Would you get together with your spouses family... if you hated them? (marry, love)

[katherin]

I think if you love your husband and accept him,you can accept his family and love his family,that is important,if you treat them well,make sure his parents will treat you as their daughter,so now you have two fathers and mothers,your life will be happier.

[silverwing]

Originally Posted by katherin

I think if you love your husband and accept him,you can accept his family and love his family,that is important,if you treat them well,make sure his parents will treat you as their daughter,so now you have two fathers and mothers,your life will be happier.

Forum title - Board Main - Forum listings (http://216.227.214.7/dc/dcboard.php - broken link)
Mother-in-Law Stories
(also focuses on other in-laws)

[silverwing]

This was posted on the message board I linked to in the above post. Needless to say, there were many catcalls and quite a few rebuttals

To be a great daughter-in-law, DO:

• 1 DO be clear, honest, and calm with both your husband and mother-in-law about what you need.
• 2 DO gracefully and humbly admit it if you've made a mistake, such as expecting too much or trying to control your mother-in-law's actions or personality.
• 3 DO respect your mother-in-law's opinions, wisdom, age, and experience
• 4 DO let your husband – HER SON – discuss big issues with her. As the daughter-in-law, stand back and stay out of this area. Let her son negotiate boundaries that are comfortable for his family, as well as being comfortable for his mother.
• 5 DO call your mother-in-law just to say hi.
• If you perceive your mother-in-law is being critical about your appearance, house, or parenting style,
• 6 DO clarify this. Make sure she is actually doing this and it's not a misconception on your part. Do not harangue your husband that night (or months later) about it instead of talking to your mother-in-law when it happens.
• 7 DO be very considerate of extraneous concerns of your mother-in-law such as depression, failing health, and fears of aging.
• 8 DO be patient.
• 9 DO show respect and compassion even when you don't feel like it.
• 10 DO learn the difference between "help" and "control". Your mother-in-law is an autonomous person. If she needs help, thats one thing. But, control is something she will never want or need from you.
• 11 DO realize that being firm but loving about your wishes won't ruin your relationship.
• 12 DO pay attention to your mother-in-law's needs and wishes and realize that her being firm but loving about them won't ruin your relationship either.
• 13 DO ask her to join your world! Invite her to visit, spend time with you and her grandchildren, have lunch just the two of you, take a walk, yoga class, or art gallery tour with you. Change your attitude, and you may change your daughter-in-law relationship.
• 14 DO accept that personality conflicts happen, and learn to live with differences of opinion, perspective, and culture.
• 15 DO remember your inlaws on Grandparents Day. Send them a card from their grandchildren, invite them over for dinner. Buy or help your children make a gift for their grandparents.
• 16 DO remember your mother-in-law on Mother's Day as the special "mom" in the package deal you received when you married your husband.
• 17 DO share information with her about the grandchildren's life progress and school activities. Include her in their lives.
• 18 DO practice the Golden Rule: In general, do unto your mother-in-law as you would want her to do unto you

To be a great daughter-in-law, DON'T:

• 1 DONT tell mother-in-law jokes unless they're positive.
• 2 DONT offer excuses or rationalizations.
• 3 DONT argue, debate, or scream at your mother-in-law.
• 4 DONT let little things bother you. For example, if your mother-in-law doesn't want to go to your place for the holidays, then enjoy the relaxation of not hosting.
• 5 DONT expect your mother-in-law and husband to read your mind.
• 6 DONT be afraid to apologize.
• 7 DONT expect an apology from your mother-in-law in return.
• 8 DONT be rude, critical, or overly sensitive to your mother-in-law.
• 9 DONT criticize your in-laws in front of your children or to your husband.
• 10 DONT let your happiness depend on other people. Enjoy a life filled with lots of people and diversity of activities.
• 11 DONT try to impose yourself in the area of the love your husband and his mother share. You must curb the green monster in yourself, even if it means getting some counseling to learn how.
• 12 DONT use your children as weapons by withholding contact when you are upset with your mother-in-law.
• 13 DONT use manipulative tactics (with your husband) in an attempt to bring him around to your way of thinking about his parents. (An example of this would be withholding love, affection, and approval from your husband until he says he agrees with your ideas and opinions concerning his parents.)
• 14 DONT create drama, exaggerate, fabricate, or embellish facts in order to manipulate others to take your side in any situation that occurs between you and your mother-in-law. (Be an adult!)
• 15 DONT criticize your husband to your mother-in-law. (He is her son and she WILL be offended!)
• 16 DONT automatically assume that when your mother-in-law asks about the health, safety, or welfare of you, her son, or her grandchildren, she is just being nosy. (She is genuinely concerned and within reasonable limits has a right to know so that her fears/concerns may be alleviated.)
• 17 DONT expect your inlaws to function as a bank. (Make your own way financially. If your standard of living exceeds your family's income, cut back, downsize, make a realistic budget and STICK TO IT. It is up to you and your husband to make ends meet, not your inlaws.)
• 18 DONT come into your new family immediately after your wedding wanting to take over, change them, or expecting/demanding that they do things your way. This is the quickest way to find yourself on the outside looking in. Be patient, make a concerted effort to learn and be accepting of diverse ways of doing things, even when they are not what you are accustomed to. (If your inlaws do things differently, it doesn't mean they are wrong.) Practice going with the flow whenever possible.

[riveree]

Originally Posted by katherin

I think if you love your husband and accept him,you can accept his family and love his family,that is important,if you treat them well,make sure his parents will treat you as their daughter,so now you have two fathers and mothers,your life will be happier.

Not necessarily. We don't all want 2 mothers and 2 fathers. We don't all bond in the same way or for the same reasons.

Yes, a spouse generally comes with a family - it's usually a package deal - but not every family is all 'lovey-dovey-barbeque-together-every-weekend', nor do they need to be.

If you're lucky enough to find a spouse you love AND you love the family too, well then you're twice as lucky. Some of us are only lucky once, and that's good enough .

[tet tea]

I want to be close enough but far enough away!

[happi28]

I would not be bothered with my husband's family....Yes I do dislike them very much...My mother in law is from planet hell....It's a shame when grandparents show that they have their favorite grand-children..My in laws are the worst people I ever had to deal with..So now I DON'T EVEN BOTHER..No calls, No holidays, No birthdays....Nothing..They are not even allowed around my children...I don't wish this nightmare on anyone...If anyone has the same in laws issues or just mother in law issue please write...We can compare of horror stories..

[country pride]

When I was married, we did several get-togethers, despite my stepmom-in-law hates everyone, but that wasnt going to bring anyone down. I dont 'hate' anyone, and still get along with the rest of the ex's family, in fact, we've had a few occaisions over the years, once the 'divorce dust' settled.

[happi28]

anyone care to share their shories of their in laws from the planet hell....we can share stories.. My mother in law is a nightmare.... cruel as can be to my kids..... which are her grandchildren.....Wanna know more just contact me...

[country pride]

I wont EVEN get started on this one!

[happi28]

may I ask why?