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I think many of us have seen strict families where the kids stay close, and non-strict families where a kid may become very distant and vice versa. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw, and it can be unexplainable to all who are close to the family to know why one child has drifted off.
In big families sometimes there is one child who wants nothing to do with the family including siblings he or she was once close to - and there just are no good explanations.
Sometimes maybe it was peers, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or personality clash - or sometimes it's from having too much the same personality. Some people just abandon their families, others prefer to keep family feuds going instead where they choose to stay close in a sense but fight.
And there are families where the kids will stick with the parents no matter what. I know a woman whose father killed the mother and burned down the house which also killed one of their other siblings - the 4 year old and some of her siblings actually write and visit him in prison - they hate what he did but in their words, he's still family, he's still their father. I also knew a woman whose brother killed her father and grandmother who were raising them, probably would have killed her too if she had been there at the time and she visited him in prison, probably still does.
Others however seem to have some gripe from one thing that was said once or some sense of being shunned once and will hold onto that forever. And it can happen in otherwise close families.
I actually understand everything the original poster is saying as I'm going through the same thing with my daughter, we knew our children before they met their boyfriend/girlfriend.
There is no doubt in my mind that people can manipulate someone in to disliking their families, it's actually amazing what they come up with to keep/control them, my daughter's boyfriend does it, I have been in the "save my daughter" mode, now from good advice off this forum know I have to back off a little to let her learn by herself. (I'm still in crazy mode tho!)
VioletDreams, I know how you feel, it can send you crazy, we love our children so much and it doesn't matter how old they are we want to protect them.
Who knows what the girlfriend is saying to her parents if they don't want you over there, this does happen, the girlfriend could be totally nuts and your son is in love with her.
I have cried so hard over my daughter and this guy, I can see what he's doing, there are people who want to alienate everyone else, it's not us thinking crazy, it's true!
I would go and talk to your son, however you can get to him, and I would never give up on trying to talk to him, I know how worried you are.
"There is no doubt in my mind that people can manipulate someone in to disliking their families"
yes, this happens all the time. It happened with my spouses best friend in college. His gf pulled him away from all his best friends. I predicted then she would start in on his family - over the years she did manage to alienate his entire side of the family as well - I heard through the grapevine.
Often times the controllers have a personality disorder like "borderline personality disorder" or some such. And they are so insecure they cannot deal with anyone getting attention besides themselves. This is called "narcissistic personality disorder" i believe... sounds like there is something fishy going on with the OPs son wanting money. Maybe the family is just using him for his cash. It would be real hard to see that happen to your child.
WAIT!!! I am in the same boat My son and I had a very open and loving relationship until he met his girlfriend she does not like that I speak my mind, and I don't like that she has been able to manipulate him..She is now the "gate keeper" and if I want to talk to him it is through her...I have been a very good girl and done so ...Now she is pregnant with my grandchild..still no communication, and no I haven't pushed it, and she is telling my other daughter inlaws how she can't IMAGINE they could possibly like me...I have no words of wisdom just understanding and hopefully when my son gets a bit older with a bit of matuirty under his belt he will realize my door is always open and I am a soft place to land
I also want to say it is UNFAIR! and I don't like it and it makes me cry sometimes...he is my eldest and I hope that one day he sees that this doesn't make me love him any less, I now have to love him like a monet...from a distance
Oh gosh; I have a son and I really hope this doesn't happen to me. I hope he doesn't go off and forget I ever existed.
NOT that I don't want him to spread his wings and fly; I do; but I would hope that we would talk on the phone and keep in touch. I want him to have a loving girlfriend and go the the college of his choice - whereever that may be. I just hope he would never stop speaking to me for any length of time. A fight - yes. But . . years? How hurtful and said.
I love him so much; it hurts to think about this scenario.
I am a daughter in law. My husband has what I perceive as simple and loving parents. However, he pretty much cannot stand to be around them much and there is little communication between them. He will not detail his childhood except to say his parents were way too strict. His is almost 60 and feels the same way. Makes me wonder just what went on in his childhood
He is an only child and has far surpassed anything his parents or his whole family have done in his life. He was the first family member to graduate from high school and then college on his own. Everything his ever did was on his own. He had a successful corporate IT career and retired with a terrific pension. (I also worked and was successful and retired.) They always treat him as if he is an outsider.
I have struggled for over 30 years to keep them all connected and now I wonder why. Sometimes I think people dont "see" what they have done to others or how it was perceived. I wonder how the strict upbringing was seen from the other side?
Wow, I disagree with ALL of the above criticism of this hurting mother. Being strict does not mean abuse, and this boy has been led away by an evil, manipulative, controlling duo. I totally sympathize with this mother. I am looking at this thread because I'm afraid my son is also being led away by a similar pair. I thought this girl was awesome at first and encouraged him to continue dating her. She is smart and going places, but leads an extremely sheltered life. He is little by little being pulled away from us, and finally in the last couple of days the truth has come out....jealous over every friend in his life, needing to ask permission to have dinner with his family, even if we invite her too! If he talks to me, his mother for 5 minutes past when he was supposed to leave to pick her up, she is texting that she is not number one, and that she doesn't want to see him. Typical emotional bullying!! I'm terrified and I am so sorry you are going through this hell!
Okay... I missed this thread when it was posted, but now that it's being re-introduced...
If it wasn't such an impossibility, I would SWEAR that the OP is my MIL. No, seriously. VioletDreams, are you my MIL????
Joking aside, I have no way to assess this situation, since we're only seeing one side of the argument. I can only give you my experience. I was the DIL in this story, except we were somewhat older, and my husband was actually escaping an abusive childhood. Not physically abusive, except for a few slaps on the face. But my MIL was (and still is) convinced that my mother and I are some sort of grand schemers who are destined to destroy their family. The truth is that he could no longer stand her threats, her emotional manipulation, her public humiliation, her irrational demands and complaints. My husband was an adult, he wasn't going to take it, and I certainly did everything in my power to provide him a safe means to separate from her and to support him emotionally. It was the hardest thing he's ever done, extricating himself from his abusive parents' clutches, but he made it through.
And I'm not ashamed to say that I really don't treat her kindly. I can't meet her eye. I don't answer her calls. When I'm forced to talk to her (for example, we realized she had some of his valued possessions and had to get them), I am very cold and curt. Not mean or hurtful, just cold. She hurt my husband deeply, and I really can't bring myself to extend myself to her at all.
Again, though, I can't assess this situation without further detail. I don't see any facts in the OP, just feelings, so it's hard for me to tell exactly what's going on. Best of luck to all parts of your family.
I am a parent as well and not a perfect by any means, I am strict as well..and of course my son states that so and so can do this why cant he? So I guess I am scared a bit..
But what I am saying is based on me and what I would do...
You have raised your son whether it was wrong but you did what you thought was best? Children will often go with the easiest route...
And perhaps the parents of this girl felt it was easier to snare your son in rather than worry what their daughter was doing over at your place..
He is an adult...his inheritance is for college..if I were you I would state that he find a major fast and get to it..
Do not bother him by stalking .....he is an adult..but do call him and ask him how he is...leave a message if you haveto..It is his decision..
Step back...sooner or later rather sooner than later he will realize just how important you 2 are to him....
I am so sorry..
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