out the family better before marrying', but it's just not that cut and dry.
In my case, his family was on their best behavior through our dating years and our first 2 years or so of marriage, it's only later that they 'relaxed' a little and showed their true selves. When my husband tried to warn me, I thought he was overreacting since I saw no signs of what he was referring to.
Also, some of what they have become has developed through the years...people change...personality flaws magnify - no one can predict these things.
I am fortunate that my husband and I are on the same page 100%, I don't know how I could tolerate this otherwise.
I also realize that his family had expectations of me when we married and I did not live up to their expectations (they assumed I would become like them, their ways, their beliefs), so their dream died a little, and that changed the dynamics between us. Luckily, I had no real expectations for them ! I have enough family of my own, I wasn't seeking to gain any more through marriage, so I'm cool with it, these are just people I have to deal with .
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I am done with pretending...
